Blogus Ignoramus

2010-09-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

It seems only fair
I should begin by saying how sorry I am that I haven't been writing, but I'd be only apologizing to myself. The whole point of doing this was to dump my built-up laundry.

Speaking of Laundry, I need to do mine. There's my big 'Life' update.

It seems much more fun to just do a short 'dump' onto twitter. Although I'm still enjoying the whole anonymity thing, but I want more followers. It doesn't feel wrong to desire more audience, but once I have it, will that change what I say? Catering to an audience, on the other hand, doesn't feel right. The problem-solver in me wants to fix this along with all the other things I need to fix about me.

2010-08-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Vacations and other words that start with V
August marks my 37th anniversary of my birth and it also coincides with the Summer season. It's not really a special time for me, then again, if there's any month where I feel special, August would bear the closest resemblance.

Not much is really going on here other than working part time and trying to quit my vices. The smoking habit really needs to go which means I have to be very cautious on how much I drink. Drinking will eventually be weened back to where it was before I started this most recent binge. Once I start becoming a 'regular' at a pub, I know it's probably time for me to stop going there. To further reinforce this, I'm starting to see 'familiar' people, but I can't remember their names. Women seem to find this most offensive, especially when we've had memorable conversation. Oh well...it just means I wasn't interested enough to remember...or maybe too drunk...?

Just in case it's the latter, that's still unhealthy to do as often as it's been happening. I had to take an honest look at myself about this behavior and concluded that it has to stop immediately. I wont find any suitable women in a bar and if I do, I would prefer to be as sober as possible. It's really not all about the vagina, though. It would be more accurate to say that I want higher quality life which also happens to facilitate fornication with the opposite sex.

It amuses me that even in spite of how well I can control my penis, it still has the ability to manipulate my actions/idealogy. Who says Penis Power doesn't exist?

2010-07-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

Didn't you get the memo?
I thought we were pretty much through, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I should've really said all those things to you about our unrequited friendship. Now you're back sounding like you still want to be pals. Neat. Maybe you'll figure out that I erased everything about you (but the memories). I wont tell you why because it's all been in my head.

Maybe you would've also figured out how much of a nutjob I can be. And I can't help but still be attracted to you. It's too bad I have no idea if you feel the same, then again, maybe I just don't want to know ~~(of course I want to fucking know!)~~. You're a pretty cool chick, but you didn't contact me as much as needed. It's pretty simple, and sounds kinda desperate, but it's the truth. I felt like I was doing all the work to keep us cozy, so I figured you weren't interested and there you have it. And I acknowledge that you may not have been aware of my intentions. Not your fault. Again, nutjob, this guy.

The solution is simple: dial it down a few notches. Patience and discipline are two traits that always need work. Being impulsive and a victim to my own inner dialogue, makes it very hard to practice said traits.
I really don't remember where I was going with this....

Which means this is all the energy I'll spend on this trivial situation...for now.

2010-07-02T01:24:00.000-07:00

My Firm Thighs
are something that have been on my mind lately. I ride a bike every day, so it's not uncommon for me to feel some sort of burning sensation in my burley thighs. I'm starting to see a pretty significant change in the shape of my legs, so maybe the ladies of the world will notice? Regardless, I will continue pedaling towards a goal of attracting a mate through pure superficiality.

A great side-bonus is that I get to explore my region at a slightly higher rate of travel. I suppose this is an exciting perk you attain by riding a bicycle at break-neck speed. I wear a helmet too, for those of you that are curious.

I used to cruise around my 'hood' when I was a youngster on my bike. I didn't realize, at the time, that this would be something I would enjoy as an adult as well. It's the very feeling I get when I ride my bicycle in and out of the urban life I behold at this time in my life.

I'm now wanting to get my kids' bikes ready for daily use as it will be a great contribution to our adventures. Both of my children have expressed interest in riding, so I think this will be a great outlet for them during the summer months.

Where am I going with this? Wherever the hell we choose.

2010-06-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Anonymity
I haven't felt this excited about it since I created my first aimname. I still have the same one since I initially signed up and don't see any reason for changing it. Recently, I created a twitter account since 140 characters is usually enough for me to say what's on my mind. You could say I'm one of those people that just says random shit. I'm not doing it for attention, but attention wouldn't be turned away.

Being anonymous again, however has made me realize how much I have to filter out to the general public. If you care to see the unfiltered Toby, let me know and I'll share the lurve.

2010-06-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Slab of Meat
Oh juicy representation of everything vegans despise, you are my Alpha and my Omega. Your tenderness savored through every movement of my mandible. Has it been so long since we hooked up to grill something together?

These were the thoughts going through my brain last night while I enjoyed my Happy Father's Day RibEye steak. It was good enough to blog about, seriously.

2010-06-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

Breaking up with you...
is hard to do, but I know it had to be done. I started to feel bitter because I would spend all of this energy on staying in touch with you and yet you still never initiated contact with me. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how much of a doormat I was in my younger days. You know, or maybe you don't care? Either way, it's done...we're through and I actually feel pretty good about it.

Do you remember the last time we talked...oh, 3 months ago? I mentioned a BBQ with some friends in the coming months. You acknowledged this, but I knew deep inside of me, that you were just blowing me off again. At this point, it's my fault for believing you wanted to be my friend. You never once reinforced our friendship, so you have always been the one being pursued.

This whole pursuing process really gets on my nerves. I mean, this really makes me question if I'm so annoying that people just want to let me spin my fucking wheels on nothing? I try to be patient with people, but if it takes this much effort to be friends, I'm giving up before I get hurt again.

Why is it so hard to be friends with people? Should it really take this much energy with nothing in return? I don't fucking think so! I'm wasting my time with people who don't deserve my affection and I am done.

2010-06-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

Finally A Post That Doesn't Sound Whiny
Like the title says, I promise that nothing about this post will sound like my whiny, poor-me-bitch, pity-party previous posts. Now say that last part 100 times or until you get bored...or not.

After 3 months of agonizing joblessness, I finally have something. [Insert-something-awesome-here] It's temporary, and the pay is crap, but I think this is definitely something for me to shoot milk out of my nose about.

Sad to say that a job is what I need to feel like I'm contributing something...maybe I'll find some way to have my ultimate dream of doing nothing. In the mean time, fuck yeah, go me!

2010-05-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

Gutted
You can't hear it, but there's a heavy sigh when I say this; I didn't get the job. After what I considered to be an awesome interview, I received a reply from prospective employer informing me that they have weeded me out of the running (for the job). Thanks, we'll keep you in mind, blah blah blah.

To say that I am supremely disappointed would be an understatement. It's really sad too, because I left feeling like I had a strong chance. I was practically floating out of the interview and now the fall seems to be about as much as I can take without a complete breakdown.

For the sake of my own self-preservation, I'm managing to stay outside the breaking point, but just barely. Crying about it wont change anything. I just have to pick myself up (again) and persist even though I feel like I've lost something significant.

At least they were nice enough to not make me wait for their decision. It's really the only sense of relief I have in spite of my intense feeling of failure. That's all I have to say right now.

2010-05-18T11:44:00.001-07:00

California is fucked
Fresh from my Unemployment Appeal, I'm bitter and not at all confident that their decision is in my favor. My previous employer said some pretty over-the-top statements; ones which I can definitely see my Manager saying. The 'employer' comments were definitely worded in her tone and poor spelling, so I think that's one point in my favor. Maybe it's just me, but I found her comments to be grossly inaccurate.

I'm going to digress for a moment to bad-mouth my previous employers, because I feel I wasn't completely at fault in this instance. My management seemed to believe that 2 people could do the job 3 could previously by leveraging the other departments. Unfortunately what this meant is that any time we didn't have the resources to handle something, another department would have to take up the slack. This is a great idea unless other departments are busy with their own work. And when this did happen, all we could do was apologize that we didn't have enough time to do everything they expected of us. Their expectations are pretty high, unreasonable by the opinion of most. With these unreasonable expectations, I was in perpetual defensive mode to fight off all of my Managements emails as to why I couldn't keep up with the workload.

It's been my experience that people at the top are rarely cognisant of what the worker bees are doing. To make matters worse, my direct Manager was obtuse to the point where she dismissed my suggestions to streamline the existing processes. My fault in this case was that I really didn't feel like she supported me, so I just gave up trying to do things her way. They wanted the job done, so I did it to the best of my ability and it wasn't good enough for them. Oh well, I fail. Please fire me so I don't have to dodge 12 emails a day from my control-freak Manager.

I think if Cal was not in such a poor financial position, this would've never come to a formal appeal and I might not have to go ask the parents for a hand-out. This has certainly been a test for me for the last few months. It's not easy getting fired from a job. It doesn't look good on your interviews, no matter how you spin it. Fortunately, being honest about the conditions of the last position has helped me stay in the running with recent interviews.

In the coming months and years, I hope to put this bad experience behind me. I learned quite a bit about myself from the previous job; specifically what kind of employer I will work for. It really does matter to me if the person I'm working under listens to what I say and actually supports me. Despite my Manager being a supercunt, she taught me signs to look for that will tell me early if I can work for them. They were subtle signs that raised a flag, but I ignored them simply excusing them as being 'the new guy' syndrome and just trying to acclimate to the environment. I wont ignore my instincts next time.

I'm feeling much better now although I'm pretty much writing off the whole unemployment benefits. I just think Cal is going to deny as many people as they can since they're running out of money. I wont hold onto delusions of a 'just' system, not in this fucking economy. Now, to find myself a job at any cost (or pay).

2010-05-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

Detoxification
As you probably guessed by now, my recreational habits have been shelved since I have been jobless. To help things along, my body has decided to reject alcohol in the most annoying manner; by giving me major sinus congestion every time I have a drink or two. What's next oh-body-of-mine...? Maybe you'll reject Pot too? Please don't, or I will punch you in the face!

After some research on these symptoms, it seems that our buddy 'Al' is a natural Histamine. Who fucking knew? Well, me now, but it was still a shock to learn this after years of exercising my liver so vigorously.

It wasn't always like this, however, I did notice it much earlier in my history. It certainly wasn't as frequent as it is now which is the cause for my alarm. I mean, what changed? I'm definitely not drinking as much as I was when I had a steady income. As to what I'm drinking, that's pretty much the same as before; Vodka, Beer, Rum, sometimes Whiskey.

More research yields that all of these are made with different ingredients. Vodka being Grain alcohol, Beer mostly being made from Wheat, Rum which is made from Molasses. It's most definitely not a specific component, so yay for not having a wheat/grain/molasses allergy!

On the lighter side, I'm feeling pretty good without having so much to cloud up my brain. It really would be nice to get stoned once in a while, but I have to wait till I have a steady job.

So many things will change once I am finally back on the 'employed' status, I'm overwhelmed with the prospects. I'm now at the point where I'm not desperate, which definitely helps to keep me calm when it comes time to interview.

Speaking of interviews, I've had a few lately and made it through the initial 'weeding' process. This week, I'll be meeting with some people who run an Internet Radio company. Said company is, to put it lightly, supremely freaking awesome. They are definitely going places, and I don't even mind the significant cut in pay (from the last job) to work for them. I had a friend pass along my resume to the right people and it was enough to get me past the initial flood of applicants. I'm trying not to think about how daunting it is to get a job among so many applicants.

The phone interview with the Manager was short, but he invited me in for a face-to-face interview with his team, so I think it went well. I speculate that his team, which would ultimately be my peers, will have lots of questions for me and will play a large factor in their decision. I get along with pretty much everyone, so the interview is on my mind, but it's definitely not causing the stress one would think.

Hopefully I will be hearing from them by the end of the week, perhaps by the next week. I'm sure the world will know the decision, regardless of the outcome.

2010-04-28T02:00:00.000-07:00

After the Hiatus
I'm still unemployed and now reached the threshold of wanting to go back to work. It's true I felt this way about a month ago, but I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself, it's hard to find the motivation to talk about it out-loud.

Fortunately, I have a cool roommate that is also unemployed and we find some common ground every once in a while. To say we have common ground is an inside joke, because we're pretty much opposites. Still, the advantage is that I get a sounding board that isn't afraid to bitchslap me with reality when I need it.

Something I've noticed about myself is that I now tend to listen more than I talk. Could it be that I'm bored with talking about myself? I thought that I was just exhausted with explaining how my life is still stuck in neutral. Maybe that's closer to the truth.

A few weekends ago, I went on a pretty serious bender in San Francisco. By 'bender', I mean the one weekend out of 52 that I throw caution to the wind and let the cards fall where they may. The good news is that I made it home safely, albeit poorer than when I left. The bad news is that I'm still unemployed and single. It's not like I took any steps back though, so umm, not a loss? I'll take it.

2010-03-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

The Boy becoming a Young Man

I can still remember what it was like to be his age. It was awkward, incomprehensible, and downright agonizing to watch him go through it. He and I are so alike, I fear for him and what's coming; Adulthood.

How can I prepare him when I don't even have my act together? This is one of the nagging questions that keep me awake at night.

We both have social anxiety. It hasn't been stamped by a person with a PHD, but it doesn't take a Doctor to know that we share the same fears. Acceptance has always been something I both loathe and love. It drives me to get out of bed, shower, and sometimes shave. My social anxiety can be a burden, but I know I can't let it own me. Not this late in the game of life. I came to terms with it without even being aware of it, but my life and environment were quite different.

Having a Twin sister has always been a unique advantage. I always had someone to play with, grow up with, share friends, and that was how I somehow coped with being perpetually fearful of rejection. She would never reject me, and with that, she was my strength. One day I'll tell her how much it means to me and how I eventually grew to live with my anxieties.

My son, however, only has his sister, his mother, and me to be his friends. I blame myself for him not having friends because we moved around frequently, never giving him enough time to grow roots. Surely the blame can also be shared with his mother for not trying hard enough to motivate him to stay in a 'normal' class. Ultimately, the blame comes back to me because I watched it unfold.

Currently, the boy is enrolled in a class for fuck-ups. He's been in 'special needs' classes for 5+ years because of his social anxiety. He's a classic introvert, much like me, only a Doctor stamped the 'Bi-polar' label on him. I can't say I have much faith in the diagnosis, or any Mental Illness categorization for that matter. That reason behind my lack of faith is reserved for another post entirely for me to air to the world. Be patient, the post will be hard to write and even harder to hit 'publish'.

They have him in a class that consists of bullies, future thugs, and social outcasts. He's there because the Educational System is not prepared to accommodate to the individual student. Not a single minute goes by without someone in his class (of 7) dropping the 'N-Bomb'*1 or the 'F-Bomb'*2, and I can't stand by to let this happen any more.

I've only been to his class a handful of times (to see how his class operates), and frankly, it paints a disturbing trend of how our society is slowly unwinding itself. Maybe I'm being a little pessimistic, but to see how much the kids are in control now has been a hard pill to swallow. Educators can't lay a hand on students for any reason (without severe punishment), students aren't required to shower any longer after PE (Physical Education) because of Sexual Harassment, and I saw the Principal recently cleaning off tables in the Lunchroom. The fucking Principal of the school! Apparently budget cut-backs have been more ruthless than I ever imagined, they can't even afford a full-time Janitor!

So, now comes time for me to do something about this. I've got nothing but time right now. Losing my job is now starting to turn out to be a good thing, especially considering how miserable it made me feel.

I'm done whining about this now.

*1 - 'Nigger'
*2 - 'Fuck' and all forms of usage

2010-03-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

Following tonight's delirium...

I came up with a possible career alternative: Musician/song writer.

Yes, I'm a huge fan of Music. It makes me happy and it definitely sounds dreamy (as do all things on the potential 'career' list). Since I don't have a Napoleanesque Band Director* recommending I take private lessons to further my musical career, I think this will progress at my own ADD pace. The advantage here is that I can write songs and don't have to be bothered with the guilt of not writing the amount the critic in me can handle.

In my earlier days, I wrote a few songs that I can only remember by the titles. I probably should've saved those, but alas, chalk it up to another thing I was only dabbling with at the time. The songs were obnoxious and passive aggressive~I guess much hasn't changed other than wanting to add a generous dose of sillyness.

There's always the need for new music since it seems that only a handful of what came out recently piques my interest. I'm reminded of bands like Nickleback and Godsmack when it comes to music that I just don't see how they made it this far.

One challenge I see, besides learning to play an instrument, is finding others who share my same musical tastes/idealogy. I get along quite well with musicians, so maybe this is one of those challenges I see going away.

Why is this suddenly being mentioned now? Well, I had an epiphany this morning while trying to catch some sleep this morning. It's partly due to lack of sleep, but hey, aren't the best ideas when our brains are on wander-mode? Seems like a great idea right now!

* - I was in High School when I quit playing the Trumpet.

2010-03-17T22:23:00.001-07:00

If I could only pose...

Here's my admission that I watched approximately 10 minutes of the new show Hulu has been whoring out to the world recently. Yes. I watched it and I'll tell you why I would rather do nothing than watch this program.
There's a laundry list of reasons why I was skeptical about watching it in the first place. Namely, it's already been done, and the first 7 minutes were about how this show differs from others before it. Really? A Reality TV program where there are cameras in every corner of the house? You mean they interviewed thousands of people and selected 5 to conduct this social experiment? No shit! That's never been done, ever!

Please...I think we all are familiar with MTV's Real World. I sat through a few episodes of this and at the time, Reality TV was still pretty new. The prospect of being watched 24/7 was intriguing because, hey, if we were there, we'd probably be amazed that anyone would want to watch us for that long...ever.

What killed it for me was when the cameras showed one girl getting a phone call about a photo shoot with some A-list (presumably) fashion company. Like, out of freaking nowhere, she gets a call from their E-Pimp, "Hey moody-skinny chick, we have a job for you, and all you had to do was sit in front of a camera for a few hours and look pouty. But make sure you act like you've got attitude, um, or else!" *CLICK* I think I'll check my Facebook page to see if the hottie I've been stalking for two decades is past her manageable drinking limit. I didn't really want to see any more of this show, and the fact that this is what the industry is sponsoring this, makes me question just how many people want to see this.

I'm definitely not your run-of-the-mill Television viewer. I need something to keep my attention whether it be witty retorts, or the dreamy red-head with the sassy attitude. In fact, I think I'm pretty easy to entertain. I like to look at beautiful women, and if they can act, all the better! There's more to keep me interested, but I'm a guy...it's pretty easy to get our attention. Keeping it, however, is another effort entirely.

2010-03-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

Message in a bottle
(written on what appears to be poorly cured parchment)
To whom it may concern,

I'm stranded on an island, as far as I can tell, in the middle of nowhere. I don't know how to get off this island, but at least the seafood supply is well stocked. My best friend is a rock that looks surprisingly like Andy Dick and ironically much more entertaining. His name is Frank, but only because he doesn't spare my feelings when I really need to hear the truth.

Frank says that I'm 'losing' whatever I had before becoming stranded here. I think he means that I'm going crazy(er) the longer I stay here. Not that I have much choice about where I live since my neighbors are more ocean and aquatic life.

I believe what Frank says is true that if I don't get off this island that I'll go completely mental. Then again, my best friend is a rock, so maybe it's already happened and nobody told me?

Send help!

Yours truly,
Tobiwan

PS. Send beer!

2010-03-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

Hit close to home...
I've been following the investigation of the disappearance of Chelsea King, PHS Student lately. It saddens and infuriates me to know that someone would partake in abducting and killing another person; especially a young girl.

My daughter is my lifeblood and if I ever had to deal with something like this, it would take every ounce of me to not want to kill someone if they ever harmed my girl. Of course the same could be said for my boy as well.

I never felt the need to rip someone's throat out with my bare hands until I became a parent. I can safely say that I would kill for my children, and you can quote me on this.

Don't pray for me...pray for the unfortunate ass that places his hands on my children, because I will give him no mercy. Death will be slow and painful for those that hurt our children.

2010-02-28T12:52:00.001-08:00

Pulling out the thorn
You all know I love to use analogies and not just because it has 'anal' in it. It's great for describing something generally without actually spelling it out*. I don't like to censor myself, but it has to be done. There's really some things that are best left in the confines of our skulls.

Like all things stored in our skulls, there are times when something just has to come out. I mention this because I just got something off my chest and I'm now enjoying the high of 'letting it go'. I often have a hard time doing that; just letting go. In this case, my relief comes in the form of telling a woman how madly in crazy crush I was with her during our Jr. High years. It surprised me how good it felt to let her know that I was too freaked out and stupid to even talk to her at the time. When she asked why I didn't tell her, of course my response was that I was a stupid kid and fearful of rejection. I felt further relief when she told me that I wouldn't have been rejected. Win for me albeit 20 years late!

We talked for a few hours today via chat and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a big stupid grin on my face while I write this. I even got to tell her that I was in love with her legs (which surprised her because she thinks they're a curse or something). No...I really was quite obsessed with her delicious shapely legs.

For those of you that don't know me well enough, I am a leg guy. I blame all the Soccer girls that would come to my house (because I have a twin sis, yo) quite often. Girls have sleep-overs and well...twin brothers develop fetishes like being hopelessly attracted to women with lovely, yummy, strong legs. I have always loved looking at athletic women because they have what I think are perfect legs. Strong thighs, thick calves, and the more significant the bulk, the more I want to worship them. Her legs were like that and a whole fucking factory of chips. They were a great combination of thick thighs/calves narrowed to a perfect ankle/foot. Forgive me for continuing to praise them, but you have to understand the impact she had on my poor hormones. I dreamed of a day when I could touch them and I'm sure spent a lot of time daydreaming about them during our mutual classes. To say I was totally obsessed would be a gross understatement.

It just so happened that she was smart too and you know how I feel about girls like that. They make me all gooey and fucking stupid.

So, after I finished talking to her, I floated over to this blog to tell you all how awesome I feel. All floaty and nostalgic. Yup, still floating. Now I'm going to eat some Mexican food.

* Not Anal

2010-02-25T14:04:00.000-08:00

Day 7 of being unemployed
The shock has finally wore off and I also recently discovered that I have an indecipherable signature. Yes, my handwriting is atrocious, but can you blame me? The reason I bring this up is because I am contemplating lending in a hand at my Son's School. I should go and find a place to practice my handwriting because, yes, even having the big awesome Internet at my fingertips isn't keeping me entertained well enough (lately).

With my life completely thrown back into 'unscheduled' mode, I'm keeping odd hours and some bad habits that I definitely need to cease before they get out of control. It's funny how being idle makes you push the proverbial envelope of sanity.

A good analogy right now would be that I'm stranded on an island. Every once in a while, I get a message-in-a-bottle of which I interact with the outside world. I still need to build a fucking boat because frankly, I'm getting tired of my seaweed/seafood/insect diet. My mental state is 'holding' which means that I'm still considering my options. Fortunately, in this analogy, I have a good deal of music to further reinforce my resolve.

Twittering seems to be a whole untapped spring of bitchin awesomeness. If I could somehow filter all the txt lngo i wud b gud 2 go*. That was even painful to write! I have a serious neurosis** and can't do anything but analyze why it bugs me to read/write txt talk. But I digress. There's a feature that allows you to view others with Twitter apps...like in your geographic area...like on a map. It's a stalkers wet-dream come true and I really enjoy being the fly-on-the-wall. Maybe a little too much.

*"Texting Lingo, I would be good to go"
**It's seriously hard for me to read and causes me some mental pain when reading it.

2010-02-23T14:46:00.001-08:00

Now on Twitter!
As if you didn't already get enough of me, follow tobitwit in his search for meaning in his currently neutral life.

2010-02-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

Danger: High Voltage
I have more to talk about than just a song stuck in my head. It's not great news, but news none-the-less.

Yours truly is now unemployed. I saw it coming, just didn't know when it was going to happen.

When my boss called me into an unoccupied conference room, I pretty much knew what was going down. I sensed something of a change in my management a few months ago. One was kind enough to tip me off that they knew I was seeking alternative employment. They knew, I knew, so I had no argument. I went quietly with my sparse belongings in tow, head hanging at half-mast.

All I had to say was 'thanks'. Seriously...I'm glad it happened because I didn't want it anymore. I held on with minimal enthusiasm, and frankly, lying about my dedication wasn't easy on my conscience. I don't like being dishonest, even when I've already justified doing it.

I'll admit that I lost this job months ago simply because I didn't comply with my management's direction (in specific circumstances). Across the board, I believe I gave my customers acceptable service. And I can walk away knowing a few of them will wince knowing that I have moved on (or so I tell myself) to greener pastures.

At best, the vengeful side of me is hopeful that my absence will severely inconvenience them until they can find a (worthy) replacement.

2010-02-04T23:08:00.001-08:00

I might just OD...
on Music. Yes, if it's possible, I feel like I'm reaching some kind of threshold that you get when your brain doesn't shut off unless you get some. A sort of frenzy where I can't seem to get enough of it. Insatiably, utterly frenzious.

Some mutual *lovers of music turned me onto a few websites that have fulfilled and fueled this ravenous behavior. I'll share because, dammit, it'd be a sin not to!

Grooveshark - Playlist creator - pretty robust selection of music and great if you already know what you want to hear. The controls aren't all that user friendly, but I managed to beat my head against it enough to queue up a few days worth of music. **Lovin it!

Pandora - Internet Music - I'm a slobbering addict of this site, so forgive the extra praise I give this site. The nifty feature of this site is the unique ability to analyze the music you listen to and suggest/play music it thinks you might like. Some other features I like:

Interesting story profiles of various albums, artists, etc.
Generous playlist (I don't hear very many repeats unless I flag that 'I love it')
Fairly user friendly
Inexpensive subscription fee - normally, I'd be stingey about a 'fee', but this isn't too bad ($36usd) for a whole year.

LastFM - Internet Music - A little like Pandora, but based overseas. So far, I like this site and if I were to directly compare it up to Pandora, LastFM seems to have a tad better library (atleast with music I like to listen to. I haven't found anything in particular I don't like, so we'll stick to the pros:

This site is pretty nice site, and FREE is always good, no?
Exceptional library
User friendly interface

This is clearly some form of promotion although I like to think of it as promoting the appreciation of Music. Enjoy!

* - the leg-humping variety
** - more leg-humping, but significantly more ferocious

2010-01-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

I figured out my life-goal
It's really not all that impressive, but when it occurred to me what my life's ambition was, I laughed the only kind of laughter one has when it sounds absolutely ridiculous (when you say it out loud). It's sounds so me!

So here it is people, I want to do nothing for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do all the traveling and awesome stuff you can do when you're financially secure. I frankly would just rather not have to do anything resembling 'work' to achieve this.

How does one achieve such a high roller goal? I think I would like to just continue to write about things I like or dislike. Maybe even things I only pretend to dislike even though they're what keep me awake at night. It's stuff I would do anyway, and I think I do it pretty well even if I'm the only one who believes this.

In order to not be obligated to actually work, I have to find a niche' that will accomidate to my laziness and to my vulgar, abnormal creative side. Then I sell out and live in infamy as one who works really hard at doing nothing.

2009-10-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

Aaand we're back...!

So, what can I say people? Life is pretty much the same for me; ever progressing, constantly digressing, and what were we talking about again?

In the least, I can say I'm in decent health. By 'decent', I mean I am fully clothed and consistent with my bathing.

2009-08-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Rich in friendship

Just when I think that my pockets are empty and I have nothing good in my life, I am, yet again, proven completely wrong.

This Saturday, I was invited over to my friends' house for the usual partaking of charring meat, the consumption of alcohol, and maybe take in the fragrance of radiated plant life. All good things and of course, who could forget the good company of people who have adopted me into their lives as surrogate family.

It's true what they say about family; you really can't choose them, you just somehow get inducted into it. Fortunately for me, my friends have adopted me and I to them. They will never leave me and I will never even consider trading them in (not even for a new porche).

So, Saturday, I am enjoying beer and the sated feeling of good food in my belly when it suddenly gets quiet around me. My friends gradually had gathered around me while I chatted away and began the murmer of the birthday song. And suddenly, the birthday song was audible and I realized that it was me who they were singing to. I can hardly explain the amount of love I felt at the time because it was just so overwelming. They put a pastry in front of me along with a few candles, then handed me a hand-made card from his daughter who had gotten everyone to sign their names on said card. Lucky for me, I held back the tears until later.

I'm feeling great today because I know I am loved and appreciated even though I don't always feel this way. It seems stupid to me how I can keep going back and forth about not being capable of loving another person.

2009-08-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

Random things to share

My son really wanted to tell me about an item in Warcraft one evening and I really wasn't interested to hear about it, even telling him, 'C, I really don't want to know!'. He accepted this and went to bed shortly thereafter. Now before you say "Oh Tobi, how could you fucking say such a thing to your child?", I think you should spend some time with any 13yr old boy totally obsessed with a computer game and then tell me you're still interested in everything he has to say. Nuff said.

Anywho, back to my story...

I wake up the next morning and as I'm walking by the boy to head to the shower, he wakes up from his dead sleep and blurts out the statistics of the item he was so desperate to tell me about the previous evening. I stood there in shock staring at him wondering, 'Is my kid a little obsessed?' Maybe a little bit, but he's like that. His neurosis is not unlike mine where we'll obsess over obscure details or events that we percieve to have made an impact on us. This is something I accept about myself, but I feel for him in that he still has a long way to go to learning how to 'let things go'.

Fuck July...

July is over and I'm so relieved that I survived the hell that was my job. As I mentioned, I was the only one in my department which can often be overwelming. It was everything I thought it would be and more. I only wanted to quit roughly twice a day and the idea of becoming a landscaper only clouded my judgement on a few occasions. My sleep sucked and I'm still super glad to have my coworker back (from Vacation).

Crazy has another name...

I have decided to name my delusional coworker 'Loca' because calling her 'Crazy' would be like calling the Pacific Ocean a puddle. You'd think nothing surprises me anymore, but nope, I'm constantly being reminded that the only thing you can expect from people of this crazy level is the unexpected!

Crazy chicks are rumored to be outstanding lovers and I can't help wondering what the sex must be like with Loca. In reality, however, that's as close as I'll get to putting my penis in her. I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to find out.

I'm a pirate

This weekend, I downloaded a ton of music and also some episodes of BattleStar Galactica. It's nice to have a refreshed musical library so I don't have to listen to the same playlist. I'm sure my partner in crime 'Kitty' will appreciate that.

2009-07-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

Texual Communications (Revised)

It has, once again, come to my attention that I should stop using text to communicate with prospective companions. Nothing i've been exposed to thus far has been the cause of so many misunderstandings/fights as text.

I know why it bothers me; It's not what's being written, it's what's not being written, how long it takes to respond, and punctuation/lack thereof. They're all subject to the observers' perspective and often times, what we read isn't what the other person means to say. Fucking confusing!

People like myself, ones of the hyper-observant pursuation, are often times jaded about text conversations because they just never live up to the conversations you can have in person. I'm just so dissatisfied with the responses I get that it makes me not want to respond. To prevent this jaded feeling, I will, from this point further, have the expectation that I wont ever be satisfied with text communication and leave it at that.

If this chick wasn't so cool, I probably wouldn't care, but in her case, I'm taking extra precautions to make sure my neurosis doesn't compromise a perfectly healthy growing relationship with her. To make me even more paranoid about this, she knows my blog address. I suppose if she has read it with any frequency, it shouldn't concern me because she's still talking to me.

A former associate of mine made a comment on my FB today about wondering why I'm still single. Geez, can you open a bigger fucking can of worms? Where do I start? Let me sum it up by saying that I think this blog should be changed to 'how I fucked it up and what to do if you want to remain single' but that's too damned long. On the outside, it would appear that i'm 'normal', but I know that's nowhere near being the truth.

It's true that I'm entirely too hard on myself about matters of the heart. Is it wrong to not want the best for yourself? My theory here is that I'm not happy with myself, so how could I expect others to be happy with me?
Right...now you know what's been on my mind lately.

2009-07-17T11:58:00.001-07:00

Restless (again)

This may be the caffiene talking, but I'm feeling very restless to move forward. I think my idling status is beginning to take it's toll on my psyche. Whenever I sit too long in one place, I start questioning if I'm really making any forward progress. The brute in me would bludgeon me with the phrase, 'If you have to ask, then you don't need to know'.

I have done much honest soul-searching lately...so much that I'm weak with the burden of what I need to do to be where I want.

My sense of urgency is heightened as I near my 36th birthday. Why is this? Well...let's see, I really don't have my shit together when people my age are contemplating retirement. To the outside observer, I probably appear like I'm a fuck-up (or maybe that's just me being too hard on myself once again). I acknowledge this which is why I am still single after 5 years after a marriage I'm still surprised I was capable of in the first place.

I know what I need to do, but asking is close to amputating one of my own limbs (with something very dull and very rusty without drugs).

'Suck it up, Toby'

Yeah...it's time to do just that.

2009-07-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

"Please hit FF, thanks!"

This is what I'm saying in my mind today at the beginning of July. This month, I anticipate being very heavily used at work and also started an early shift to help out during the day.

2009-06-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

The Boy and I

Are getting re-acquainted while he stays with me for the next month or so. It's only been 5 days since his Mother dropped him off and he's already asking to go home. I suppose he's not liking the limited entertainment at my shack. I don't blame him though...there's really not a whole lot for a 13yr old boy to do unless he wants to gorge himself on World of Warcraft. I would've thought he could hang in there for another few days at least, but I over-estimated his need to be with his Mom.

And then he said he missed his cats. Reasonable plea, I suppose, but I'm hoping he can hold out.

He's been great about keeping himself clean since hygene has been an issue in the past. Every night I get home, he tells me he brushed his teeth, took a shower and shampoo'd his hair. He seems to be getting used to it and I haven't had to tell him 'you stink' in quite a while. Good progress, but I'm mostly concerned with what's going to happen when he goes back to living with his mother. It's not that she doesn't take care of it, it's just that she doesn't maintain her authority over him. He doesn't respect her or his grandmother and that's just not right. He does what I tell him without questioning it (too much), but his mother and grandmother just give up a little too easy for my taste.

I have held my tongue about it for a long time, but I'm starting to believe that they're seeing that they need to be the authority, not just act like they want it. I don't really know how to describe it, but I know that I'm the parent as does the boy. He may not like it, but he knows it just as I did when I was a kid.

Living with him again has been a good experience; one which I had forgotten how much I was missing. I know that where I live will not be acceptable enough for me soon and that I need to get my own place. When that happens, I want the boy to live with me so I can help him be successful in life. It's not that I don't trust his mother, I would just prefer to have a more direct influence over him.

The prospect of having my own place has me day-dreaming right now. I look forward to the tedious things like preparing my own meals, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning up before I have guests come over to visit.

/sigh Some day soon....

2009-06-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Kids are worth it
I'm stealing this from my pal Sizzle who has the 2nd coolest nephew in the world (I have 4 that take the first position by default, sorry Sizz!). It's the truth and I know this because I see it every time I spend time with my children. Even though they're basically both Teenagers, they are still my two favorite kids, ever.

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of being involved with my daughter's School event. They called it the 'Summer Solstice', but it was more like an excuse to raise funds for future events. It consisted of several booths containing games where people payed (with tickets) to play. They could win prize tickets which could then be turned in to get cheapie prizes. My initial thought; Not so impressed.

My Ex was with us and had been asked to run one of these game booths, so I decided to hang out since my daughter was busy mingling with her friends. It turned out that the booth the Ex was managing was pretty popular (the bean bag toss) and eventually, I got roped into participating in the running of the game booth. Contrary to my initial thoughts about it, I really enjoyed myself running that booth. It helps that I get along quite well with my Ex and pretty soon, our tent was swarming with eager young players.

It seriously warmed my heart to provide encouragement to each kid to step up for a try. To see their faces when they succeeded (even remotely) was a reward in itself. Sure there were a few shitheads to show up, but the majority of the kids were polite and quite well behaved. I had several lovely mommies to flirt with and, as always the case when I'm around lots of kids, a few new friends to help keep me company. My Ex tells me I'm a kid magnet, and I think she's right to some degree.

The proverbial icing on the cake was added by the arrival and frequent loitering of my daughter and her friend. It was so nice to have her hang out with me in spite of other fun things to do at the Carnival. The fact that she kept coming back was a good reminder that my little girl is still mine. My requirement for her, if she wanted more tickets, was that she pay me in hugs. I feel this was a good trade considering I held her for a while and whispered to her how much I loved her each time. You'd think it would get old for her, but she never once pushed me away or let go until I had my fill of her embrace. I will always know she loves me, but the hugs are a great reinforcement to that feeling.

Even as I write this weeks after the event, I have very fond memories of the good times we had that day. I never thought having kids would make me such a softy, but it's the truth. They both make me very happy and I can barely remember what it was like to not have them.

Unconditional love rules. That's all.

2009-06-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

"Out of sight...out of mind"

The latter half of that cliche' is one that is truly appropriate to my situation. Yes, indeed, that's the honest truth about my driving situation. It's really too overwelming to look at without the wincing...a lot. Yes...I'm out of my fucking mind to openly ignore my transportation problem. It's now a 'problem' because for every month I have it sitting somewhere, I have to continue paying someone to keep it there.

I'm considering just selling it and moving on with my life, but here's the other problem I've been ignoring for much longer: My financial situation... which would take several years for me to patch up making it that much harder for me to afford an acceptable vehicle.

It's safe to say that I excel in my skills of denial. I wish I was this good with my other skills.

And a special thanks to the coworker that directly asked me about my transportation situation. I thanked her and asked her to kick me in the nuts again. Dammit, why can't she just let me sit in my own filth? I can't be mad at her for asking, I don't think she knew it was an equally sore subject as my pending divorce (by pending, I mean that I'll eventually get one, but no, I haven't filled out any paperwork much less even thought about it).

Maybe I should think about getting these things fixed. Yeah.

2009-06-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still standing

Thank you Elton John for contributing to today's blog title. It really doesn't have anything to do with standing or remaining prone or erect or anything...not that I have any problems with remaining erect (unless alcohol is involved).

Today, I'm going to talk about waking up every day and getting out of bed to perform the tasks we must do to enjoy whatever lifestyles we maintain. It really takes a lot of discipline to keep doing this and not go nutty.

We have the weekends to thank for our breaks in our jobs, unless you're one of the fortunate people to not have to be bound by a schedule. Either way, if we were to be stuck doing our jobs or tasks every day, every hour, I bet more people would turn to drugs or other vices to escape.

This subject came up today while I was reflecting how long I've worked at this current job. I called myself a 'noob' (meaning still new at the job), and I was corrected by my partner in crime; 'Kitty'. She's quite effective at giving me a good slap of reality when I need it. Anyway, she corrected me by saying that I was not a 'noob' by now. It has, after all, been 7 months since I started this job. Although this doesn't exactly mean that I'm an expert, it does imply that I can't use the excuse that 'I'm new here' any longer.

And then I thought about how long it's been since I've taken a sick day. Have I ever taken a sick day here? Not thus far! I think this is quite an accomplishment considering how easy it was to justify calling in and giving myself a free day off (at my previous employer). I guess this is an improvement in my attitude as well as a reflection of how much different this job is than the last. I may be late every now and then, but I show up, I do my work, and sometimes I even go home late.

The wheels

Riding the bike has been quite theraputic for me thus far. Although I still need to get myself a light and probably a new bike, I have settled into the habit of the 6 mile ride to the BART. It sure as hell beats the 45 minute ride on a Bus and then another 45 minute trip home I would normally do on Public Transportation. There's a certain freedom in riding my bike instead of being trapped on a Bus. I like the freedom and believe that I will continue to travel this way even when I get my Automobile at a functional state.

My thighs and calves are looking quite robust, so the physical improvements are more than enough to encourage me to continue doing this. My legs haven't looked this good in years and I'm managing to make my jeans a tad more loose than normal. These are all positive steps to improving myself and it might even mean I'll get laid again. Yay for me.

Hearing from an old friend

Facebook has been quite reliable in keeping me in touch with people that I am fond of with maybe a few exceptions. It's also reminded me how many really awesome people that have touched my life thus far.

Another female friend from my past has recently made an appearance in Facebook and it's been really a treat talking to her again. I was pleasantly surprised to see how she has blossomed into womanhood like I knew she would. Have I really known this many wonderful girls in my lifetime? Given all the beautiful women I know now (inside and out), I can't help thinking that this the reward I get for being the nice guy..and no, I'm being serious here!

Sorry to cut this off so abruptly, but I ran out of things to talk about and I have to get ready for my ride home. Ciao!

2009-05-26T13:44:00.001-07:00

"Because you can't argue with crazy"

Is word-for-word what my collegue said about the resident nutcase in my office. I had no idea how this person got past my radar, but lo and behold...I now see it for myself. Everything all adds up now, whereas before, it seemed like something was amiss with this woman.

As some of you already know, I am infamously oblivious to certain behavior, but you would think I could recognize my own kind. Contrary to this, I believe that everyone is crazy in their own special way. She's a whole different kind of crazy, so this is probably why I didn't notice until just recently. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

What did it for me was when stupid me opened his mouth and offered a public thought to her (in passing at the proverbial watering hole). Stupidity sounded like this:

"Oh hi Crazy Chick..." (no, I didnt' really call her that...) I smiled and then I thought about a conversation we had previously about her hair (when she asked what I thought of the style). Before thinking about the consequences, the brain-to-mouth filter failed to stop the question, "Have you ever had your hair in a Bob Style?"

Crazy Chick stopped dead in her tracks and immediately fired back, "What? Don't you like my hairstyle?" She asked in a more-than-the-situation-called-for-serious tone.

Big mistake, I know! I still wince when I think about this. Guys, you know you're not supposed say anything besides compliments when you comment on a girl's hair. Doesn't matter if they're crazy or not. You must be prepared for the the consequences if you tread on this territory.

I stammered my response, caught completely off-guard by the response, "Uhhh, ...." I had to think fast, "No, I didn't say I didn't like it. I was just thinking a Bob Style would look good on you, that's all." I tried to smile as innocently as possible as to not further fan the flames of crazy.

She still didn't look convinced, but nothing I said seemed to pull me out of the fire...in fact...the more I talked, the more it seemed she was sure that's what I meant by my comment. If she was messing with me, I sure was unable to read it. Believe me, I was looking for any signs that she was serious...a wink, a dimple, anything! I think she was kidding, but it didn't seem like it at the time. Later that day, when I received a call from her, she jabbed me with, 'Even though you hate my hair.' Yeah, she was joking, or was she?

Who fucking knows/cares?

Seriously though, this isn't the first time she's come up with her own conclusion (while also completely dismissing anything to counter it). I have learned to not argue with her simply because it gets me nowhere. No matter what kind of logic I use, it's just shot down and buried before my very eyes. So yeah...I should know by now not to argue with Crazy. It's just impossible and pointless.

Anyone know someone like this? Do you just smile and play along like I do?

I've taken it a step further by telling her that from now on, whatever she says...is right. I agree. That's all I will say...even if I don't really agree. It keeps her happy and that's cool with me as long as our paths don't cross very often.

2009-05-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

Someone please give my boss something to do

She needs help and I believe that she needs something better to do than to ride my ass all day about trivial shit. At my company, we have the 'open door' policy which, I think, means 'There's the door, it's open, feel free to use it at any time'. I don't feel so comfortable with telling my boss this because I think she wont really understand she's doing it.

As a friend once said, 'You can't argue with crazy'. I definitely know how futile it is to match logic up against one that obviously has no business with dealing in terms of reality. It's one of those things that you just can't, no matter how hard you try to force logic, do anything to convince the crazy person anything other than the undeniable truth. Of course, if this person doesn't see anything beyond their own truth, you're fucked and still stuck in the same place you are now.

Anywho, I am convinced that no matter how much logic or reality I present upon my case, I still will be unable to convince the crazy party that they're wrong...no matter how I do it.

You could say that I feel some semblance of futility on my part, but this is where I tell you that I am rebelling against crazy and saying officially that they have no place in reality. We all know that they only exist to test our faith in reality and those that do it really make us appreciate how much we are aware of our reality.

End rant.

2009-05-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

Random story

So as you know, I have been taking public transportation for a while now. And in doing so, I generally see the same people quite frequently. I see the Bus drivers especially more often than anyone else, so I naturally want to know their names. I dont know why this is, but I figure I see someone every day, why not find out their name?

There's this one woman bus driver I see almost every day and the first time I asked for her name, she refused to tell me. From that point on, I was determined to continue to guess her name until I was correct. Plus, she's cute, what's the harm in a little game I never intended to win?

In keeping my promise, because I'm just crazy like that, every day I saw her, I gave her a new name.

Today was the day my guess was finally correct. I was just standing in line to get onto the bus and the name just formulated in my head. Introspectively, I randomly thought of a name I've heard Aussies use (I think to define as some random female) and chose it on impulse. When I said, 'good morning Sheila', her expression went from her usual smile to that of shock.

"What did you say??" She said wide-eyed.
"Um, good morning Sheila?"
"H-how did you come up with that?" still in bewildered surprise.
"How did I come up with it? I dunno, I was thinking about Sheila E" (lying because I didn't want her to think I was calling her some Sheila) still clueless as to what she was asking...typical.
"My name, that's my name!"
"You're kidding me!!!" She showed me her bus driver ID...yup...Sheila!

I think my reaction was enough for her to see that I guessed her name at random. I was totally caught off-guard because I never thought I would ever guess it. Hell, I started with 'A' and decided to work my way up the alphabet. Once I ran out of 'A' names, I decided to just start picking names at random...usually while I was just stepping on board the bus.

Honestly, I thought it would never happen, and quite frankly, it was fun coming up with new names every time I saw her. It was like our own inside joke and now I don't know what to do. I feel that our little game just ended too quickly and now I'm struggling to figure out how to replace it.

The end.

2009-05-18T12:15:00.000-07:00

The dance of two left feet

I've never been much of a dancer except when I took that Ballroom Dancing class (several years ago). It's even worse now that I'm involved in this informal version of a dance to which I have no idea where to put my feet. I am used to falling on my face, but it doesn't prevent me from flinching while thinking about it.

I'm referring, of course, to this dance of subtlety involved in the courting process. I realize that we have not even come to the point of courting, but I can't help but try to plan my moves early...just in case. This is another one of those neurotic, stupid feelings I have when I meet someone that interests me. They're on my mind often, I read way too much into their communications and I become terribly impatient. It's no surprise that, thus far, my life has been full of unsuccessful relationships.

A good friend decided to slap some sense into me by reminding me of how this stupid dance works. I have been showing entirely too much interest in Salon Girl, and I need to just fucking 'wait and see'. I acknowledge this, so I'm now going to back off and wait~exactly what I don't really feel like doing.

And now she has sent me her 2nd email today after the first one explained that she was bored out of her mind. I should really stop reading into this and let things happen on their own. But where's the fun in that?

I just said 'to hell with it' and asked her for her phone number since I never directly asked her for it. To my relief, her reply included her phone number. Why was that so hard? Probably because I can't turn off my fucking brain.

So next comes my call...which I think is going to be easier than actually asking for her phone number. I've already talked to her on the phone, so we shall see where that takes us.

I have a few places in mind for a first date or whatever it's called; The Hookah Lounge or Bowling...maybe Sushi. I like all 3 ideas, but the Hookah Lounge seems like it's the best option considering she's a casual smoker.

Stay tuned for more neurotic over-analysis!

2009-05-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

Resistance is detected...abort mission?

My prospective date is not giving me any obvious signs she still wants to go out somewhere. I don't want to apply pressure to scare her away, but then again, I also don't want her to think I've lost interest. Is there any middle ground to this? I'm sure it varies among people.

I'm still lost when it comes to detecting the right signs to proceed or vacate, but I have received emails from her that make me think she's still interested. I believe it's always a good sign that someone's interested if they share more than you ask in an email. Her email responses are always friendly and warm, plus, they include more questions and information shared. This is a good sign I think. If I were to get a brief response, and it's consistent, I get the impression they're just responding to not hurt my feelings. Am I wrong to think this? Logic check please!

I wish I knew how to play the middle ground here. I'm sure if she knew I was giving it this much thought, she'd probably be outta here like the rest of them. Thankfully, she wont figure out how crazy paranoid I am till much later.

2009-05-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

Going for it

What exactly is Toby going for anyway?

Well people, I'm taking some much needed advise (thanks Trix!) and just 'going for it'. It's definitely not like me to ask someone out especially this early in our communications, but my instincts (in a rare showing of confidence) tell me I should do this. As another friend would say, I'm pulling the trigger and see what happens. The last post, as you may have guessed, is all about me ~~contemplating the trigger-pulling process and the variables in which decide the best outcome~~chickening out on this seemingly good opportunity to spend time with a worthy example of the opposite sex.

Well...let's hope my instincts are right!

To be continued...

2009-05-11T16:00:00.001-07:00

Timing seems to be a recurring theme

It is, at least for me, important to presume that timing is as important as the words you choose as it is the Oxygen we breathe. In a perfect world, my timing excels in every subject known to the Universe, but since we don't live in a perfect world, we'll have to settle for reality.

My timing with most things is pretty good. I tend to know when to throw in the punch line, and I also believe I know how much to embellish to give that feeling of anticipation before giving them what they want; some form of closure.

I like to think of it as a magic trick or a good story. If your finale is short and provides no closure, it doesn't matter if you spent your summers with Ernest Hemmingway; your audience will get up and leave.

So obviously there must be this middle ground which we must find, not by asking, but by feeling our way through it.

Now why would I go through the trouble of explaining all these variables without coming to the whole point of this post. Does there need to be a point? For my own benefit? Yes. For others? Well, that's up to you, but you know I eventually get to the point even if it's not what I intended it to be initially.

Back to my point and why I mention timing...

I feel that one of my biggest weak points in meeting women is how well I plan my timing. I either go way too fast, or I freak out and pull on the brakes when I think I went too fast. It's the main reason I failed at Sales. I simply suck at closing the deal. It's finding the middle-ground where I think I will be successful in meeting the right women.

Yes, I'm aware that my tendency to over-think situations, but I have to somehow get around this. How does one who over-thinks overcome this? I personally think this has to do with faith in ones' ability.

If someone knows of a way to shut-off this part of their brain, please tell me. This method should be patented (if it isn't already).

2009-05-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

I really had intended to discuss the Robbery...
But blogger had better ideas...namely destroying my much embellished story of my recent Robbery. Seriously Blogger, WTF??

I lost my motivation and got pissed off, then logged off before I could truly say 'fuck you very much' to my pal blogger. Eat...a...dick.

2009-05-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

Peddling and Pedaling

I'm doing the latter because riding a bike is a much safer to do at night and I have a slightly less probability of being robbed. It's also a good way to get into shape.

Since last Monday (April 27th), I have been riding my bike no less than 6 miles per day (except weekends where I ride around to various stores/businesses at my leisure). I feel great and didn't realize which muscles are being used to ride a bike. The first week, was very rough, but I have been progressively making better time each day.

It's been a long time since I rode a bicycle anywhere. In fact, it's been since my late teens since I actually rode one other than out of amusement. The last time I rode one was when I was visiting my Sis in Santa Barbara. I would only visit during the Halloween season because it's a bustling city of young intoxicated females. Anyway, I rode around on a bike and it surprises me to this day that I didn't crash in spite of my intoxicated state.

By my count, that puts the date sometime almost 15 years ago when I rode a bicycle last. I'm frankly amazed at how quickly the body remembers the motions. I feel a lot more confident on it, but there are still some things I need before I feel entirely safe, namely a helmet and some lights.

So that's all for today. Hopefully it will stop raining so I can cruise home instead of taking the Bus. Fuck the bus.

2009-04-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

Recovering from having a gun pointed in your face

It's really much harder than you would think. I am still in shock and don't know how much longer it will take before I snap out of it. I don't really want to make a big deal about it, but I suppose it will help to talk about it some. My initial post was successful in telling exactly how detached I am from the experience. Even as the events replay in my head over and over again, I can't help but think how much worse it could've gone for me. Slowly, I'm coming out of my haze, which hopefully means I can drop this issue entirely.

Still, it's been a great lesson to have as a reminder. I would've much preferred a different way of getting said reminder, but hey, we can't really be picky about where we learn life's most important lessons; Survival.

Much like the first time this happened, I'm quite frustrated with how our Society has deteriorated in that children are committing Felonies. Every time I have gone back into public, I am reminded of how this is all the fault of Parents everywhere.

In the Taco Shop near my house, I watched a kid, no more than 5 years old tell his Mom that he was thirsty. He even told her to get him a coke to which she obediently did so. No fucking 'please', no 'may I', but 'Mom, get me a coke'!!! What the fuck Bitch? Did you leave your goddam self respect back at the Dry Cleaners? It's people like you (that don't raise your pimp-hand to your fucking disrespectful spawn) that are to blame for what happened to me! Learn to put the fear of retribution in your children! I was so infuriated by this blatant lack of respect that I almost got myself punched in the face (when I asked her if she was going to let her kid talk to her like that). Her response..."He's just 5! And mine yo own bidness".

Mind my own business...no...I don't think i'll do that anymore. That's my business now. And every time I see it, I'm going to be that asshole parent that is telling you how to raise your little Satan's Spawn. Obviously, if I have to tell you how to raise your kids, then yeah, you don't deserve to reproduce. Simple as that.

What makes me most angry about this is that I am, again, facing the possibility that I can no longer be the nice person I once was because he only ends up being the victum. I probably wouldn't do much to discourage a fight because I'm anxious to pound someone's face. This is what concerns me. I'm normally a pacifist. Not the case lately. Hopefully this is just something I'll get over with and I sincerely would prefer this to be the case. I don't need to get into a fight much less get my ass thrown in jail for no good reason.

2009-04-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

I've only been robbed twice now
Another fascinating fact about yours truly. I'm honestly shocked and amused by the situation. Shocked, because it fucking happened again. Amused because of how much I learned about myself tonight.

This post, tonight, will be about me unwinding after a somewhat traumatic experience. It was just so surreal that I'm still replaying the events in my head and I struggle to find a way to described how 'scatter-brained' I feel. Look, I just had a run-on sentence, that should tell you something. I'm glad to be home...what else can I say?

I'll try because I'm still way too amped up on adrenaline and anxiety to sleep.

This event has altered my proverbial course, much like the previous experience. I'm left with the feeling of being the victum most importantly. I don't like being in that position and I'm through with that role ever again. I also can't shake how much I value my own life. Thankful for being able to write this and be able to enjoy this joint moreso than ever before....(I will).
There's a part in the book Fight Club where Tyler has a gun to a store clerk's head while also inquiring about why he never made a life for himself. I identify with that guy except I didn't feel like my life was at risk (when it was happening). Of course it was at risk, but I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize it!

Boy, you can't believe how much you like life once the realization comes to you of how close you came to seeing its end. I'm a fucking believer now. Life is fucking good.

Under the circumstances, I think this will have to be a 2-parter because I'm feeling the fatigue coming on (and I did smoke that joint upon it's mention in this post) right now.

To be continued....

2009-04-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

Breakin' the rules...

Has never been so deliciously good. While I realize this probably isn't too serious of rule-breaking, it's still something that I have been explicitely told not to do by my Landlord. It's good enough for me to have that giddy feeling in my gut reliving the fact that I'm 'getting away with it'.

You may be wondering, "..what the hell is Toby's talking about?" but alas, I shall explain in my usual manner; frequently digressing for further embellishment and sometimes amusing story-telling.

There was a specific rule when I moved into my current living situation where I was shocked and quite disgusted to find out. Specifically, I could not bring 'drugs' on the premisis. By the look of the house from the outside, it would appear drugs would be used quite a bit in or around it. Not the case, however...much to my disappointment.

Recently, I have been feeling rebellious about living there because I feel it's very comparable to living with my parents. I also feel like I'm paying too much for what I'm getting. On the other hand, I don't have a written contract with them, so I'm equally fucked if he suddenly decides that he doesn't want me living there any more.

I doubt that there will be much backlash if it's ever discovered that I am breaking the rule. I suppose I should plan ahead if it ever does happen. Like make up some card that says I have a prescription. Yeah...that's a good plan.

I'm at the point where I don't care what happens. Sure, I'm certainly going to try to keep it quiet of my activities, but I am enjoying the fact that I can have a joint in peace and yes, I'm sober right now.

2009-04-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

My eyes, they BURN!

Much happened this weekend, namely me moving the rest of my shit around the hole in which I reside. This was done in anticipation of my father coming to town.

As much as I hate the moving process, I hate the unpacking process even more. To make matters worse, my room still has some junk in it (from the people I rent from). That's a whole 'nother story in which I will begin with '/whine' or '/ranton'. Moving on, I haven't had much motivation to unpack my shit. This means I've been sleeping on my comfy couch and sadly looking at my grandiose bed as it leaned up against my bookshelf (which had no books on it either). Very sad, right?

I figured I'd use the motivation of not wanting to worry my father (about my living situation) to clean up the place and maybe move some shit around. I was very successful in at least making it look somewhat presentable by the time Pa arrived. Still some room for improvement, but way better than what he could've seen. It also allowed me to condense some boxes (onto the bookshelf) and setup my glorious bed (a Cal-King~woot!) which has been a very nice treat for me. I completely forgot how comfortable it is and it fits 3~bring on the threesomes!

The reason for his visit was to bring a new computer he bought for me, one which blows my old clunker out of the water by several years. He planned it to coincide with my kids' spring break, which is this week. In addition to all this, he brought a very large TV. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it considering I have no cable or DVD player to speak of.

Saturday was pretty much spent making my place look presentable, but Sunday, we decided to go down to Santa Cruz to check out the Boardwalk. My kids were quite pleased with this idea and thankfully, it's only a little over an hour drive to get there. It was a gorgeous spring day and the eye candy was everywhere! I guess the rides and games were cool too! The kidlings wore themselves out by going on every ride possible...some, as much as a dozen times. Their favorite was the 'Giant Dipper' and it's hard not to love it when you see the looks of delirious bliss on their faces. We stayed there a total of 6 hours and were thankful to finally see the sun go down. It marked the end of a very enjoyable day and my Pa couldn't help being pleased with the local scenery. He's a dirty old man, so I guess it's no surprise that I am as well.

It's been nice having my Pa (short for Padre) here in town. He's such a cool guy and seems to love the area I live. Maybe I can convince him and Ma to move up here some day. Hah, that's a fantasy at best, but a guy can (continue to) dream, right?

I am left with fond memories and a splitting headache~which I suspect I got from all the exposure to the Sun. It was worth the sunburn!

2009-03-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a user

/rant-on

After careful consideration, it would seem that I'm now using blogger as my personal dumping ground. Call it self-analysis therapy or airing my personal laundry for all to see. Call it whatever you wish, I'm just calling it how I see it.

The fact is...there's been a lot on my mind lately and I haven't had much zeal to share it because I dislike reading it later, then thinking, 'what a fucking whiner!' Seriously, I have issues with hating myself for expression of frustration with being where I place myself. Like the last post about being in the Friendzone...I intentionally put myself in these positions and I have nobody to blame but myself.

If you haven't guessed this is where it would seem that I'm taking the proverbial bat to my bony fleshy parts (genitalia excluded), but it's not. I'm taking the cynical scientific approach today and it may only seem like I'm conducting public self-beating. Seriously.

Now back to my point.

Self-analysis is important for my recent thoughts because I want to change my behavior. I want to be responsible with my money, I want to have a nympho girlfriend, I want to have my car working again so I don't have to spend all of my fucking time en route to work and back. Not all of these things can be solved right away, but they will only become a reality once I create a budget and stick to it. I've created them in the past, but stick with them? Naaa...who the fuck needs another inanimate object telling you what-the-fuck to do? I certainly don't, but you know I'm just being sarcastic here. I really do. I really fucking do need this because I am so unsatisfied with where I am in life.

I'm fed up with being broke. I'm goddamned tired of not being able to afford to spoil my kids. I have been entirely too selfish with my money and just like the Friendzone, I have no one else to blame but myself.

So, moving forward...no more booze, no more cigs, no more blowing my money on things that aren't necessary. I need some sobriety anyway. As much as I'd love to spend a little money on getting stoned, I know that's not possible either if I want to pull myself out of this.

So that's it, that's the scoop, but it's more like a pile.

/rant-off

2009-03-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Stuck in the Friendzone (and okay with it)

I think I've mentioned this in the past where I am a prisoner here in Just-Friendsland. Nobody seems to know where the keys are to get out of this fucking place and I'm beginning to think I'm okay with being stuck here.

Out of all my previous relationships (which, by default, makes them unsuccessful), I'd say one factor that is significantly missing would be friendship. No matter how I spin it, I was either only briefly friends with them, or was simply infatuated with them. It requires a lot of patience to be friends with someone first and I dont' believe I was capable of it until recently.

Some would call this 'settling for friendship' and I only say this for lack of a better verbal description. I'm now close friends with a number of women whom I have grown to admire and could easily fall for if ever the chance came to be. Even if it never becomes anything beyond our friendship, it's still gratifying to know that they equally care for me.

I suppose this is me holding onto hope that this behavior will be rewarded someday with the woman of my dreams, but in a way, I already have several wonderful women to call 'mine' (my friend, not yours!).

For now, patience and faith are allies in search for my better half.

2009-03-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

"All the good ones are taken"

I said this to myself the other day while at a friend's impromptu bbq after having a fantastic conversation with a very lovely and very unavailable woman. Something told me she was taken, and this was before I spotted the ring; she was way too friendly and inviting...and of course because I found her attractive.

Is there something about them being taken that makes me attracted to them? All of my friends' respective wives and girlfriends are attractive to me. Could this be because I'm so 'in tuned' with my friends that I also share their tastes in women? I should hope so. The women they're with all adore me and why shouldn't they? I'm no harm to them and we mutually fluff eachothers' egos.

It never fails that I always walk away (from said events with previously mentioned unavailable women) feeling like I'm really missing out on having a significant other. When I try to convince myself that there are others out there, they seem like some far-away island that I can only read about in National Geographic. And I don't even have a subscription!

So here we are again wondering how to get to point Q when I have yet to pass through C, much less B. I should rename the title of this post as 'Stuck at point A'.

Here's where I make more excuses about why I'm only content with being single. It's too bad you've all heard them before, so what's the point in repeating what's already well known?

2009-03-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

'What we have here...is a failure to communicate.'

This is something that I'm seeing more often lately. This is a problem that I'm not seeing how I can get around without some sort of confrontation. It's clear to me now that I am a significantly different with communication than my boss.

An example of our differences:
"Please provide an update on this situation. -Thanks!" - Me
"Why cant you get your act togeter" - Her

See the differences? Here, I am at least remaining civil and focused on respectfully requesting assistance. And here's bosswoman properly alienating our vendors while also demonstrating poor communication skills. These are the times in which I question my reality on whether this is acceptable or not. My gut tells me, 'No'. The little voice in my head that corrects my own grammar/spelling is screaming, so I suppose it would be accurate to say that if I see this kind of behavior in formalized communications (emails, internally or externally), I tend to judge them negatively.

I suppose this is my own maddening idiosyncracy working here, but I can't help but judge the company and all those associated with it when I read a poorly worded email. I naturally assume others do this when they see her emails and maybe this why it bothers me so much?

Okay, rant's over now. Back to work for me!

2009-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

The all-nighter

Tonight, I will likely be up all night...literally working. It wont really be much I need to do. I just need to keep heckling our vendor until someone else fixes it. It's my job to be a pest, but I think I do it quite well.

My son got to hear me working last saturday (all day) because I was 'on-call' this week. He tells others that I 'talk to people' for a living. Hehe, I suppose that's pretty accurate. I do talk to people all day on the phone. I help them fix stuff, I answer their questions, and most importantly, I enjoy helping people...you know...blah blah blah.

So this evening, I have a ticket in which I need to call someone every hour to ask 'Is it fixed yet??' Good times! At least I can drink lots of caffiene.

2009-02-10T21:55:00.001-08:00

Big Secret: I'm not perfect
I know, right..?...I'm sure you were all aware of this as I painfully admit this to myself. However, there's a reason I bring this up. While I realize that I'm no stranger to flaws, I do happen to take some measure of pride in my ability to communicate. As I said, I'm not perfect, but I think I do pretty well. I'm usually the guy that reads through something and I just happen to spot (and resist the urge to correct) spelling and grammar mistakes.

It's something I've done for years now; when something looks wrong, I want to correct it on impulse. I can be a real snob about it too, especially when it comes to my job. Fortunately for me, I have kept my mouth (and red ink pen) quiet when I see careless mistakes made by people who should know better. I acknowledge that this isn't right for me to say, but I tend to judge people on how they write. To me, what a person writes and how they write says a lot about them.

The reason I bring this up is because I work for someone who nitpicks me on my emails to our customers. I definitely can see how I could've reworded some things to make them sound more positive, but having her correct me on details like this absolutely makes my blood boil. It's very difficult to take pointers from someone that consistently makes grammatical errors in public communications with our customers.

There must be at least a few people out there that see the emails sent (from her) and judge her on it. I would not be able to sleep at night knowing I didn't at least make sure I sent an email without scanning it once afterwards. Sure I'm prone to make a mistake now and then, but seriously, compared to what I've seen thus far, I graduated from Cambridge and might as well have a PHD in English/Grammar.

Okay, I feel better now. /rantoff

2009-02-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

Victums, Prey, and 'the Bash'
Lately, I've been witness to several instances of people who are either have perpetual bad luck, or they're constantly begging to become someone's victum.

There's been an email bouncing around this group I have recently joined (let's just call it the residents-and-friends-of-where-I-currently-reside group) whereas one member has been writing about her experiences in the last decade or so. I have no idea why the bully in me wanted to flame her for it. Maybe it's because I overheard her saying the same things at the 'bash' a few weeks ago. *shrugs*

/Digression

Oh, I forgot to mention the 'Bash', didn't I? It's a weekend-long Annual Party that occurs at my current home. Think of a big nerd party (Big nerds included) with food and drinks of the non-alcoholic kind (there's kids around too) that lasts 3 days. All of those invited are friends of the family (that live here) and their friends. It's more like a mass hodge-podge of people all talking at once and crowded into rooms all across the house.

My daughter seems to have had a good time with all the other little girls running about, but I was borderline annoyed pretty much the entire weekend. Here's why (in no particular order):

Other peoples' children - Have some fucking control over your demon-spawn and don't give me that 'don't-tell-me-how-to-parent' look when I catch your kid doing something he shouldn't be doing. You know your kid's a shithead~your fault, not mine! No wonder they responded so poorly to discipline!
Nobody I really found very interesting - I admit...it was a bit of a stretch to expect to meet anyone remotely interesting, in fact, there were several times when I felt like I was back in my High School Drama Guild meetings.
No Booze or Drugs - It's no coincidence that entertaining parties also include people under the influence of something. Seriously, I was the only one drinking at this party. I felt very out of place and the looks of contempt weren't very helpful. Clearly they were jealous!
Have I mentioned that I don't deal well with undisciplined children? I had to eventually place a ban on all children under the age of 13 in my room so I didn't have to deal with ungrateful brats.

That's all I have to share about this event right now.

2009-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

'Moving forward...'

that's a phrase I use pretty often in my line of work. People always seem to want to know what happens if your initial idea doesn't work, so it's best to provide them a strategy you have in mind.

Life hasn't changed much for me, but I can feel that the ascension has started to level out (proverbially speaking). Rebuilding doesn't seem to be as daunting as it was several months ago. Obviously, things are very different than they are now.

This coming weekend, I'm looking forward to because I'm finally able to take my kiddies out for some recreation. We're going to a museum/kid-friendly activity center in San Francisco with some of my new friends (from work). I'm quite flattered to have been invited to join the cool kids (as I refer to them at work) even though everyone probably just thinks we're dorks...which is fine with me.

My book binge is still ongoing, and I have just finished with my 14th book this month. I had no idea I read so many of them till someone else pointed that out to me. She said to me, 'I see you in here with a new book just about every day. You're not actually reading them are you?'. I really like people who give me shit as much as possible. But besides that, it only then occurred to me that I had been reading a lot of books since starting this job.

Some good news for me; I recently was given a monthly Customer Service award by my company. The email I got from the customer still has me floating to say the least. It's strange too, because just yesterday, I wrote a 4 paragraph email to someone's boss in acknowledgement of them doing a fantastic job (in a very touchy situation). The Tech handled it so well, I asked her to give me her bosses email address so I could let her know how impressed I was with her service. Karma maybe? If so, she's definitely keeping my lap warm right now.

Stop grinding Karma, or I'll make you sit underneath my desk. What? I guess that'd be fine too!!

2009-01-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

All Quiet

After a nice Christmas and New Year's mini-vacation, I have returned to the daily habit of work/life in general.

Thus far, I've been at my current job for almost 2 months and I still love it here. There's been the usual bumps and bruises involved in acclimating to a new workplace. And it wouldn't be 'work' without having to learn how to get things done efficiently. Like anything new, mistakes are the only way we can do to get better, and I'm definitely taking care of that element. It's humbling, but obviously it's not enough to make me regret not working there.

This week will be when I move to the 'alternate' schedule (here at work): 1:30pm to 10pm, Monday through Friday. Not a bad shift, but it will definitely make my transportation a challenge to keep up with until I get some wheels. I'd like to get a bicycle so the cost isn't as high (to travel) and it will encourage me to get some much needed excercise. Once I get financially situated, I can get my car back on the road so I can finally have something resembling a social life.

Not having a car for so long now has really given me the impression I need right now: Driving is a priviledge. I admit that I took this for granted for a long time and I only have myself to blame for having it taken from me. At least it's nice to know that I'm not completely dependant on a car to live in California. If I were in Southern California, I wouldn't be able to say that unless I was in a region close to public transportation.

My new place is making a slow come-back from my initial experience there. The owner of the house is fair and his wife makes some great food. I will never go hungry while I live there as they have opened their house up to me and my kids.

In spite of the things that I'd rather change about the place, at least it's somewhere I can call my own and even though the price still makes me cringe, that old addage about how things could be worse comes to mind when I question the value.

Not much else to say other than I hope all of you had a nice Holiday season. We survived (...again)!

2009-01-05T06:21:00.001-08:00

2009...?...already?

Seriously, I didn't think it would show up so quickly. Maybe someone heard me asking for this year to be over with sometime back in October.

Well...I guess it's time I start posting again now that I don't want to complain about the Christmas Season! Just as soon as I get to work. Ciao.

2008-12-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

Holiday Party

My new company's holiday party was this past Saturday. Everyone was dressed up and looking their best. What can I say that I haven't already about how awesome this company is? The party was no resemblance to disappointment, hell, I'm thinking it was probably the best I've ever attended.

It could've been the fact that there was an open bar, or maybe the sushi bar, and maybe even the clams in the shell. Needless to say, they didn't spare many expenses and I was very happy to see almost the entire party as drunk as can be.

Unfortunately, I had to leave early because I had to take the BART back and didn't feel like taking a cab all the way home.

The end.

2008-12-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

Dear New Landlord,

I wanted to thank you for having me here in spite of the fact that my credit is less than exemplary and you allowed me to move in on such short notice. There are a few things I would like to bring to your attention that may effect my overall satisfaction of being here. Pull up a chair, this wont be brief:

"The Internets are bad"

Have you ever heard of 'overutilization'? It's why we're getting 300 motherfucking milliseconds to our gateway IP. I realize we're all nerds here, but there's a reason I asked you if we could upgrade our bandwidth. Obviously 3 males simultaneously downloading Porn will not be able to do so without having to delay our orgasms to the message 'Buffering'. While I must admit that this form of prolonging my orgasm is new and interesting, it is significantly more new than it is interesting.

I guess I took my last connection for granted because I never had this problem...having to wait for my streaming video. It's such a foreign concept to me, much like paying for sex.

"Insulation is for suckers"

It's a good thing I've got some extra weight on me, otherwise, I'd be developing frostbite in here. And it's also fortunate you have provided me this space heater, otherwise, my genitals might retreat back into my body. I need them for later...maybe, so let's hope this Winter is a mild one, m'kay?

"What do you mean Mary isn't welcome??"

My good friend Mary Jane likes to visit every once in a while and maybe nobody mentioned this to you, but this is California ffs! This is one of those partially liberal states where they have decriminalized possession of Mary Jane to the point where it's a misdemeanor (unless you're planning on going big) to be caught with less than an ounce.

For those of you that have been living under a rock your whole life, an ounce of pot is roughly a two month supply (if you smoke it every day, several times a day). If you're caught here in Cal with less than an ounce, you get a fine, and you don't do jail time. Geez-fucking-wiz, that's almost a felony (but hey genius, it's not)!

Your reasoning was that you wouldn't want your home to be taken away because of any illegal activities or drugs on the premises, but guess what, who the fuck would suspect this place of such a thing? Every Sunday night, your nerd friends come here and watch episodes of DS9 and Star Trek. I'm sure the Police would be very interested in them getting drunk and crazy with Ice Cream and Soda. Seriously dude, in spite of what you think is worthy of getting the attention of the fuzz, your den of level 19 thieves will have to do better than what i've seen so far.

There's got to be something more than just fear of being caught with a generous stash of drugs on your premises. Remind me to corner you some day and pursue this answer so I don't have to think you're a goddamn pussy.

"Free Cable"

That's neat that you have Cable in the main house and an antiquated coaxial cable out here where I live. So I'm paying for this, right? It's included in the total cost of the place? Cool, so do I get a discount since the cable in the house doesn't even have a DVR? If this were 2005, I would take my cake and be fucking thankful I even had it. Again, it's not motherfucker. It's not even 2007 anymore. I know this because otherwise I would be pissed off that I had to start this year over again.

Now that that's out of the way...

Please leave my compliments to your wife for cooking such a fantastic meal tonight. It almost made up for the fact that I had to wait 3 hours to download one of my 30 minute shows tonight.

To be continued....

2008-12-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

The Big Move

Today, my muscles are sore and ankle is protesting at any additional weight I place on it. It never fails to have some sort of injury while moving from one place to another and this time was no exception. I thought that I might finally have a move where I did not manage to injure myself, but as soon as I stepped off the ramp (while unloading the truck), my foot hit an uneven part of the driveway and my ankle went 'POP' followed by me yelping in pain.

I thought I really fucked it up (my ankle), but I can at least walk on it and it doesn't seem to be swollen (much). That health insurance doesn't kick in until the new year, so I'm thankful it wasn't worse. In the mean time, I'm managing to get around albeit slowly.

Hopefully my ankle will recover in time for my company's Holiday Party.

2008-12-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

Jobstuffs

I know after my last post, you might be thinking that I'm like a penis in a world of open and eager vaginas, but contrary to that, I assure you that this is just my overwhelmed exposure to a new professional environment.

It's more like I'm the newest addition to a happy family.

Seriously, I feel like the newborn cog to a highly tuned machine and it's all I can do to suppress the giddy feeling I have to shriek the exclamation 'AWESOME' in 10 minute increments. That's how much I love my new job.

Although my new boss and I have butted heads on a few occasions, I feel that I was made to accomplish this position. It's so nice to wake up every day looking forward to what is in store for you (me). I haven't felt this good in several years about where I am (career-wise) and I want to tell the world how fucking great it feels.

I suppose it's partly due to the fact that I haven't found a job that can not only take advantage of what I currently know, but will also educate me in other facets of the industry. It's been a challenge to find a company that needs my specialized skills and fuel my desire to add the personal touch which I so desperately need to display.

As you probably already know, I absolutely love to give people 'warm fuzzies' for a living. In this day and age, it's rare to find people that are willing and able to provide this feeling. When you call a company for help, it's common to find some jackass that's just there to answer the phone; I fucking hate this as a consumer. Nothing is worse than dealing with a person that reads from a script and can barely relate to what you're going through.

In my current position, I'm one of the few that are available to solve your problem and make you feel like you're a king/queen. Is it worth it to have someone like this working for you? It sure as fucking hell is. I think, as people of the World, we deserve to feel like the person on the other end of the phone gives a shit about what you're going through. It's like cheap Psych-Therapy and I'm proud to say that I will make you feel like I will solve any problem you give me. That's just me and all I want is you to say 'thanks for doing this'. Is that such a hard reward to give?

Anyway, I love my fucking job and where I work is also a perk as far as I'm concerned. Be jealous, make me feel like I earned this fucking position. If you don't, oh well, I still feel this way without your support.

Could life get much better? Hell yes...but I'll take what I have now and thank Karma for her generosity. Thanks Karma, I dont' care what other people say about you, you're 'Okay' in my book!

2008-12-02T19:52:00.001-08:00

Where are my Blinders?

Lately I've had to restrain my need to admire the opposite sex in a long, savoring way. Meaning I am prone to daydream while visually enjoying the sensuous curve of a woman's buttocks, even if others my see me do this. Yes people, this is bad when you're starting at a new job...period. It's must worse now that I work with a number of very attractive women in my immediate area.

Take today for example. There I was minding my own business, making my way to the break room and I see the glorious gift to manhood, also known as 'Jean' (no, that's not her real name) bending over to get a closer look at the contents of the community 'Fridge'. Her hypnotic backside almost nearly made me lose balance when I entered said break room. If I were a God- fearing man, I'd say that God put her ass on this world to test my faith. And if that were really the case, I'd be broken and hoping my death would be swift and painless.

Jean was wearing my favorite Human invention (next to the blowjob); Pinstripe pants and, today, I couldn't have been more thankful for being a man. In the eternity that I examined her delicious posterior, I concluded that she was wearing a thong. What a lucky thong. *sigh*

See what I have to deal with? And it doesn't help that the IT girl is as cute as she is smart and geeky. I should post some of the things she says to me in email and in passing so you can see how adorable she is. You'd probably even have a pretty good idea on how hard it is for me not to flirt with this one.

Now you all know why I prefer working with men. You fucking women are too distracting! *grumbles*

2008-11-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

'Hello. To hoo it may concern'

This is a comment that caught my eye in response to this article. You may have to scroll a little bit to read this nugget of ~~ignorance~~wisdom, but I assure you, it's worth it. It just really begs the question;

'Our we doing enuff too enshoor are kids are safe from ignorants?'

Haha, it hurt me to write that, almost as much as it amused me. What can I say? I amuse myself from time to time.

Black Friday is something I do my best to stay far, far away from if I can help it. You could say I was fearful of my life and, in a way, I am. I've heard enough horror stories and been witness to enough of the days leading up to December 25th to keep me highly reluctant to venture near a shopping facility. Hell, even going to the Supermarket makes me a little twitchy around the holidays.

Fortunately for me, I have plenty of things to distract me from my usual holiday humbugs. I suppose that once I get settled in, things will start to slow down for me and then I can take a minor break from it all. If all goes well, I anticipate this might happen sometime early next year. This is an honest forecast, and maybe because the new year always brings relief from the pressure of the Shopping season.

My move will likely happen within the next week and I can't remember the last time I ever looked forward to moving. This time is no exception, of course. Here's the last complaint you'll hear from me (until I move again); 'Moving sucks.'

2008-11-26T23:08:00.000-08:00

Questioning the LJBF issue

So it's been less than a week since I broke things off with Pebbles and it she's already moved onto the next guy. This is something that shouldn't bug me, but i'd be big, fat dirty liar if I said otherwise. On Myspace, she blatantly has changed her status to 'In a relationship' and leaves her new man 'I love you' caliber messages on his comment page as a daily occurrance. Seriously?!!?

Sure you're right for criticising me for even having a myspace page still, but that's not really the point i'm driving at here. I can't believe just how close I was to having Pebbles say the 'L' word to me that early in our relationship. If she had, I think I would've known by then that she wasn't the woman for me.

And exactly when do I think is a good time to say the 'L' word? Shit, I dunno...I've always felt weird about when I should say it, especially if I've just met the woman. Is a month of constant exposure long enough to say it? Probably not. 2 months then? I guess it would depend on how strong the bond is between me and the other person.

Presently, I love (including my Mother, Sisters, and my daughter) only a few women. I have at least 3 female friends that I consider to be worthy of bearing my children, but fortunately (for them), they're all emotionally unavailable. I truly feel love in my heart for them because I both admire and adore them. They got under my skin without asking for it and nothing they can do will ever change that. Even if my friendship means I never get to sample what their bodily fluids taste like, I'm content with our respective relationships.

What these 3 have in common is that they were all very honest about what they wanted with me. I wont say I wasn't a little hurt that they didn't want to exchange bodily fluids, but hey, at least I get to really see what they're like on the inside.

Another female friend of mine shared some wisdom with me recently, and I really like how it sounded. She explained that she believes that everyone has more than one person that can be their 'perfect match'. Leaving your heart open to love more people is a hard thing to do, but the rewards are worth it when you take the risk.

I guess what I'm driving at is that I do think love can develop pretty early in a relationship, but how to differentiate that from infatuation is the trick. I believe I was infatuated with Pebbles, but it wasn't enough for me to overlook our obvious differences.

In the end, looking back, and seeing how things are at present, I'm still glad I broke things off before they got too complicated. I have taken this experience and have further narrowed down my idea of the perfect woman. It's still a win, people, even if I don't get free sex anymore.

2008-11-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

Saturday Night

That evening, I went to Oakland to spend some time with a close friend. We met up with her in the evening at a Sushi Bar that also happened to have a 'bottomless' glass of Sake (I still get weak in the knees thinking about it..) policy. Not only was the food awesome, but I fell in love with at least two women at the table while finishing my 1 glass of Sake. It's true I only drank 1, but I should also mention that there was a waiter entirely dedicated to keep everyone's glass full of Sake. He's a bastard.

By the time we finished the Sake, I was well beyond the point of knowing my whereabouts much less the direction I was corralled. We eventually made it to a bar that was somehow familiar to me (I discovered the next day that I had been there before) and I ordered only one more drink. This was that 'threshhold drink' I refer to previously that just sends you beyond the range of remembering the whole evening clearly. I remember pockets of the evening where I was talking to actual females and discussing a whole plethoric amount of topics, then the bar suddenly closed and I had no clue where my friends had gone. Surely we've all had nights like this?

For the next 3 hours, I wandered the streets trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get home without my ATM card (which I discovered later had been left at the Bar I was at earlier) or cash. Eventually, I found my way to my friend's place without injury other than my pride. I slept soundly knowing it could've turned out much worse if I had stayed on the street longer.

Sunday Morning/Afternoon/Evening

When I woke up at my friend's house, I silently breathed a sigh of relief to my fortune (of surviving the evening unscathed) and repeatedly expressed my appreciation for the un-announced request for refuge. He's cool like that (I call him Trey Cool because he is that cool), and even loaned me $20 to grab breakfast while I waited for the Bar to open (so I could get my ATM card back).

I signed my name on the reservation list with a '1' next to my name (to define how many were eating at the table) and waited outside patiently for them to call me. In that time, I was asked by a young woman if my name was 'Norman'. She was checking to see if I was the name they called, but I used this opportunity to strike up a conversation. Off the subject slightly, I read some random advice recently and decided to comply with it (It suggested I should 'take a chance to strike up a conversation with a random person'). The result was a very brief, interesting conversation with a comely stranger. After about 20 minutes, we noticed more and more people being brought into the cafe without such as word from the person maintaining the list. Eventually, we confronted the host and asked him where we were on the order of things. Dipshit apologized for not calling either of our names and said there were two tables available. I'm glad we said something otherwise we would've had to entertain eachother unnecessarily.

On impulse, I asked her to join me for lunch since we had just spent a great deal of time chatting. She accepted without much of a struggle (I'm totally charming like that) and we proceeded to continue our conversation, face to face.

We talked about everything from seasonal Holidays (Xmas, Thanksgiving, and other lesser mentionable religeous Holidays) to our reasoning for where we chose to call 'home'. Needless to say, I enjoyed her company and presumably, she did as well.

She had what I thought might be an engagement ring on her left 'ring' finger, but never, once, mentioned that she was unavailable. Usually, women will let you know if they're available or not, right? I've met uninterested women in the past and they quickly let you know they're 'taken'. I got the feeling that it might just be some way to keep unwanted attention to her, but admittedly, I was too chickenshit to ask for her number when it came time to say 'goodbye'.

I figured it was enough to ask her to have lunch with me and the thought of having a 'no' in my seemingly perfect afternoon would've sullied it in some way. And now I'm thinking I should've asked for it. What did I have to lose?

Before we departed, I told her I would see her again on 'Missed Connections' and thanked her for her company. Here's what I wrote the next evening with the hope of hearing from her again. I don't expect her to contact me, but it would be nice to see her beautiful blue eyes again.

2008-11-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Seriously though

I was pleasantly surprised by an envelope I received today. It was soooo completely unexpected, but oh-my-did-I-need-this! From out of nowhere, my state tax return shows up. WTF? Not that I'm complaining because holy shit, I can't believe the timing.

Sofa king awesome.

That..is..all.

2008-11-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

I only have 6 minutes...

to finish this post because I am rocking out to a song on my headphones. I feel that if I stop now, I'll lose momentum and the inspiration will be gone then this post will suck. Please, let's not allow this post to suck because I have much to say and only 5 minutes left to splain. So, sit back, get comfortable, and indulge in my wordsmithing whilst I rhythmically bob my head to this song. Nevermind the song or the flakes of awesome coming from my skull, just read. Autographs will be signed after this jam.

Damn, too much embellishment killed the post. Time's up.

2008-11-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

Press 'Start' to begin

Tomorrow, I will be punching the proverbial clock as I start my new job. This last week has been agonizing as I wait to join the ranks and become employee number 49. Yes, you're reading this correctly, I'll be employee number 49.

I anticipate the next few months to be challenging like all new jobs. It's been several years since I was the 'new guy', but I'm so ready to do this, I will embrace every hurdle like it's a long lost favorite relative. It will have been almost an entire year since I was in a support related role, but this isn't all that daunting.

Am I eager to get things rolling? You bet your sweet ass I am. Bring it hither!

2008-11-17T01:48:00.000-08:00

My Least Favorite Acronym: LJBF

I've always said that one of the worst phrases to hear as a guy is 'Let's just be friends'. Let's not, shall we? Hehe, not so much the case now that i've had a chance to use it myself.

I finally broke down this weekend and told Pebbles the truth. It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but shortly thereafter, she was reinforcing my decision with her own conclusions. Neither one of us were really willing to change, nor were we asking the other to do so. Change happens from your own choice and shouldn't be influenced by others unless you're doing it for yourself (in the end~no pun intended). It was a relief to have it all out in the open like that and that alone was worth the cost of possibly hurting her. Fortunately, like two mature adults, we recognized that there shouldn't be so many obstacles to go through this early in the courting process and agreed to try to be friends.

Unless she decides to stop living the Christian lifestyle, I don't think we'll ever go beyond the friend-zone, which is okay by me. I have room in my heart for another friend, even if we don't agree on religion, or music, or settling in the same geographic areas, or general hobbies, or .

The end.

2008-11-15T08:05:00.000-08:00

Keeping it publicly private

I recently did a search for 'Tobiwan' on Google and was surprised how difficult it was to find this blog. It feels good knowing that finding my blog requires knowing more about me than just my name. Eventually, I did stumble upon it, but it was several pages into my search. Does anyone even stick around for that long? Not me and I consider myself a pretty patient person.

After much consideration, I don't think I'll share this information with Pebbles. It wouldn't matter if I did give her the link at this point, especially with how I'm feeling about continuing this attempt-at-having-a-relationship. If she did happen to read any of this, I think some of my comments would hurt her feelings. Yes, here I go worrying about others, but I can't help but feel empathetic towards her. Rejection, as many of you know, never sits well in my conscience.

Having to tell her will be painful and I'm not sure she'll even want to be friends with me afterwards. That will be the most I could hope for at this point; her friendship, I mean. This feels like a selfish decision, but when another person's feelings are involved, I can see it as equally selfless.

Oh well, *sigh*...time to suck it up.

2008-11-14T00:52:00.000-08:00

Wish I could say...

that things were going better with Pebbles, but that'd be a lie. We've already had some hurdles get in our way and I'll admit neither one of us has handled it with very much agility. It seems that our conversations are getting less and less full of substance like they were initially. Lately, I feel like when we're on the phone that I can't wait to end our conversations.

This evening, for example: We're on the phone and she's on her computer at the same time. Our conversation consisted of several instances of prolonged silence. I'm not a huge fan of the phone, nor am I an advocate of prolonged silences, so I trying to find things to talk about. Big mistake because I just start picking topics at random. Why talk on the phone if you're not going to say shit? And texting? Someone please shoot me.

I feel like I'm trying to swim against the current sometimes. Especially with the floundering conversation. Should it require this much work? I can't seem to remember it being this hard to like someone.

I get the impression that she's trying to push me away, but I'm not entirely sure why this is. She's admitted that her father pointed this out to her; that she is behaving as if she's trying to push me away. And the comments she makes to me about how little we have in common are sure signs that she's 'helping' me make this decision. If that's the case, then why do I feel guilty about being in silent agreement with her?

The fact remains that it's starting to make sense that we don't have a lot in common after all. I can't seem to like any of the music she's recommended (it all sounds the same to me). She's never smoked pot and makes contemptuous remarks about it whenever the subject comes up. She doesn't eat any seafood at all; how can you not like seafood?? There's a lot more that I could say, but it's all adding up to the same conclusion; compatability or lack thereof.

The hardest factor to ignore is that she's a new Christian and there's still the possibility she can choose that over me. I honestly believe that I'm no match for religion when it comes to relationships. To go much farther in this relationship and then finally be rejected because of her faith would seriously piss me off.

I feel that I should just get this over with and end things before it gets any more serious. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? I thought I was ready for a girlfriend, but now that I have one, why do I want to give her back? I know what I need to do, but it doesn't make this any easier for me to tell her.

*sigh* To be continued....

2008-11-10T10:31:00.000-08:00

Damage Control

Have I already mentioned that the process of damage control is not one of my favorite activities? Well, there's a good reason for it, especially when the situation is still very new to me.

Pebbles and I talked about things after a prolonged delay on my part to call her. It was immature, yes, but I was not wanting to hear the words 'let's end this', hence my delay. She's still very hesitant to move forward in this relationship, and I guess I can't fault her for it. She has every right to be cautious about accepting me into her life. For now, we've reverted back to our long conversations and pining, but I'm still feeling the sting of our religious conversation lingering.

Side note: I gave her the name Pebbles because that was the costume she was wearing when I first started talking with her. You're right Trix, it's time I gave her a name since she holds significance in my life.

We talked about our chat conversation and how it's something she's struggling with. Her logic is that, in the Christian world, the male figure is the focal point of a family. For lack of a better description, she worded it like they expect the male to be the one to lead by example. To further reinforce her point, it's not acceptable to date or marry to non-Christians. I can't say I completely agree with this and I also wont hide the fact that I am opposed to this way of thinking.

I can't ask her to choose between us (Me vs God), but I can see this as a potential roadblock to moving things forward. I know this is something she struggles with and I will support her choice regardless. Even if this means I'm not the one she chooses. I'm as prepared as I can be for such a choice, but it wont be any less painful. At this point, I'm hopeful and optimistic.

To Share or Not to Share

The subject of my Blog came up recently and Pebbles jokingly asked when I was going to give her the link. I winced when she said it and I answered honestly with a reluctant 'not right now'. She told me that she's very curious to know what I write about, but on the other hand, is afraid that something might show up as a 'deal breaker'.

Here's where I tell you that I'm now scared to share this with her as I know she may not appreciate my recent comments about religion. Here's also where I ask my readers for some advice since your viewpoints are important to me.

How would you approach this particular subject? Is it wise to expose this side of me to her this early in our relations?

I believe that, if I do decide to share this with her, I may not have to edit very much of this blog because only the last few weeks pertains to her. But what about the prospect of censoring myself? That's one of the down-sides to sharing this with her, and one that is weighing heavily upon my decision.

I'm thinking now I shouldn't have mentioned it, but blogging is as much apart of my life as anything. How could I not have shared that I'm a blogger?

*sigh* Rough times ahead people, but they're what we live for, right?

We'll see how things progress, shall we?

2008-11-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

Maybe I didn't say this loud enough

but, I don't talk about the subject of religion for a very good reason; I simply don't think anything of it at all anymore. I call this 'indifference' to those that ask me about it, however, I do feel very strongly about my beliefs. So strong, in fact, that I don't want to discuss them with anyone but those I know would agree with me. For those that I know would not agree with me, I don't think they are capable of understanding my viewpoint, nor is it worth it getting into a discussion with them because of it. It's insulting, I'm aware of that...now you know why I don't talk about religion. Hah, maybe this says something about me, but at this point in my life, I don't give a shit what others think.

I'm indifferent to others' opinions of it, I guess. Does that make sense? I no longer care what other people believe which is why I don't share my viewpoints on it. This brings me to the reason I bring up this particular taboo subject; my prospective female interest brought up the subject of religion with me over chat (yes Trixie, I can't seem to get away from using this particular form of communications as much as I loathe it). Big mistake!

I'm not going to blame the alcohol I was drinking last night, nor will I say she caught me at a bad time because anytime is a bad time for me to discuss my political and religious viewpoints. I dunno if I 'won' the argument or not, but I still feel like it was a loss in general. Girl interest brought up the prospect of taking hypothetical children to church whereas I told her I wouldn't encourage or discourage it. I think it's pretty simple a concept, but she didn't seem to accept it as easily as I saw things. At the time, there were many occasions I was glad she couldn't see my eyes rolling at her.

Moving on, we didn't exactly end the evening feeling all warm and fuzzy. Things ended with her saying that there was nothing more to say and me wishing her a good night, then logging-the-fuck out of the chat client as quickly as possible. I doubt very seriously that this girl wants to continue with her relations with me, but I'm hoping she will see that I don't think any less of her for going to church, nor will I tell my children they can't believe in what they believe. Frankly, if she rejects me because of this, I'll be a little sad and that's about it.

Her point was that having a family that was divided was not something she wanted. Sorry babe...I am just not that concerned about it. When it comes to this particular subject, I'm an un-moveable object. Some would call it being 'close-minded' and they may be right about that, but it doesn't change my mind about it. On the same subject, I wont deny her the enjoyment of going, but I sure as hell do not plan on attending services of any kind in the near or far future.

Years ago, I rejected religion in my life because it was excess baggage that I just didn't want or have need for. Since that time, I tend to keep my mouth shut about it because it's not worthy of my time to discuss, especially with those that will never understand it. I'm repeating myself now, so I'll stop feeling guilty for how things turned out last night.

Dating women that were religious was once a big 'deal breaker', but nowadays, I am very accepting of others' beliefs. I'm respectful to their beliefs as I expect them to do the same for mine. Is this really that hard to comprehend?

I'm done feeling bad about this and now I'm absolutely pissy that I have to initiate damage control with current female interest because of it. Fuck, why do you females have to be so goddamn difficult? See why I was so content to be single for so long? You may be yummy to the touch and taste, but fuuuuuuck, is this really that important to get butthurt about?

Okay, rant over. We'll see how this turns out and rest assured you'll probably hear more about this. Yay me (no, not really)!

2008-11-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

The grin upon my face

says that I had a very nice evening with my new female interest last night. I was supposed to drive to her place last night, but my car still had a flat from the previous night (when I attempted to visit her over the weekend) and let's face it, I'm broke. She was nice enough to offer to come to me and stay the night with me.

Off the subject slightly, we had a spat the night before about something that was taken out of context while we were chatting (text...is it really a surprise?). We are both so paranoid about relationships that I think we both didn't know what to do about it. Fortunately for me, she had a spot of reason and called me back before I finished a sulky self-pitying blogpost about it. I have now deleted it because it was utterly moronic of me to think that a petty disagreement could make her lose interest in me. Thankfully, as I mentioned before, she had the sense to convince me I was overthinking things.

Fast forwarding to last night, she arrived at 10-ish with a slight migrane and greeted me with a hug that seemed to last minutes. I made her hot chocolate since she said she wasn't all that hungry, then we cuddled up on the couch. The TV was on, but I couldn't find anything more interesting than her, so I turned it to some random music channel (go go cable music channels!). I don't remember how long it took us to start kissing, but once we got that over with, she seemed to relax considerably; like the hard part was over. I agree that once I kissed her, I felt comfortable with her and we began to embrace like we knew eachother for years. Gotta love chemistry!

I wont share all the details with you, but I will admit that my near-3-year drought is over. We both had a wonderful time and I'm thrilled to have a lover that enjoys pleasing as much as she likes to be pleased. She left with an equally incriminating grin and it took us about 30 minutes just to get her to her car this morning.

Hopefully, I wont have to wait long to see her again.

2008-11-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

Training Sessions

As boring as this might sound, I will be involved in more training this week, specifically tomorrow. Unfortunately, I am not 'officially' starting yet, but they penciled me in to take a few Telephony related refresher sessions.

Yesterday's session was very thorough and also conducted by the company's COO (one of the two that interviewed me initially). I was very impressed with how much in-depth knowledge he had of the technology and history. This may bore you a bit, but he literally broke down the physics of how telephones work; something to provide a very solid foundation to understand. It also happens to be exactly what I need to fully support this technology and others derived from it.

While I was there yesterday, I sat down with the HR Admin and had a very nice conversation with her. Much like my current infatuation with a young woman I met recently, this job opportunity is a unique parallel to that situation. I'm equally enthusiastic about this job as my employers and I think this is going to be an excellent opportunity to prove myself.

I'm barely able to keep up with the kinds of changes that are happening now and will step up to handle the ones coming up in my immediate future. 'It's not permanent' is my current philosophy and it'll stay that way till I have my stability...which I predict should be about January.

That's all for now, thanks for stopping by!

2008-11-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

'Leaving for Work'

I've longed to say this much like I've also longed to hear a woman say 'I want you' and both have happened pretty close together.

My head's a little 'spinny' this morning. Meaning I didn't get enough sleep last night (from a late night phone call with my recent female interest) and I'm excited about today being the first Training session of my new job.

Fortunately, things will be light today. See y'all later!

2008-10-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

At long last

I received a call this afternoon from the last company I interviewed with. The woman I interviewed with tells me that they are sending me some 'homework' along with a request to describe the job as I understand it.

While we were chatting, she mentioned that the initial two I met with last week were working on an Offer Letter for me and I should anticipate that within the next 24 hours. I could hear the wheels screeching to a halt in my head when my brain processed the words 'Offer' and 'Letter'. I giggled before asking her if that means they have chosen me for the job. She smiled (over the phone) and confirmed my question by saying, 'If you accept the offer, of course!'.

I'm freaking elated right now and you bet your sweet ass I already finished my homework assignment. Wow, I know i've said this in the past, but you really don't know how much pressure you're under until it's been lifted. I can't believe my search has finally ended!!!!!

All the hard work, all the stress, all the nights where I couldn't even rub one out because I was so distracted to find a new career has finally paid off!

I'm ready to take the next step and start looking for a new place to live. What a fucking week this has been! Someone please send me beer and cigs~I need to celebrate!

2008-10-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Moment of temporary reason

I'm taking a short break from my re-entry into the modern American courting process and thought I'd write it down to try to keep things in perspective. Specifically because I feel out of control with how intense the emotions I'm feeling at this time.

It's true that I have been thinking about this woman almost non-stop since meeting her and it never feels 'right' when this happens to me. It's also true that it's been so long since I met someone I'm interested in that I almost forgot what it to expect...expect nothing.

Setting expectations early in any circumstance eventually leads to disappointment of some kind. This I know too well from previous relationships, all of which came to an end. I'm still friends with a few of them, but I'd rather not continue with this trend. It's way too early to be able to say how things will turn out, and it's exciting in that way. I can say all I want about wanting to be exceptionally careful with this girl, but I will have to let my experiences guide me down the right path.

Fortunately for me, I have met someone who is equally cautious about her relationships. She has been more active in the dating world recently, but seems to keep meeting the same kind of boys; all with commitment issues. When she met me, she was with another guy who has been leading her on for awhile now. I'm not one to take advantage of situations like this, however, I was powerfully compelled to continue our conversation at another time. More specifically, another time when she wouldn't be distracted by her 'half-date' (as she put it).

The last few days have been surreal for me. Our phone conversations are filled with interesting topics that haven't dried up in spite of their exceptional length (fortunately, I believe in girth over length). She's picked up that I'm a pervert and even enjoys fueling my filthy mind with coyly worded statements (usually double entendres), how cool is that? You guessed it, I really like this girl (and even saying it like that feels like an understatement).

I guess I haven't elaborated much on this woman, so I'll explain some of the things that attracted me to her. The thing I noticed immediately was her smile and her eyes. This was before we started talking, I was very focused on those blue eyes of her. Light colored eyes always catch my attention for some reason, maybe because she has brown hair (and they stand out better that way). Once the conversation started flowing, I caught minor hints that she was available, so I took the initiative and told her I would be asking for her phone number later that evening. Her reply was immediate and confirmed what my instincts already told me.

Have I mentioned she's an Educator? When I discovered that, that took my interest up slightly higher than before. What is it about Educators that I find attractive? They're usually very passionate about what they do and chances are, pretty intelligent too. She's both and since she primarily works with children 5 through 12, we have a lot of common ground. To further reinforce this, she's also a single Mother with a 4yr old of her own. You can guess what we talked about the first few evenings: kids, the funny things they do, past relationships, and how they've changed us as people.

Since meeting her, my attraction isn't just limited to her mental facilities. I am intensely attracted to her and I can't remember the last time my penis ached so badly. One of our late night conversations got rather steamy and for the first time in several years, I felt that buzz you get in your brain just before you're about to have sex. Fortunately we were on the phone at the time, otherwise I don't think either of us would've been able to contain ourselves. Clearly, we are both starved for physical/emotional contact and it's going to be very interesting when we do eventually meet in person again.

I'm still feeling very overwhelmed by this flood of feelings. It takes every bit of my active thoughts to contain this and still some slips through. Fortunately, we have natural boundaries which prevent us from taking this too fast. She lives far enough away where I cannot conveniently see her. Secondly, she has a very busy schedule with her work, her son, and something she does for our Soldiers in the field (she coordinates with other civilians to provide basic necessities for Soldiers stationed outside the US in the form of 'care packages'). As if she didn't have enough on her plate as it is, she does Church on Sundays and one day during the week. I see this as a good thing as we both get just enough to remain interested, but the tension builds to the point where it has to be released somehow. When it does, you can imagine how intense it's going to be.

This is the first time I've been attracted to someone who goes to church (besides my very first GF; circa 1991), but this doesn't really bother me. She's not the kind to shove it in my face and that's all that matters; just don't tell me how I should think and I'll be happy. I don't really talk with her much about religion, but I'm well beyond my Christian-hater days when I couldn't even say the word without contempt. And when we do have that conversation, I think she will accept how I feel like she does with everything else (so far).

Isn't that nice? I just got a text from her while writing this:

'Thinking of you'

How does one followup with something like that? I'll come up with something, but every time I read or hear something like that, I feel giddy knowing the feeling is mutual.

What next? I wish I knew. I'm taking my logic-self's advice in that I should take it as slowly as possible. 'Expect nothing but respect and honesty.' Lessons in the past have proven that both are crucial to building something more than just two people flirting on the phone. I want a relationship, but I have to let things take their own course without forcing it. I believe in myself that I can do this because it's what I want.

Maybe she's the one, and maybe she's another one to help me understand what I want in a woman; hopefully not the latter. I guess we'll see how things turn out, but for now I'm enjoying how this has brought me something very positive to look forward to.

2008-10-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

Brain dysfunctional

Where do I start? How about the middle, then digress to other points I want to make in no particular order of importance? Fine, that's the way I was going to do it anyway.

I'm frazzled by something almost overwhelming. I say almost because I know (in the back of my mind) that I over-think things way too often. Wow, big surprise here, huh?

So last night, I had the opportunity to talk with a young woman at a Halloween Party. Fortunately for me, I stopped drinking early that evening before I ended up making a fool of myself. Let's hear it for water and energy drinks! It was one of those conversations you didn't want to end and when things did finally come to part ways, I was left with my imagination.

Here's where you tell me to keep my imagination in check and here's also where I agree and handcuff that fucker to somewhere he can't cause trouble. Stay imagination, heel~HEEEL FUCKER!!!! *twitch*

As I was saying, things went very well and we exchanged numbers before the night ended. To complicate matters (who said life was simple, right?), she arrived with another guy; one who also happened to be drinking quite a bit that night. I wonder if he was aware how much I was smitten by the girl he brought? Apparently, they're not an item, atleast not exclusively.

I thought about her on the way home, when I went to sleep, and unfortunately, when I woke up this morning. Uhg, I have to think about something else before I make myself (more) crazy with anticipation.

This probably wont help my mood, but I had planned on calling her today. There's nothing you can do to stop me~I've already informed her I would be calling her. As much as the voice of reason says that 'it sounds desperate', I told him to go fuck himself. The talk we had gave me the impression she's not the kind of girl to be offended with someone being interested in her.

Anyway, my brain is on overdrive with what the next few days brings. In addition to meeting someone new, I have a followup interview with the company I met with on Friday. That's good news considering they told me they get in touch with me later next week sometime. I was pleasantly surprised that they called me before 5pm on Friday to ask me to come meet with the HR person (on Monday).

I would elaborate on how well I thought the interview went, but I am feeling very cautious about how much I discuss things I hope for. I guess you could say I'm slightly superstitious about job prospects and discussing them. Sure my logic side has already informed me that it's pointless to think this will work in my favor, but he's a fucking know-it-all.

That's all for now, I think I need to do something away from the computer today. Time to finish that book I've been grazing through for the last week (without much progress). Thanks for stopping by!

2008-10-22T15:09:00.001-07:00

You're not allowed...

- to say 'No' to me anymore, even if you think I'm not the right person for the job.
- to tell me I'm an idiot for quitting my last job. I've already taken care of that pretty well thank-you-very-fucking-much.
- to kiss or make out in front of me. Fuck you.
- to make racist remarks in front of my kids.
- to drive your fucking expensive car in front of me...ever.
- to spit while you speak.
- to invite me to your barbque then ask me to cook for you, but that's very flattering, thank you.
- to expect me to know what you're thinking.
- to keep saying you'll call me back when you don't actually follow through with it (that's not directed at you, Sam <3).
- to ignore my messages, especially when they request some form of response.
- to lead me on then tell me 'Let's just be friends'.
- to say 'Let's just be friends'...ever.
- to tell me you love giving oral sex, then refuse to do so when the time comes.
- to misuse the word 'irony' or 'ironic'.
- to use they're, their, and there incorrectly or I will stab you.
- to smile at me then ignore me when I try to speak with you.
- to criticize me for choosing not to vote.
- to nag me as long as you're not my wife.
- to tell me I should come with you to church...even if you're cute.
- to abduct me and perform experiments on me unless you promise to take me with you.
- to come into my house if you're going to sell me an issue of the Watchtower, but your friend can.
- to send me chain letters unless they contain female nudity.
- to give me the impression you want to hire me, then tell me you picked someone else. Fuck you too.
- to shower me with attention then blow me off.
- to have a boyfriend if I find you interesting upon our first meeting.
- to shave your eyebrows and then pencil them in afterwards.
- to wear Pinstripe pants unless you're okay with me staring at your lower torso.
- to drive with one foot on your brakes and the other on the accellerator.
- to text and drive simultaneously.
- to cook such delicious food and not offer me any.
- to come to the Bay Area without letting me know.

So yeah, stop it, or this kitten gets it!

2008-10-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

The Past and it's place in the Present

Today consisted of me browsing through a myspace-esque-only-cooler-website looking for some people from my past. I started doing it on a whim and it's stirred up all kinds of memories; some good, some bad.

Like the girl who seduced me by dropping her towel (including the obligatory 'oops') to the floor when she called me into the bathroom. I still have very vivid erotic dreams about that moment in my life. It was the first and only time I was ever a part of the act of cheating. Given a choice, I would do it over again just for the feelings of pure, raw desire I felt for her.

To shed some light on how this transpired, I feel it's necessary to explain how we became so intensely involved. She had a boyfriend who was a friend of mine at the time. I was house-sitting for a friend of the family and for some reason, he asked if she could stay at said house until he finished with work. Prior to this day, I had only met her a few times, but as a friend's girlfriend, she was just that. Honestly, looking back, I think she only was interested in me because I expressed absolutely zero interest in her. That was apparent because when I began giving her my undivided attention, she was clearly no longer interested.

Moving on, I agreed to have her hang around and drink beer/swim at the house until my friend returned. I didn't really have much intention of fooling around with her, but girls can be pursuasive sometimes.

I'll digress further to tell you just how absolutely beautiful this creature was. Imagine jet black hair, olive skin, gorgeous blue eyes, and a smile that would make a eunich fertile. I also remember her having perfect eyebrows (what can I say, I'm an eyebrow guy). The image in my mind of her is one where she is staring at me with that 'I can't wait to get you alone' smile on her face. *sigh* Good memories indeed. The only bad thing that happened was her boyfriend caught us in a compromising position and then later firmly advised me to stay the hell away from her. I didn't have the heart to tell him about her other boyfriends she had behind his back.

Her memory is one that I still think about to this day. It's a shame I lost touch with her, but I think it would've spoiled the pristine memory I have of her. 'Always leave them wanting more...' has never been more truthful in her case.

That gives me at least some semblance of why I think about her and other instances like it; I'm recalling times when I felt most desired. To be accepted is something we all want, but when we have it, is it really what we want? If I think about it this much, then I'd have to say 'yes, that's what I want, ultimately'.

I can't argue with that kind of logic or emotion, or whatever the hell it is.

Other memories that were dredged up revolve around getting some form of closure from people in my past. In particular, a girl I chased for a few years before I finally got the hint she wasn't interested. Another one of those people who only seem to be interested in you when you're not. Rightly so, she doesn't deserve the amount of thought I've put into this, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thought about her a lot.

I feel like I overwelmed her with my attention. I wanted to be around her all the time. She was charismatic, smart, and beautiful~who wouldn't want to be around that? We had good times, but I think I wanted more of her attention than she was willing to give. Eventually, she stopped returning my phone calls and I spent more time talking to her answering machine than her. When I did finally get the hint, I gave up the chase and walked away to piece together my remaining respitory system. It was hard to get over that~to be rejected without a clear reason. Sometimes you just can't get it, and maybe that's why it's been so hard to forget her? I think I'm getting somewhere!

And this brings me to leaving things in the past. There are lessons to be learned from these experiences and I think I took things too personally to see the wisdom at the time. I have to be able to let things like this go in order to move forward. No, I need to just let things go, especially things that hold no consequence in my life.

Funny, I do feel a little better now that I got that off my chest.

That's all I have for now, thanks for stopping by.

2008-10-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

No tears yet

But I think the time will come when I need to shed my grief like a cocoon and start with a fresh coat of skin. I also think it's necessary to do so every once in a while. My skin is fairly tough (at least I think so), but it can only deflect so many things before holes start developing and then I have start anew.

Crying aside, now's not really the time to waste time getting upset about things that wont get solved without action. Speaking of action, today, I had a secondary interview with a company that is looking to hire before the end of the month.

I think it went pretty well, but I don't want to get my hopes up about it. In the past, I've felt really good about other interviews and they ended up going with other people. Best to not get attached to something I may not have, right? Seems safe at this point to think that I am one of the people they are genuinely considering to do this job, but nothing beyond that.

When I asked the interviewer if he thought I was qualified to do the job, he told me that he felt I was overqualified. I was on the other end of the scale; thinking that I was under-qualified to do the job and I voiced my reasoning to him. He seemed to take what I said under consideration, so hopefully he now believes I am an ideal fit for the job.

Who knows if this will make a difference or not, but I felt it necessary to know where I stood in his perspective. Although I have a solid foundation of understanding to their job tasks, I have almost zero exposure to another important aspect of their job; Operating systems and Servers. For those of you that don't know what this means, it's best to describe it like this...An example of an Operating system (or O.S. to us nerds) is Windows or Mac. They're both different, but they provide the same function. A user interface that allows you to perform your desired tasks. In a nutshell, my experience is very limited with these and if anything, I'm only an intermediate user at best. Anyway, before I start digressing further, I think you get my point.

So I will wait for their word, whether good or bad and keep my fingers crossed for this one.

Even if it's a no, in the last few days, I've been contacted by 3 other companies regarding employment. It made me feel really good to know that I'm finally getting through to people. I already have an interview lined up for this coming Thursday and another one next week. I'm not one to offer premonitions, but I feel that I will have a job before the end of the month. I'd rather have one before that, partly because I'd like to pay my rent on time, but beggars can't be choosers.

That's all for now, thanks for stopping in!

2008-10-13T00:32:00.000-07:00

You never know

how lonely you really are until an old friend calls you after you unintentionally leave a clue about it on their blog. And just when they tell you that it's okay to cry on the phone, you stop yourself because you don't want to burden them with your problems. After all, I'm a big boy now (or I keep hearing myself say so) and I should be okay to handle the trivial things life throws at us modern aged Humans. Crying is useless.

Right?

I'm ready to cry right now. I'm ready to go somewhere quiet and cry my soul out for all I'm worth. Sure it wont solve anything and sure as hell wont make me the poster boy for the Tom Leykis version of what a man should be. This is what I need more than anything else right now. Other than good friends who are willing to let you cry on their shoulder.

My time lately has been spent soul-searching about what the hell I'm going to do in the next few months. I realized that I am lazy. I'm not willing to put forth effort to change my ways for some unknown goddamn reason. My love life, my career, my progression in life (or lack thereof) are all things that are being effected by this and I just sit watching them float by.

It's been more than 2 years since the last time I had sex and I think I forgot how to flirt with women. I'm sure it would come back to me, but all I can do is come up with excuses why I don't even talk to women. I'm afraid they'll find out that I don't have any hobbies other than playing a stupid fucking computer game, masturbating, and reading books. Oh yeah, I feel sorry for myself a lot too, does that count?

At a job interview, they asked me what my hobbies were and I had to make shit up. I guess maybe I should have more 'hobbies' prepared for my next interview so I sound like I have ambition. Job interviews are one thing, but what about when I'm talking to a woman? I don't want to lie about these things...it's not even an option! But what about the truth?

Really though, job interviews are so much like dating that it makes an acceptable metaphor, and you know how much I love metaphors! It's not unusual that both of these subjects seem to be coming up quite a bit; Love and Career.

Unfortunately, a career is something that I can use to have a more acceptable means of living, but I'm one of those thick-skulled idiots that has to like what he's doing in order to do it for a living. Why can't I be satisfied with a pointless career? Because I like to do things the hard way!

Off the subject, I thought about what life is going to be like for me in the next few months. For one thing, I will have to figure out what to do with my time. I wont have internets or cable; two very prominent forms of how I pass the time. There was a time when I initially moved up to Northern Cal where I had no cable or a computer and my only output/input was reading/writing. It's kinda blurry for me on my memory, but I read an aweful lot during those times. I can't even remember if it was productive. I do remember my point in bringing this up though.

I think I mentioned earlier that I'm lonely as of late. Well, that's an understatement. I've been craving some kind of contact for a while now. Although I have roommates around, it doesn't seem to help me much. It's certainly a bad combination to crave communication, but withdrawl once you realize you want to unload all of your pain to anyone that will listen. I find myself having difficulty letting it out even when I desperately need to release. It's stupid pride. And why's it stupid? Because it's contradictory to logic. Period.

I believe that now is that time I need to just walk away from the keyboard and find my quiet spot.

Lastly, I wanted to say thanks to my friend. I really needed it and you came through for me. You're so stuck with me now.

2008-10-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

Living in the rainy state of Shock

Here's where I bang out cliche' after cliche' explaining my ever interesting life. Or maybe just one cliche' and a bunch of bad news to boot. I think it's all some cosmic joke that is also a lesson I must learn in order to prove that I can survive modern times.

So, as you know, I have been unemployed since July of this year. Every step of the way has been excruciating and humbling, but I still have nothing to show for it but a dwindling savings. Coincidently, my car is also undriveable (unless I want the police to take it away from me) and oh yeah, here's the cliche I was talking about; 'When it rains, it pours.'

Isn't that the fucking truth? The only good thing about being at your lowest is that there's nowhere to go but up. I guess I was wrong...it can get worse and it did.

So here it is; a few days ago, the manager of the home I live in pulls me aside and tells me that his brother will be moving into my room and I need to vacate the room by December. Hellllo 60 day notice. It's been a few days now and I'm just stunned. How could things get worse? I don't even want to know.

In spite of all this, I have kept my head up only because I have no other choice about it. I either lose my shit entirely and my whole family suffers, or I move on and see where this next chapter takes me. Gee, what a great set of options I have before me. To say i'm being cynical about this would be an understatement, wouldn't it?

That's all I have to say right now.

2008-09-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Win, Loser, Draw

Well, after I was informed that I didn't get the job, and I'm wondering where things went wrong. The recruiter's only feedback to me was that they chose a more qualified candidate~thanks for that (I think). I'm very disappointed that I didn't win this job.

Unfortunately, I don't even have time to sulk over it because finding a job is becoming a very urgent thing~like I-need-a-job-so-I-can-pay-rent-next-month urgent.

This was initially going to be a post about my own self-pity and how lonely I've been lately, and the fact that I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. Y'know, the usual pity party.

Enough about that though. I'm back on the horse again and even though my ass is very sore, I don't have any choice about whining about it. I'm doing plenty of that internally. It's everything I can do to stop myself from spending my remaining money on a bottle of booze or a bag of weed to hide in. I suppose it's a good thing I'm broke, otherwise I'd be inebriated from dusk till dawn.

Maybe I should think about doing something about that? Geez, who the fuck has time? I need to find a job first!

The end.

2008-09-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

'It's outta here!'

The interview with the actual client took place today and I actually believe this went as good as it possibly could have under the circumstances. I feel a bit skeptical of my recruiter and if she really has faith that I can make an impression, but I guess in her line of work, first impressions are everything. Here I go again looking at the problem from someone else's perspective, but I just can't help but think this way.

I didn't get their decision as of yet, but I think I've got it this time. My historical background deals with many components the job entails and my attitude in the interview was enthusiastic and most importantly; genuine. It's really hard to fake enthusiasm, but within the first 15 minutes, I felt myself relaxing and knowing that all the indicators are pointing to 'yes' in this case. Yes, I know it's not theraputic to hold onto such expectations, but if I can't hope for something, what will it be worth to me if it ever happens? Exactly!

Some points I forgot to mention previously:

The job is within my own city; fuck ever having to commute again until I find something else.
They didn't balk when I gave them my salary range.
They're what I consider to be a 'Recession-proof' company.
They offer health benefits!
The IT director asked me questions I think are important for finding the right match for the job (IE. 'How would you handle situation A if B and C were involved?).
The company also is customer of the company I used to work for, so the IT Director knows many of the same people!
I can take the bus to work every day! Awesome!

I'm sure there's some points I'm missing, but I'm a little overwhelmed with anticipation at the moment. I anticipate to hear from them by next week, at which point I'll go in for a 2nd interview. My recruiter tells me that if I make it to the 2nd, there's a very high probability that they will hire me full-time!

That's pretty much all for now, I can't wait to hear from them!

2008-09-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

Good news!

I got my 2nd interview after having some former coworkers spoke with the recruiter. Tomorrow, I will meet with a well-known retail company to work in their helpdesk!

Needless to say, I'm stoked well beyond explanation!

The recruiter explained that she was concerned with my tendency to over-explain things which apparently is a bad thing for this company. Atleast she is aware of my weak points and emphasized that I should answer directly to their questions. Her logic here is that I have been out of the job for a few months now and don't want to appear too 'desperate' to them.

Is this a fucking weird parallel to my dating life? Gawd, if there ever was a parallel, this one is the case!

My former coworkers gave her the good word about my work ethics and I think it was enough for her to take a chance on me! Suddenly that song by Abba is playing in my head and don't tell anyone that I even remotely like the song; Take a chance on me. I will fucking deny it although I secretly love it because it reminds me of my mother singing to me when I was young.

Anyway, I'm fucking elated!!!!

Fingers, toes and eyes crossed for me please and thank you!

2008-09-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

Interview with a 2nd chance

For now, I'll just refer to this as '2nd chance' because I would've never gotten my foot in the door unless I persisted. It's one of those rare things I picked up from working in Sales (how about that, I learned something from Sales!) that I can see working in many other aspects of life.

So my interview went pretty well, I think, but as expected, the client was looking for someone with more OS related experience. Well fuck me, I guess i'll have to add that to the list of things I need to learn for 'next time'. The good news is that I charmed my way into getting some pointers on how to make a more presentable resume. Free advice is nice, especially when you know the person on the other end isn't pulling their punches.

I just got done sending her my most genuine 'thank you for taking a chance on me' email which is another tactic I picked up from Sales. Sadly, looking for work is a lot like the selling world. The motivation is significantly different, but the tactics and techniques are all the same.

Wish me luck peoples!

2008-09-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Gripes, Groans, and Gratuity

I have had the writing bug for the last few days and finally made the effort to put my thoughts out into the world. Be forewarned, this post has lots of ramble and idle after thoughts. Maybe i'll even come up with something I didn't think about before.

First of all, I am now in my 2nd month of unemployment and I never thought it would be so difficult to find something I am qualified to do. This has been a most humbling experience for me and there are a number of lessons I have learned in the process; most importantly, never, under any circumstances, quit your job unless you've got something absolutely lined up afterwards.

It seems a simple concept, and yet, in my delusions of grandeur, I failed to take the advice many had given me prior to my departure. At the time of me leaving my last job, I thought that I had enough skills to make my unemployment something of a mini vacation. Again, I was wrong, my conscience was right...now it's time for me to move on.

With my unemployment benefits being refused to me (based on my reasons for leaving my last job), I am now at a point where I am so determined to get my ass back into a job that I have now become a relentless job scouring bastard. Just in the last two days, I have literally hounded every recruiter I've corresponded with in the last 2 months.

My persistence somewhat payed off as I now have an interview tomorrow in San Francisco with a recruiter (for a full time position). I sent her 3 emails within the last 10 days and the last one was worded a little more curtly than it probably should've been. When I wrote it, I was at my proverbial wits end about people not bothering to respond to emails. If she had responded to the first one, regardless of what she said, I would've been satisfied and moved on to the next organization. Fortunately, what I had said caught her attention enough to give me a chance, and although she was very curt with me on the phone, I think I have a genuine chance at this position.

The job market out here isn't too bad, the problem i'm facing here is that my expertise has such a narrow focus in technology. What I need to figure out is how to become more appealing to recruiters and employers. I've started to adapt a little more to the market and decided to start adding skills that I believe I can successfully prove that I know enough about them to actually do them for a living. Some would call this 'creative' fibbing, but this is my damn blog and I'll call it whatever-the-hell I wish to suit my needs.

Which brings me to my general question: Is it dishonest or wrong to include things on your resume that you have not actually done in a job setting?

I believe it's not if you can actually perform these tasks. For example, a HUUUUGE demand in the market nowadays is to have Linux experience. Although I have only interfaced on Linux OS servers, I have only once actually built and maintained my own server at home. This was several years ago and I am very tempted to undergo another deluge of building another home server just so I can say I've done it.

Censor much?

Recently, CMT (Country Music Television) aired an edited version of Blazing Saddles. I was very excited to see this on television and had hoped that they wouldn't slash it to bits. Unfortunately, I was wrong to think that any mainstream TV network would have the balls to air a movie of this kind unless they sissify it. This was a very disappointing thing to see, but it was overshadowed by the fact that there was a commercial break literally every 12 minutes.

C'mon people! I totally understand you not wanting to offend all those sensitive people ~~I would never want to associate with~~, but do you have to show more commercials than the entire movie length? I think that's what pissed me off the most and eventually, I had to just find something else to watch. My recommendation to you ~~fucking pansies~~is to not air movies that your ~~pussy~~viewers aren't mentally capable of enjoying.

Why air a movie that you have to edit out every racial slur in order to satiate the PC gods? If you're going to edit out the words 'nigger' and 'faggot', why not edit out 'Jew' or 'ass'? Where do you people get your standards? Is there a list somewhere out there of all the things you can't say on your channel? Please...enlighten me, for I am apparently in the dark.

It's just wrong...and you have desecrated a truly great movie with your profane ignorance. Fuck you CMT, with a gigantic double-headed dildo! I have now officially blocked your channel in my cable box.

2008-09-05T15:36:00.001-07:00

Indecisive

This is a continuation of the previous post of 'Where has Toby gone?'.

So apparently, my prospective employer has chosen another ~~victum~~candidate for the position. I'm not really all that upset about it since I've only lost the job now twice. When I asked them if money was an issue, the woman I spoke with could not tell me for some reason. I guess this means I asked for too much? Shit, it's not like I asked for 20% increase in wages (it was around 7%).

Right...back to what I was doing before; listening to music and searching for employment.

2008-09-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

Where has Toby gone?

Some say he lost his mind several weeks ago when the job he applied for never gave him the courtesy of calling him back. And nevermind the fact that they gave the job to a girl instead! Others boast that he's hanging on their wall after a hunting him down for his autograph, but who listens to people on drugs?

There was this one time when I called him and this was how our conversation went:

Me: Hi Toby, it's your logical self calling again...how's things?

Toby: Hm, I don't remember giving you my number; who gave you this number?

Me: Aww, you don't remember, do you? You were really drunk that night and I think I remember you calling me. You always drunk dial me when you feel out of control.

Toby: Just shut your face! Why do you always call me when i'm hung-over?

Me: Well, with your record lately, calling you when you're hung-over is almost a sure thing.

Toby: Didn't I just tell you to shut your fucking face? Why are you even calling me? You said you didn't like to talk to me when I get all emotional and self-depreciating.

Me: Hah, you're so grouchy in the morning!

Toby: I hate you.

Me: You can't get rid of me, no matter how much weed you smoke or booze you drink. Get over it.

Toby: Fine, why the hell do you have to be right all the time? Doesn't it get old?

Me: Because I'm the force that keeps you from unraveling yourself into the point of no return, and no, it never gets old!

Toby: Fucking prick.

Me: You're just angry because you know I'm right all the time.

Toby: You never told me why you called other than to remind me that I'm wrong (again).

Me: Oh! Yeah, I wanted to let you know that some woman called~

Toby: Awesome, that's how you should always start our conversations~

Me: Anyway...she called from the last place you interviewed with and she asked if you still want the job.

Toby: (silence)

Me: ...well?

Toby: I'm trying to think of something witty to say, but that's your department. All I can do is swear and make sophomoric insults.

Me: How about, 'I'd love a good job as much as I'd love a good blow job.'..?

Toby: May I use that later?

Me: Knock yourself out.

Toby: That's pretty accurate, a good blow job would be nice.

Me: Head back in the game please...

Toby: Head??...Right! I'm in coach. Now what did you tell her?

Me: I told her you want the job.

Toby: But what about the stuff we talked about? I mean shit, there's not going to be any training for this job! Hell, I'm desperate enough to take it!

Me: Didn't you say you were happy about not getting it?

Toby: Well, yeah, but that was last week! And that was when I knew I wasn't going to get the job.

Me: That doesn't make sense, but whatever, you're going for it! That's good to hear!

Toby: Hehe, thanks! It feels like I'm driving into a blanket of fog, but hey, I don't think they drug test.

Me: Does that mean you're going to make me smoke again?

Toby: You can't hear it right now, but i'm rolling my eyes at you. Don't worry, you can just fake it like you did when I was married.

Me: *snicker* Ouch!

Toby: Well, I guess I'll give this woman a call and see if they really are going to pay me what I asked for (initially).

Me: Be nice!

Toby: Hey! It's me.

Me: Uh-huh, you want me to uh, join you on the call?

Toby: It wouldn't be right to exclude you! Thanks logical self, we really ought to give you a name by now.

Me: That'd be nice, maybe we can do that after you go get that job for us. And then you can not be such a pussy about talking to women.

Toby: Wait, what the fuck does that have to do with getting a job?

Just then, I hung up on him. When he called back, he was livid and then told me to go fuck something very coarse. He was not at all happy when I told him that at least one of us would be getting laid whereas he promptly hung up on me. Haha, I win again.

Anyway, he's still alive and well and he also wanted me to tell you thanks for stopping by!

2008-08-14T10:02:00.001-07:00

It's my Birthday!

Now gimme a fucking job! *growl* I guess i'll just have to settle for BBQ and Beer for now.

That is all.

2008-08-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

Plan B

I'm not sure exactly what plan B entails, but I know it means finding another job as quickly as possible. I don't have the luxury of waiting around for something to find me.

So what have I been doing in the mean time? Sweating...seriously sweating until I find something else that will pay me what I think I'm worth and not make me an irritable dick. I can't even enjoy this time away from not having the obligation of work.

All I have to show for this previous job opportunity is my Passport. It does me no good at this point, unless I suddenly find myself winning the Lottery. In that case, the friends I know in foreign countries had best prepare themselves for my nearly unannounced visit. Although, I think that you'd know it by my elated diatribe (heh, that's my new word lately) telling all that I don't ever have to work again.

All I got was a T-Shirt...

I guess saying that all I got from the job opportunity was incorrect. It did confirm my belief that I need to go back to College for some sort of degree. As humbling as this is, that at least settles the issue of me debating on returning to finish my education.

The feedback I received from the interview was bittersweet, and they didn't really tell me which part of the test I failed. It's nice that they commented on my agreeable personality and my enthusiasm, but that's about all that's nice about it.

I'm mostly frustrated with myself and how much I need to improve on all those subjects I said 'would never help me outside of High School'. Funny how we think we know everything as a kid and were too ignorant to even recognize our own ignorance. It reminds me of a phrase Grif and I used to say all the time when we witnessed ignorance; 'Do the stupid really know they're stupid'? No, they really don't.

To remedy this feeling of dissatisfaction of my own lack of education, I have resorted to listening to everything from the Pixies, to Weezer, to Beck, and KMFDM. Good music, good distraction, good lord, I need a fucking job.

The end.

2008-07-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

The 2nd Interview

This is one of those situations where you walk away from in a daze. Think the first time you received oral sex without the proverbial blue balls. No, that's not true...in fact, I have 'blue brains'. I haven't checked if anyone's already invented this term, but (i'm on a roll and will continue running with it until the wheels fall off) it'll serve as a good metaphor.

Blue Brains is when you want some kind of relief, but have to wait for it. In my case, I'm aching for a career that actually interests me and here i've finally found that. Now, I have the agonizing wait to hear their decision. When will I have fucking sweet relief? Hopefully soon.

I'm retaining the feeling that regardless of their choice, this experience was still a 'Win' of some kind. Even if they decide I'm not what they're looking for, I know what kind of company I want to work for (in the future). But the whole point of this thread is to tell you how much I want to work for 'company a-z'.

Here's my logic...

The interview process was 5 hours - They take meticulous care with their choices in employees. Do you think it's a coincidence they have less than a 3% turn-over rate in employment?
Their emphasis on offering quality service and products.
Their growth potential is very high and seems to have lots of momentum.
Have I mentioned that they treat their employees very well?
There are a number of technologies, processes, and skills to be obtained from working at this company.

I can't express just how much I'm looking forward to hearing from someone representing 'company a-z', so I'll just wrap this up before I end up formulating an epic diatribe.

I really really really really want this job.

The end.

2008-07-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's about freaking time!!

Well, the day has finally come where the people I interviewed with (several weeks ago) called me back. All I can say is that I'm still very excited about this opportunity. When I spoke with the rep, I couldn't contain my enthusiasm and thanked her profusely for the callback. In retrospect, I hope I didn't sound desperate! Oh well, the interview is still on as of July 30th.

In the mean time...

Some unfortunate events have occurred recently. Rather than wait around for them to fire me (for my poor performance here in sales), I chose to end my employment with the company i've been with for the last 7 years. While I should be very worried that I'm currently unemployed, I feel good about this decision. The feeling of relief is overwelming, so I think this is a good reminder how much I disliked my Sales Position. Looking back...to say that I disliked it would be a severe understatement.

My last day was on July 15th and since then, I've been giving everyone under the sun my updated resume. By all rights, I should be very nervous about this situation, but I'm not. I'm looking forward to something else that I can dig my teeth into and call a career once again. Anyway, don't worry about me, I have the situation under control(mostly).

Tomorrow, I return from San Diego to once again renew my search for employment. Wish me luck!

2008-07-09T09:39:00.001-07:00

Interview part deux

Monday's morning interview went pretty well. I haven't heard back from them yet, but I think 'no news is good news'. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to type with crossed fingers.

I spoke with the IT Director/Manager from the UK. He was a nice chap and I believe I gave him a pretty good impression on what I'm looking for. I've done enough research to know what they're looking for in an employee.

One thing I was really concerned about was the fact that I have very little formal education. My resume does show that I have been to college, but bear in mind that this particular employer is very strict about hiring people with a Bachelor's Degree. The only thing I have that even comes close to that is that I'm a Bachelor 90% of my time when my kids are with their mother.

He didn't specifically ask me about my educational background (2 years of Junior College), but I led him to it by the end of the call. I felt it was necessary to let them know that, in spite of my limited education, I am capable of learning just as well as someone that spent 4-6 years in college. I'm no mind-reader, but i've been working on phones long enough to know when have satisfied someone's concerns. After I explained why I didn't continue with my education, I got the impression he was satiated with that answer.

Moving on, I anticipate a 2nd interview within the next few days. If I impress them enough to move onto the 3rd interview, they will be flying me out to London to further 'check me out'. That's enough to make me giddy with excitement and I've been doing nothing but trying to not think about the prospect of going to another country (on their dime).

Gawd, I am still absolutely floored that a company would spend money on someone they are only intending to hire. The Director confirmed my suspicions that they are 'nearly' sure about hiring the person they send to the UK.

I sure as hell hope they contact me soon...the anticipation is fucking consuming me moreso than this heatwave! To make matters worse here at my job, the Air Conditioning is not working. Yay.......~NOT!

2008-07-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

Inner-views and Interviews

You'll be happy to know I just finished with a phone interview for a company that designs and implements Soft-switches. For those of you that don't know what a Soft-switch is, I'll do my best to explain it. Think of it as the person who used to sit in the Original telephone office connecting people to eachother, but in a much more modern facet. A picture probably explains this best now that I've probably over-communicated the concept:

Here you see the concept of what a Soft-switch does albeit much more primitive than we'll ever see again.

So yeah, interview today! I'm very excited about this opportunity because this opportunity has several good points (not listed in any particular order):

They're on the edge of current technology. A company that designs hardware compatible with VOIP/Networking is pretty much at the lead of the proverbial pack thereby paving the way for rest to follow.
This company treats their employees very well~Go figure, they're based in the UK.
The pay looks to be about 10-20% higher than my current wages...even in sales. Sure the potential for making more is available in Sales, but I'd like to keep my soul a little longer.
I would be working in the same geographic region.
They would be willing to train me as well as offer to pay for my education - Again, based in the UK, hence their uber coolness.
They might hire me! Might not either, but this has definitely lit the fire beneath me.

There's other points I will add later when I am at work. Right now, I have to scurry off to pretend to sell things for the next few hours. Hopefully my interview company will let me know how it went before the day is complete.

Fingers crossed!

2008-06-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

Another Career Change

As some of you have already predicted, the life of a Salesperson is not turning out to be as awesome as first date sex. Not even 'been-dating-for-a-month-sex' level (although in contrast, if I had to wait that long to have sex with a female I was dating, it might be close to atmospheric level Orgasms). But I digress.

It's not that I have any problems pitching the products, but I think I provide them (prospective clients) a little bit too much information (as my Manager tells me). I believe he's right about everything (and it's good to massage his ego to further keep him off my ass) he's coached me on so far.

After applying these coaching tips, I am still seeing a seriously tragic flaw: Me. It's my personality that is impeding my success. I'm waaaaay too over-analytical and I have this thing called 'morals'.

Dropped the bomb

A few days ago, my Manager confronted me and asked me for a reason on my poor performance lately. I couldn't lie to the man's face...I had to tell him that I've been faking this for weeks now and that Sales just isn't the career I had hoped it would be. The relief is overwhelming, moreso than I ever thought it would be. If I didn't have to start looking for another job ASAP, I would be completely at peace with the world (maybe a cold beer would go nicely with it!).

I can't believe how relaxed I feel...it's testament to how much I really hated my job. That's right...I said job because that's all it was to me. The pay is great, but that's about all that's great about it.

Because nothing is ever easy

In light of my situation, I've atleast walked away from this with a positive outlook. Much like I did with my former Marriage, I knew what kind of women I wanted and wouldn't settle for anything less. The same could be said for my career and this will help me weed out anything I know I wouldn't like.

When I do finally get into the interview chair, my enthusiasm will be genuine and I have faith that it will make all the difference. Wish me luck on my job search(again)!

2008-06-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

Users, Abusers, and Losers

We have some new faces here at the job lately. Two are male, the 3rd is a female of above average physical beauty. To say she was gorgeous would've been accurate when I first met her, but after being here for a month now, I'm starting to see the ugly face of the beast (within her).

Someone else said it best when they also observed that she seems to expect others to do things for her.

I'll use an example and see if you can see why I want to stab her in the face.

Her: Toby, what's the answer to this customer's question (as she indicated to an email she received from a prospect)?
Me: (Examining the email thoughtfully)Hmmmm...I'm not sure what they mean with this question. It's not in proper context. You should reply with a request for them to clarify their question.
Her: (already becoming impatient with me) They mean they want to know if they can transfer their emails to our servers (still totally out of context).
Me: I still don't know what that means. Do you mean they want to know if they can transfer their mail domain to be hosted by our servers?
Her: You're confusing me! Just nevermind! (and she turned to her monitors completely tuning me out)
Me: (as I'm walking back to my desk shaking my head) You're welcome!

Personally, I don't mind helping people if they really want to know the answer and will apply it to later instances, but when you ask me a question, then blow me off when I didn't give you the right answer...kindly fuck off!~

This isn't the first time I've witnessed her 'user' tendencies either. She's done with others in my department and it's everything I can do to stop myself from correcting her on her unsavory behavior. The look on my Engineer's face when she non-verbally dismissed him (after he provided her with an answer to her question) said everything I've wanted to say when she did it to me.

I eventually resigned myself to not be a dick about it, but I will now encourage her to not ask me for anything. My theory is that if I continue giving her long winded answers, she'll just stop asking me questions.

If that doesn't break her of it, I'll have to start finding ways to make her days here very uncomfortable.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can politely crush this bitch?

2008-06-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

Mission Improbable

I have decided to run for President in light of the recent political battles we've all ~~ignored~~witnessed lately. Here are the things I'd like to change if elected (listed in no particular order of preference):

Increase funding for Research of Alternative Fuel sources - I'm totally tired of paying so much for transportation. Public transportation has never looked so much like an 18yr old virgin until lately.
Decrease the cost of Divorce - In light of the Gay Marriage law I might as well make it as cheap to Divorce as it is to get Married pleasekthx.
Legalize Marijuana - ...And tax the hell out of it. I'm so tired of hearing it lumped in with hardcore drugs. FFS people, it's not even among the top five of abused substances!
Prohibit the mis-use of the word irony - It means "the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning". Please, fucking get it right!
Ban the use of Cell phones in the Supermarket checkout line - Yes, that look of contempt on my face is from you holding up the fucking line!
Institute Public floggings - I'm not a big fan of whippin, but some people could use about 10 lashes while hand-cuffed to a pole (can you tell I've been reading Starship Troopers lately?). These will be for minor offenses, such as Drunk Driving, Perjury, Forgery, etc.
Lower the legal drinking age to 18 - Although I think we may not be mature enough as a nation to do this, Europe seems to not have too many issues with drinking related deaths.
Ban the creation and distribution of useless statistics - this might put the bean-counters out of business but it's worth not cringing when I hear someone say 'statistics show...'.
Disallow Criminals to joining the Military - I still think this is a horrible idea. What better way to reinforce the World's hatred for your Country by sending Thugs to 'protect' their oil?
Increase Public Educator Wages - After recently visiting my Daughter's Elementary School, I can see we have much to improve upon with respecting those who put up with our children 5 days a week.
Lift the Trade Embargo on Cuba - We should all be able to enjoy cigars and kickass baseball players without having to obtain them illegally (the cigars I mean).

That's all I can think of for now. I'll have my Campaign Manager draw up all these proposals and make them all look politically correct.

Vote for Tobiwan please and thank you!

2008-06-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

My poor neglected fraction of the internets

is really looking barren, especially considering the last time I posted was in April! Suddenly it's fucking June and I have a big goose egg to represent the whole month of May. It's a damn good thing I'm not being graded on this.

I totally missed out re-telling the story of my special day, Cinco De Mayo. Check out the archives or you can clicky on this link if you're lazy. Note: I'm not calling you lazy if you choose to save yourself the 3 minutes it takes to look through my Archives for May.

Good stuff there and for the record, I took a personal day to reflect on my situation in life. That turned out to be depressing, so I decided to get really stoned instead! Hooray for Sentient Appreciation Day!

Let's see, what else is on the home front. Ahhh, yes. I am finally seeing some decent payoff with this stupid sales job. It took me long enough to get to where I am, and I will have to admit that it's worth it (for now). The jury's still out if I really am going to stick with this career.

My gut still tells me that this only a speedbump in the road, but I figure I can at least enjoy the monetary benefits of the job. There's plenty of things I hate about the job, but the only things I can say I like about it is that I get to work with more women, my schedule is flexible, and I have the potential to make pretty good cash.

But is it all worth it in the long run? *shrugs* Probably not. There are still days that I arrive at work saying to myself, 'this place blows...' I just don't see myself doing a job for very long when I still feel this way. *sigh* Maybe, someday, I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

In other news...

I'd like to say that I've been busily preparing for my children's future and sowing the seeds of success, but that's a big fat lie. The truth of the matter is that I've been busily working on my Mario Kart and Smash Brothers (Brawl) skills with the intention of humbling my two over-confident children.

The boy, you see, is completely convinced that he's the top player in the house-hold (over 3 adults as well). He's a shithead to play against because he's a poor sport. He absolutely hates losing, but when he's winning, it's all about how fucking awesome he is. My roommates are ready to throw him into the pool whenever they hear him say, 'I can't believe how good I am at this game!'.

It's been a challenge getting him to humble-the-fuck out. How many times do I have to chastise him for being a braggart? I'm sure there were times when I was a little fuckface when I played against others, but I learned to keep my mouth-the-fuck-shut...eventually.

Am I approaching this in the right way? Probably not, but I don't see any other way of teaching him to be a better sport than to DOMINATE HIS FLEDGLING ASS into a puddle of whimpering humility. It was either that, or train his sister to do it, but I'd rather only damage his ego, not completely destroy it!

Wish me luck!