Blogus Ignoramus

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Location: San Leandro, California, United States

I've spent hours trying to write 'about me' so I just gave up and you'll have to figure this out for yourself. Thanks for stopping in anyway!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

At long last

I received a call this afternoon from the last company I interviewed with. The woman I interviewed with tells me that they are sending me some 'homework' along with a request to describe the job as I understand it.

While we were chatting, she mentioned that the initial two I met with last week were working on an Offer Letter for me and I should anticipate that within the next 24 hours. I could hear the wheels screeching to a halt in my head when my brain processed the words 'Offer' and 'Letter'. I giggled before asking her if that means they have chosen me for the job. She smiled (over the phone) and confirmed my question by saying, 'If you accept the offer, of course!'.

I'm freaking elated right now and you bet your sweet ass I already finished my homework assignment. Wow, I know i've said this in the past, but you really don't know how much pressure you're under until it's been lifted. I can't believe my search has finally ended!!!!!

All the hard work, all the stress, all the nights where I couldn't even rub one out because I was so distracted to find a new career has finally paid off!

I'm ready to take the next step and start looking for a new place to live. What a fucking week this has been! Someone please send me beer and cigs~I need to celebrate!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Moment of temporary reason

I'm taking a short break from my re-entry into the modern American courting process and thought I'd write it down to try to keep things in perspective. Specifically because I feel out of control with how intense the emotions I'm feeling at this time.

It's true that I have been thinking about this woman almost non-stop since meeting her and it never feels 'right' when this happens to me. It's also true that it's been so long since I met someone I'm interested in that I almost forgot what it to expect...expect nothing.

Setting expectations early in any circumstance eventually leads to disappointment of some kind. This I know too well from previous relationships, all of which came to an end. I'm still friends with a few of them, but I'd rather not continue with this trend. It's way too early to be able to say how things will turn out, and it's exciting in that way. I can say all I want about wanting to be exceptionally careful with this girl, but I will have to let my experiences guide me down the right path.

Fortunately for me, I have met someone who is equally cautious about her relationships. She has been more active in the dating world recently, but seems to keep meeting the same kind of boys; all with commitment issues. When she met me, she was with another guy who has been leading her on for awhile now. I'm not one to take advantage of situations like this, however, I was powerfully compelled to continue our conversation at another time. More specifically, another time when she wouldn't be distracted by her 'half-date' (as she put it).

The last few days have been surreal for me. Our phone conversations are filled with interesting topics that haven't dried up in spite of their exceptional length (fortunately, I believe in girth over length). She's picked up that I'm a pervert and even enjoys fueling my filthy mind with coyly worded statements (usually double entendres), how cool is that? You guessed it, I really like this girl (and even saying it like that feels like an understatement).

I guess I haven't elaborated much on this woman, so I'll explain some of the things that attracted me to her. The thing I noticed immediately was her smile and her eyes. This was before we started talking, I was very focused on those blue eyes of her. Light colored eyes always catch my attention for some reason, maybe because she has brown hair (and they stand out better that way). Once the conversation started flowing, I caught minor hints that she was available, so I took the initiative and told her I would be asking for her phone number later that evening. Her reply was immediate and confirmed what my instincts already told me.

Have I mentioned she's an Educator? When I discovered that, that took my interest up slightly higher than before. What is it about Educators that I find attractive? They're usually very passionate about what they do and chances are, pretty intelligent too. She's both and since she primarily works with children 5 through 12, we have a lot of common ground. To further reinforce this, she's also a single Mother with a 4yr old of her own. You can guess what we talked about the first few evenings: kids, the funny things they do, past relationships, and how they've changed us as people.

Since meeting her, my attraction isn't just limited to her mental facilities. I am intensely attracted to her and I can't remember the last time my penis ached so badly. One of our late night conversations got rather steamy and for the first time in several years, I felt that buzz you get in your brain just before you're about to have sex. Fortunately we were on the phone at the time, otherwise I don't think either of us would've been able to contain ourselves. Clearly, we are both starved for physical/emotional contact and it's going to be very interesting when we do eventually meet in person again.

I'm still feeling very overwhelmed by this flood of feelings. It takes every bit of my active thoughts to contain this and still some slips through. Fortunately, we have natural boundaries which prevent us from taking this too fast. She lives far enough away where I cannot conveniently see her. Secondly, she has a very busy schedule with her work, her son, and something she does for our Soldiers in the field (she coordinates with other civilians to provide basic necessities for Soldiers stationed outside the US in the form of 'care packages'). As if she didn't have enough on her plate as it is, she does Church on Sundays and one day during the week. I see this as a good thing as we both get just enough to remain interested, but the tension builds to the point where it has to be released somehow. When it does, you can imagine how intense it's going to be.

This is the first time I've been attracted to someone who goes to church (besides my very first GF; circa 1991), but this doesn't really bother me. She's not the kind to shove it in my face and that's all that matters; just don't tell me how I should think and I'll be happy. I don't really talk with her much about religion, but I'm well beyond my Christian-hater days when I couldn't even say the word without contempt. And when we do have that conversation, I think she will accept how I feel like she does with everything else (so far).

Isn't that nice? I just got a text from her while writing this:

'Thinking of you'

How does one followup with something like that? I'll come up with something, but every time I read or hear something like that, I feel giddy knowing the feeling is mutual.

What next? I wish I knew. I'm taking my logic-self's advice in that I should take it as slowly as possible. 'Expect nothing but respect and honesty.' Lessons in the past have proven that both are crucial to building something more than just two people flirting on the phone. I want a relationship, but I have to let things take their own course without forcing it. I believe in myself that I can do this because it's what I want.

Maybe she's the one, and maybe she's another one to help me understand what I want in a woman; hopefully not the latter. I guess we'll see how things turn out, but for now I'm enjoying how this has brought me something very positive to look forward to.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Brain dysfunctional

Where do I start? How about the middle, then digress to other points I want to make in no particular order of importance? Fine, that's the way I was going to do it anyway.

I'm frazzled by something almost overwhelming. I say almost because I know (in the back of my mind) that I over-think things way too often. Wow, big surprise here, huh?

So last night, I had the opportunity to talk with a young woman at a Halloween Party. Fortunately for me, I stopped drinking early that evening before I ended up making a fool of myself. Let's hear it for water and energy drinks! It was one of those conversations you didn't want to end and when things did finally come to part ways, I was left with my imagination.

Here's where you tell me to keep my imagination in check and here's also where I agree and handcuff that fucker to somewhere he can't cause trouble. Stay imagination, heel~HEEEL FUCKER!!!! *twitch*

As I was saying, things went very well and we exchanged numbers before the night ended. To complicate matters (who said life was simple, right?), she arrived with another guy; one who also happened to be drinking quite a bit that night. I wonder if he was aware how much I was smitten by the girl he brought? Apparently, they're not an item, atleast not exclusively.

I thought about her on the way home, when I went to sleep, and unfortunately, when I woke up this morning. Uhg, I have to think about something else before I make myself (more) crazy with anticipation.

This probably wont help my mood, but I had planned on calling her today. There's nothing you can do to stop me~I've already informed her I would be calling her. As much as the voice of reason says that 'it sounds desperate', I told him to go fuck himself. The talk we had gave me the impression she's not the kind of girl to be offended with someone being interested in her.

Anyway, my brain is on overdrive with what the next few days brings. In addition to meeting someone new, I have a followup interview with the company I met with on Friday. That's good news considering they told me they get in touch with me later next week sometime. I was pleasantly surprised that they called me before 5pm on Friday to ask me to come meet with the HR person (on Monday).

I would elaborate on how well I thought the interview went, but I am feeling very cautious about how much I discuss things I hope for. I guess you could say I'm slightly superstitious about job prospects and discussing them. Sure my logic side has already informed me that it's pointless to think this will work in my favor, but he's a fucking know-it-all.

That's all for now, I think I need to do something away from the computer today. Time to finish that book I've been grazing through for the last week (without much progress). Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You're not allowed...

- to say 'No' to me anymore, even if you think I'm not the right person for the job.
- to tell me I'm an idiot for quitting my last job. I've already taken care of that pretty well thank-you-very-fucking-much.
- to kiss or make out in front of me. Fuck you.
- to make racist remarks in front of my kids.
- to drive your fucking expensive car in front of me...ever.
- to spit while you speak.
- to invite me to your barbque then ask me to cook for you, but that's very flattering, thank you.
- to expect me to know what you're thinking.
- to keep saying you'll call me back when you don't actually follow through with it (that's not directed at you, Sam <3).
- to ignore my messages, especially when they request some form of response.
- to lead me on then tell me 'Let's just be friends'.
- to say 'Let's just be friends'...ever.
- to tell me you love giving oral sex, then refuse to do so when the time comes.
- to misuse the word 'irony' or 'ironic'.
- to use they're, their, and there incorrectly or I will stab you.
- to smile at me then ignore me when I try to speak with you.
- to criticize me for choosing not to vote.
- to nag me as long as you're not my wife.
- to tell me I should come with you to church...even if you're cute.
- to abduct me and perform experiments on me unless you promise to take me with you.
- to come into my house if you're going to sell me an issue of the Watchtower, but your friend can.
- to send me chain letters unless they contain female nudity.
- to give me the impression you want to hire me, then tell me you picked someone else. Fuck you too.
- to shower me with attention then blow me off.
- to have a boyfriend if I find you interesting upon our first meeting.
- to shave your eyebrows and then pencil them in afterwards.
- to wear Pinstripe pants unless you're okay with me staring at your lower torso.
- to drive with one foot on your brakes and the other on the accellerator.
- to text and drive simultaneously.
- to cook such delicious food and not offer me any.
- to come to the Bay Area without letting me know.

So yeah, stop it, or this kitten gets it!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Past and it's place in the Present

Today consisted of me browsing through a myspace-esque-only-cooler-website looking for some people from my past. I started doing it on a whim and it's stirred up all kinds of memories; some good, some bad.

Like the girl who seduced me by dropping her towel (including the obligatory 'oops') to the floor when she called me into the bathroom. I still have very vivid erotic dreams about that moment in my life. It was the first and only time I was ever a part of the act of cheating. Given a choice, I would do it over again just for the feelings of pure, raw desire I felt for her.

To shed some light on how this transpired, I feel it's necessary to explain how we became so intensely involved. She had a boyfriend who was a friend of mine at the time. I was house-sitting for a friend of the family and for some reason, he asked if she could stay at said house until he finished with work. Prior to this day, I had only met her a few times, but as a friend's girlfriend, she was just that. Honestly, looking back, I think she only was interested in me because I expressed absolutely zero interest in her. That was apparent because when I began giving her my undivided attention, she was clearly no longer interested.

Moving on, I agreed to have her hang around and drink beer/swim at the house until my friend returned. I didn't really have much intention of fooling around with her, but girls can be pursuasive sometimes.

I'll digress further to tell you just how absolutely beautiful this creature was. Imagine jet black hair, olive skin, gorgeous blue eyes, and a smile that would make a eunich fertile. I also remember her having perfect eyebrows (what can I say, I'm an eyebrow guy). The image in my mind of her is one where she is staring at me with that 'I can't wait to get you alone' smile on her face. *sigh* Good memories indeed. The only bad thing that happened was her boyfriend caught us in a compromising position and then later firmly advised me to stay the hell away from her. I didn't have the heart to tell him about her other boyfriends she had behind his back.

Her memory is one that I still think about to this day. It's a shame I lost touch with her, but I think it would've spoiled the pristine memory I have of her. 'Always leave them wanting more...' has never been more truthful in her case.

That gives me at least some semblance of why I think about her and other instances like it; I'm recalling times when I felt most desired. To be accepted is something we all want, but when we have it, is it really what we want? If I think about it this much, then I'd have to say 'yes, that's what I want, ultimately'.

I can't argue with that kind of logic or emotion, or whatever the hell it is.

Other memories that were dredged up revolve around getting some form of closure from people in my past. In particular, a girl I chased for a few years before I finally got the hint she wasn't interested. Another one of those people who only seem to be interested in you when you're not. Rightly so, she doesn't deserve the amount of thought I've put into this, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thought about her a lot.

I feel like I overwelmed her with my attention. I wanted to be around her all the time. She was charismatic, smart, and beautiful~who wouldn't want to be around that? We had good times, but I think I wanted more of her attention than she was willing to give. Eventually, she stopped returning my phone calls and I spent more time talking to her answering machine than her. When I did finally get the hint, I gave up the chase and walked away to piece together my remaining respitory system. It was hard to get over that~to be rejected without a clear reason. Sometimes you just can't get it, and maybe that's why it's been so hard to forget her? I think I'm getting somewhere!

And this brings me to leaving things in the past. There are lessons to be learned from these experiences and I think I took things too personally to see the wisdom at the time. I have to be able to let things like this go in order to move forward. No, I need to just let things go, especially things that hold no consequence in my life.

Funny, I do feel a little better now that I got that off my chest.

That's all I have for now, thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

No tears yet

But I think the time will come when I need to shed my grief like a cocoon and start with a fresh coat of skin. I also think it's necessary to do so every once in a while. My skin is fairly tough (at least I think so), but it can only deflect so many things before holes start developing and then I have start anew.

Crying aside, now's not really the time to waste time getting upset about things that wont get solved without action. Speaking of action, today, I had a secondary interview with a company that is looking to hire before the end of the month.

I think it went pretty well, but I don't want to get my hopes up about it. In the past, I've felt really good about other interviews and they ended up going with other people. Best to not get attached to something I may not have, right? Seems safe at this point to think that I am one of the people they are genuinely considering to do this job, but nothing beyond that.

When I asked the interviewer if he thought I was qualified to do the job, he told me that he felt I was overqualified. I was on the other end of the scale; thinking that I was under-qualified to do the job and I voiced my reasoning to him. He seemed to take what I said under consideration, so hopefully he now believes I am an ideal fit for the job.

Who knows if this will make a difference or not, but I felt it necessary to know where I stood in his perspective. Although I have a solid foundation of understanding to their job tasks, I have almost zero exposure to another important aspect of their job; Operating systems and Servers. For those of you that don't know what this means, it's best to describe it like this...An example of an Operating system (or O.S. to us nerds) is Windows or Mac. They're both different, but they provide the same function. A user interface that allows you to perform your desired tasks. In a nutshell, my experience is very limited with these and if anything, I'm only an intermediate user at best. Anyway, before I start digressing further, I think you get my point.

So I will wait for their word, whether good or bad and keep my fingers crossed for this one.

Even if it's a no, in the last few days, I've been contacted by 3 other companies regarding employment. It made me feel really good to know that I'm finally getting through to people. I already have an interview lined up for this coming Thursday and another one next week. I'm not one to offer premonitions, but I feel that I will have a job before the end of the month. I'd rather have one before that, partly because I'd like to pay my rent on time, but beggars can't be choosers.

That's all for now, thanks for stopping in!

Monday, October 13, 2008

You never know

how lonely you really are until an old friend calls you after you unintentionally leave a clue about it on their blog. And just when they tell you that it's okay to cry on the phone, you stop yourself because you don't want to burden them with your problems. After all, I'm a big boy now (or I keep hearing myself say so) and I should be okay to handle the trivial things life throws at us modern aged Humans. Crying is useless.

Right?

I'm ready to cry right now. I'm ready to go somewhere quiet and cry my soul out for all I'm worth. Sure it wont solve anything and sure as hell wont make me the poster boy for the Tom Leykis version of what a man should be. This is what I need more than anything else right now. Other than good friends who are willing to let you cry on their shoulder.

My time lately has been spent soul-searching about what the hell I'm going to do in the next few months. I realized that I am lazy. I'm not willing to put forth effort to change my ways for some unknown goddamn reason. My love life, my career, my progression in life (or lack thereof) are all things that are being effected by this and I just sit watching them float by.

It's been more than 2 years since the last time I had sex and I think I forgot how to flirt with women. I'm sure it would come back to me, but all I can do is come up with excuses why I don't even talk to women. I'm afraid they'll find out that I don't have any hobbies other than playing a stupid fucking computer game, masturbating, and reading books. Oh yeah, I feel sorry for myself a lot too, does that count?

At a job interview, they asked me what my hobbies were and I had to make shit up. I guess maybe I should have more 'hobbies' prepared for my next interview so I sound like I have ambition. Job interviews are one thing, but what about when I'm talking to a woman? I don't want to lie about these things...it's not even an option! But what about the truth?

Really though, job interviews are so much like dating that it makes an acceptable metaphor, and you know how much I love metaphors! It's not unusual that both of these subjects seem to be coming up quite a bit; Love and Career.

Unfortunately, a career is something that I can use to have a more acceptable means of living, but I'm one of those thick-skulled idiots that has to like what he's doing in order to do it for a living. Why can't I be satisfied with a pointless career? Because I like to do things the hard way!

Off the subject, I thought about what life is going to be like for me in the next few months. For one thing, I will have to figure out what to do with my time. I wont have internets or cable; two very prominent forms of how I pass the time. There was a time when I initially moved up to Northern Cal where I had no cable or a computer and my only output/input was reading/writing. It's kinda blurry for me on my memory, but I read an aweful lot during those times. I can't even remember if it was productive. I do remember my point in bringing this up though.

I think I mentioned earlier that I'm lonely as of late. Well, that's an understatement. I've been craving some kind of contact for a while now. Although I have roommates around, it doesn't seem to help me much. It's certainly a bad combination to crave communication, but withdrawl once you realize you want to unload all of your pain to anyone that will listen. I find myself having difficulty letting it out even when I desperately need to release. It's stupid pride. And why's it stupid? Because it's contradictory to logic. Period.

I believe that now is that time I need to just walk away from the keyboard and find my quiet spot.

Lastly, I wanted to say thanks to my friend. I really needed it and you came through for me. You're so stuck with me now.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Living in the rainy state of Shock

Here's where I bang out cliche' after cliche' explaining my ever interesting life. Or maybe just one cliche' and a bunch of bad news to boot. I think it's all some cosmic joke that is also a lesson I must learn in order to prove that I can survive modern times.

So, as you know, I have been unemployed since July of this year. Every step of the way has been excruciating and humbling, but I still have nothing to show for it but a dwindling savings. Coincidently, my car is also undriveable (unless I want the police to take it away from me) and oh yeah, here's the cliche I was talking about; 'When it rains, it pours.'

Isn't that the fucking truth? The only good thing about being at your lowest is that there's nowhere to go but up. I guess I was wrong...it can get worse and it did.

So here it is; a few days ago, the manager of the home I live in pulls me aside and tells me that his brother will be moving into my room and I need to vacate the room by December. Hellllo 60 day notice. It's been a few days now and I'm just stunned. How could things get worse? I don't even want to know.

In spite of all this, I have kept my head up only because I have no other choice about it. I either lose my shit entirely and my whole family suffers, or I move on and see where this next chapter takes me. Gee, what a great set of options I have before me. To say i'm being cynical about this would be an understatement, wouldn't it?

That's all I have to say right now.