The Boy becoming a Young Man

I can still remember what it was like to be his age. It was awkward, incomprehensible, and downright agonizing to watch him go through it. He and I are so alike, I fear for him and what's coming; Adulthood.

How can I prepare him when I don't even have my act together? This is one of the nagging questions that keep me awake at night.

We both have social anxiety. It hasn't been stamped by a person with a PHD, but it doesn't take a Doctor to know that we share the same fears. Acceptance has always been something I both loathe and love. It drives me to get out of bed, shower, and sometimes shave. My social anxiety can be a burden, but I know I can't let it own me. Not this late in the game of life. I came to terms with it without even being aware of it, but my life and environment were quite different.

Having a Twin sister has always been a unique advantage. I always had someone to play with, grow up with, share friends, and that was how I somehow coped with being perpetually fearful of rejection. She would never reject me, and with that, she was my strength. One day I'll tell her how much it means to me and how I eventually grew to live with my anxieties.

My son, however, only has his sister, his mother, and me to be his friends. I blame myself for him not having friends because we moved around frequently, never giving him enough time to grow roots. Surely the blame can also be shared with his mother for not trying hard enough to motivate him to stay in a 'normal' class. Ultimately, the blame comes back to me because I watched it unfold.

Currently, the boy is enrolled in a class for fuck-ups. He's been in 'special needs' classes for 5+ years because of his social anxiety. He's a classic introvert, much like me, only a Doctor stamped the 'Bi-polar' label on him. I can't say I have much faith in the diagnosis, or any Mental Illness categorization for that matter. That reason behind my lack of faith is reserved for another post entirely for me to air to the world. Be patient, the post will be hard to write and even harder to hit 'publish'.

They have him in a class that consists of bullies, future thugs, and social outcasts. He's there because the Educational System is not prepared to accommodate to the individual student. Not a single minute goes by without someone in his class (of 7) dropping the 'N-Bomb'*1 or the 'F-Bomb'*2, and I can't stand by to let this happen any more.

I've only been to his class a handful of times (to see how his class operates), and frankly, it paints a disturbing trend of how our society is slowly unwinding itself. Maybe I'm being a little pessimistic, but to see how much the kids are in control now has been a hard pill to swallow. Educators can't lay a hand on students for any reason (without severe punishment), students aren't required to shower any longer after PE (Physical Education) because of Sexual Harassment, and I saw the Principal recently cleaning off tables in the Lunchroom. The fucking Principal of the school! Apparently budget cut-backs have been more ruthless than I ever imagined, they can't even afford a full-time Janitor!

So, now comes time for me to do something about this. I've got nothing but time right now. Losing my job is now starting to turn out to be a good thing, especially considering how miserable it made me feel.

I'm done whining about this now.

*1 - 'Nigger'
*2 - 'Fuck' and all forms of usage

Following tonight's delirium...

I came up with a possible career alternative: Musician/song writer.

Yes, I'm a huge fan of Music. It makes me happy and it definitely sounds dreamy (as do all things on the potential 'career' list). Since I don't have a Napoleanesque Band Director* recommending I take private lessons to further my musical career, I think this will progress at my own ADD pace. The advantage here is that I can write songs and don't have to be bothered with the guilt of not writing the amount the critic in me can handle.

In my earlier days, I wrote a few songs that I can only remember by the titles. I probably should've saved those, but alas, chalk it up to another thing I was only dabbling with at the time. The songs were obnoxious and passive aggressive~I guess much hasn't changed other than wanting to add a generous dose of sillyness.

There's always the need for new music since it seems that only a handful of what came out recently piques my interest. I'm reminded of bands like Nickleback and Godsmack when it comes to music that I just don't see how they made it this far.

One challenge I see, besides learning to play an instrument, is finding others who share my same musical tastes/idealogy. I get along quite well with musicians, so maybe this is one of those challenges I see going away.

Why is this suddenly being mentioned now? Well, I had an epiphany this morning while trying to catch some sleep this morning. It's partly due to lack of sleep, but hey, aren't the best ideas when our brains are on wander-mode? Seems like a great idea right now!

* - I was in High School when I quit playing the Trumpet.

If I could only pose...

Here's my admission that I watched approximately 10 minutes of the new show Hulu has been whoring out to the world recently. Yes. I watched it and I'll tell you why I would rather do nothing than watch this program.
There's a laundry list of reasons why I was skeptical about watching it in the first place. Namely, it's already been done, and the first 7 minutes were about how this show differs from others before it. Really? A Reality TV program where there are cameras in every corner of the house? You mean they interviewed thousands of people and selected 5 to conduct this social experiment? No shit! That's never been done, ever!

Please...I think we all are familiar with MTV's Real World. I sat through a few episodes of this and at the time, Reality TV was still pretty new. The prospect of being watched 24/7 was intriguing because, hey, if we were there, we'd probably be amazed that anyone would want to watch us for that long...ever.

What killed it for me was when the cameras showed one girl getting a phone call about a photo shoot with some A-list (presumably) fashion company. Like, out of freaking nowhere, she gets a call from their E-Pimp, "Hey moody-skinny chick, we have a job for you, and all you had to do was sit in front of a camera for a few hours and look pouty. But make sure you act like you've got attitude, um, or else!" *CLICK* I think I'll check my Facebook page to see if the hottie I've been stalking for two decades is past her manageable drinking limit. I didn't really want to see any more of this show, and the fact that this is what the industry is sponsoring this, makes me question just how many people want to see this.

I'm definitely not your run-of-the-mill Television viewer. I need something to keep my attention whether it be witty retorts, or the dreamy red-head with the sassy attitude. In fact, I think I'm pretty easy to entertain. I like to look at beautiful women, and if they can act, all the better! There's more to keep me interested, but I'm a guy...it's pretty easy to get our attention. Keeping it, however, is another effort entirely.

Message in a bottle
(written on what appears to be poorly cured parchment)
To whom it may concern,

I'm stranded on an island, as far as I can tell, in the middle of nowhere. I don't know how to get off this island, but at least the seafood supply is well stocked. My best friend is a rock that looks surprisingly like Andy Dick and ironically much more entertaining. His name is Frank, but only because he doesn't spare my feelings when I really need to hear the truth.

Frank says that I'm 'losing' whatever I had before becoming stranded here. I think he means that I'm going crazy(er) the longer I stay here. Not that I have much choice about where I live since my neighbors are more ocean and aquatic life.

I believe what Frank says is true that if I don't get off this island that I'll go completely mental. Then again, my best friend is a rock, so maybe it's already happened and nobody told me?

Send help!

Yours truly,
Tobiwan

PS. Send beer!

Hit close to home...
I've been following the investigation of the disappearance of Chelsea King, PHS Student lately. It saddens and infuriates me to know that someone would partake in abducting and killing another person; especially a young girl.

My daughter is my lifeblood and if I ever had to deal with something like this, it would take every ounce of me to not want to kill someone if they ever harmed my girl. Of course the same could be said for my boy as well.

I never felt the need to rip someone's throat out with my bare hands until I became a parent. I can safely say that I would kill for my children, and you can quote me on this.

Don't pray for me...pray for the unfortunate ass that places his hands on my children, because I will give him no mercy. Death will be slow and painful for those that hurt our children.