You never know

how lonely you really are until an old friend calls you after you unintentionally leave a clue about it on their blog. And just when they tell you that it's okay to cry on the phone, you stop yourself because you don't want to burden them with your problems. After all, I'm a big boy now (or I keep hearing myself say so) and I should be okay to handle the trivial things life throws at us modern aged Humans. Crying is useless.

Right?

I'm ready to cry right now. I'm ready to go somewhere quiet and cry my soul out for all I'm worth. Sure it wont solve anything and sure as hell wont make me the poster boy for the Tom Leykis version of what a man should be. This is what I need more than anything else right now. Other than good friends who are willing to let you cry on their shoulder.

My time lately has been spent soul-searching about what the hell I'm going to do in the next few months. I realized that I am lazy. I'm not willing to put forth effort to change my ways for some unknown goddamn reason. My love life, my career, my progression in life (or lack thereof) are all things that are being effected by this and I just sit watching them float by.

It's been more than 2 years since the last time I had sex and I think I forgot how to flirt with women. I'm sure it would come back to me, but all I can do is come up with excuses why I don't even talk to women. I'm afraid they'll find out that I don't have any hobbies other than playing a stupid fucking computer game, masturbating, and reading books. Oh yeah, I feel sorry for myself a lot too, does that count?

At a job interview, they asked me what my hobbies were and I had to make shit up. I guess maybe I should have more 'hobbies' prepared for my next interview so I sound like I have ambition. Job interviews are one thing, but what about when I'm talking to a woman? I don't want to lie about these things...it's not even an option! But what about the truth?

Really though, job interviews are so much like dating that it makes an acceptable metaphor, and you know how much I love metaphors! It's not unusual that both of these subjects seem to be coming up quite a bit; Love and Career.

Unfortunately, a career is something that I can use to have a more acceptable means of living, but I'm one of those thick-skulled idiots that has to like what he's doing in order to do it for a living. Why can't I be satisfied with a pointless career? Because I like to do things the hard way!

Off the subject, I thought about what life is going to be like for me in the next few months. For one thing, I will have to figure out what to do with my time. I wont have internets or cable; two very prominent forms of how I pass the time. There was a time when I initially moved up to Northern Cal where I had no cable or a computer and my only output/input was reading/writing. It's kinda blurry for me on my memory, but I read an aweful lot during those times. I can't even remember if it was productive. I do remember my point in bringing this up though.

I think I mentioned earlier that I'm lonely as of late. Well, that's an understatement. I've been craving some kind of contact for a while now. Although I have roommates around, it doesn't seem to help me much. It's certainly a bad combination to crave communication, but withdrawl once you realize you want to unload all of your pain to anyone that will listen. I find myself having difficulty letting it out even when I desperately need to release. It's stupid pride. And why's it stupid? Because it's contradictory to logic. Period.

I believe that now is that time I need to just walk away from the keyboard and find my quiet spot.

Lastly, I wanted to say thanks to my friend. I really needed it and you came through for me. You're so stuck with me now.