Aaand we're back...!

So, what can I say people? Life is pretty much the same for me; ever progressing, constantly digressing, and what were we talking about again?

In the least, I can say I'm in decent health. By 'decent', I mean I am fully clothed and consistent with my bathing.

Rich in friendship

Just when I think that my pockets are empty and I have nothing good in my life, I am, yet again, proven completely wrong.

This Saturday, I was invited over to my friends' house for the usual partaking of charring meat, the consumption of alcohol, and maybe take in the fragrance of radiated plant life. All good things and of course, who could forget the good company of people who have adopted me into their lives as surrogate family.

It's true what they say about family; you really can't choose them, you just somehow get inducted into it. Fortunately for me, my friends have adopted me and I to them. They will never leave me and I will never even consider trading them in (not even for a new porche).

So, Saturday, I am enjoying beer and the sated feeling of good food in my belly when it suddenly gets quiet around me. My friends gradually had gathered around me while I chatted away and began the murmer of the birthday song. And suddenly, the birthday song was audible and I realized that it was me who they were singing to. I can hardly explain the amount of love I felt at the time because it was just so overwelming. They put a pastry in front of me along with a few candles, then handed me a hand-made card from his daughter who had gotten everyone to sign their names on said card. Lucky for me, I held back the tears until later.

I'm feeling great today because I know I am loved and appreciated even though I don't always feel this way. It seems stupid to me how I can keep going back and forth about not being capable of loving another person.

Random things to share

My son really wanted to tell me about an item in Warcraft one evening and I really wasn't interested to hear about it, even telling him, 'C, I really don't want to know!'. He accepted this and went to bed shortly thereafter. Now before you say "Oh Tobi, how could you fucking say such a thing to your child?", I think you should spend some time with any 13yr old boy totally obsessed with a computer game and then tell me you're still interested in everything he has to say. Nuff said.

Anywho, back to my story...

I wake up the next morning and as I'm walking by the boy to head to the shower, he wakes up from his dead sleep and blurts out the statistics of the item he was so desperate to tell me about the previous evening. I stood there in shock staring at him wondering, 'Is my kid a little obsessed?' Maybe a little bit, but he's like that. His neurosis is not unlike mine where we'll obsess over obscure details or events that we percieve to have made an impact on us. This is something I accept about myself, but I feel for him in that he still has a long way to go to learning how to 'let things go'.

Fuck July...

July is over and I'm so relieved that I survived the hell that was my job. As I mentioned, I was the only one in my department which can often be overwelming. It was everything I thought it would be and more. I only wanted to quit roughly twice a day and the idea of becoming a landscaper only clouded my judgement on a few occasions. My sleep sucked and I'm still super glad to have my coworker back (from Vacation).

Crazy has another name...

I have decided to name my delusional coworker 'Loca' because calling her 'Crazy' would be like calling the Pacific Ocean a puddle. You'd think nothing surprises me anymore, but nope, I'm constantly being reminded that the only thing you can expect from people of this crazy level is the unexpected!

Crazy chicks are rumored to be outstanding lovers and I can't help wondering what the sex must be like with Loca. In reality, however, that's as close as I'll get to putting my penis in her. I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to find out.

I'm a pirate

This weekend, I downloaded a ton of music and also some episodes of BattleStar Galactica. It's nice to have a refreshed musical library so I don't have to listen to the same playlist. I'm sure my partner in crime 'Kitty' will appreciate that.

Texual Communications (Revised)

It has, once again, come to my attention that I should stop using text to communicate with prospective companions. Nothing i've been exposed to thus far has been the cause of so many misunderstandings/fights as text.

I know why it bothers me; It's not what's being written, it's what's not being written, how long it takes to respond, and punctuation/lack thereof. They're all subject to the observers' perspective and often times, what we read isn't what the other person means to say. Fucking confusing!

People like myself, ones of the hyper-observant pursuation, are often times jaded about text conversations because they just never live up to the conversations you can have in person. I'm just so dissatisfied with the responses I get that it makes me not want to respond. To prevent this jaded feeling, I will, from this point further, have the expectation that I wont ever be satisfied with text communication and leave it at that.

If this chick wasn't so cool, I probably wouldn't care, but in her case, I'm taking extra precautions to make sure my neurosis doesn't compromise a perfectly healthy growing relationship with her. To make me even more paranoid about this, she knows my blog address. I suppose if she has read it with any frequency, it shouldn't concern me because she's still talking to me.

A former associate of mine made a comment on my FB today about wondering why I'm still single. Geez, can you open a bigger fucking can of worms? Where do I start? Let me sum it up by saying that I think this blog should be changed to 'how I fucked it up and what to do if you want to remain single' but that's too damned long. On the outside, it would appear that i'm 'normal', but I know that's nowhere near being the truth.

It's true that I'm entirely too hard on myself about matters of the heart. Is it wrong to not want the best for yourself? My theory here is that I'm not happy with myself, so how could I expect others to be happy with me?
Right...now you know what's been on my mind lately.

Restless (again)

This may be the caffiene talking, but I'm feeling very restless to move forward. I think my idling status is beginning to take it's toll on my psyche. Whenever I sit too long in one place, I start questioning if I'm really making any forward progress. The brute in me would bludgeon me with the phrase, 'If you have to ask, then you don't need to know'.

I have done much honest soul-searching lately...so much that I'm weak with the burden of what I need to do to be where I want.

My sense of urgency is heightened as I near my 36th birthday. Why is this? Well...let's see, I really don't have my shit together when people my age are contemplating retirement. To the outside observer, I probably appear like I'm a fuck-up (or maybe that's just me being too hard on myself once again). I acknowledge this which is why I am still single after 5 years after a marriage I'm still surprised I was capable of in the first place.

I know what I need to do, but asking is close to amputating one of my own limbs (with something very dull and very rusty without drugs).

'Suck it up, Toby'

Yeah...it's time to do just that.

"Please hit FF, thanks!"

This is what I'm saying in my mind today at the beginning of July. This month, I anticipate being very heavily used at work and also started an early shift to help out during the day.

The Boy and I

Are getting re-acquainted while he stays with me for the next month or so. It's only been 5 days since his Mother dropped him off and he's already asking to go home. I suppose he's not liking the limited entertainment at my shack. I don't blame him though...there's really not a whole lot for a 13yr old boy to do unless he wants to gorge himself on World of Warcraft. I would've thought he could hang in there for another few days at least, but I over-estimated his need to be with his Mom.

And then he said he missed his cats. Reasonable plea, I suppose, but I'm hoping he can hold out.

He's been great about keeping himself clean since hygene has been an issue in the past. Every night I get home, he tells me he brushed his teeth, took a shower and shampoo'd his hair. He seems to be getting used to it and I haven't had to tell him 'you stink' in quite a while. Good progress, but I'm mostly concerned with what's going to happen when he goes back to living with his mother. It's not that she doesn't take care of it, it's just that she doesn't maintain her authority over him. He doesn't respect her or his grandmother and that's just not right. He does what I tell him without questioning it (too much), but his mother and grandmother just give up a little too easy for my taste.

I have held my tongue about it for a long time, but I'm starting to believe that they're seeing that they need to be the authority, not just act like they want it. I don't really know how to describe it, but I know that I'm the parent as does the boy. He may not like it, but he knows it just as I did when I was a kid.

Living with him again has been a good experience; one which I had forgotten how much I was missing. I know that where I live will not be acceptable enough for me soon and that I need to get my own place. When that happens, I want the boy to live with me so I can help him be successful in life. It's not that I don't trust his mother, I would just prefer to have a more direct influence over him.

The prospect of having my own place has me day-dreaming right now. I look forward to the tedious things like preparing my own meals, doing dishes, laundry, cleaning up before I have guests come over to visit.

/sigh Some day soon....