Swinging bliss

Have you just wanted to sit on a swing with your kids and stay there for a while? One great perk to being a parent is the fact that nobody gives you any funny looks while you re-live your childhood. Sure I let other kids have a go on the swings if anyone's waiting, otherwise, I'm usually along side my kids for the ride.

A few weeks ago, my children both had 'Open House' at their school on the same night. That evening, I met with both of their instructors. They were very anxious to tell me what great kids I have, which is always great to hear. I know they're not perfect, but they make me proud when I see how much they've accomplished so far in their educations.

Here's where I'm going to gloat for a short time, feel free to skim over it if children don't interest you. I recognize how fortunate I am to have kids that are happy and healthy. They're good people and it's not just because I'm their father. One day they will know how much I care for them and how fun it will be to see them become adults.

I can't wait to see them again tomorrow. It's my weekend with the boy since the girl is sick and also obligated to work on her halloween costume. This year, she's decided to be a Cheetah, 'The fastest land animal on the Earth', as she informs me. To screw with her, I asked her what the fastest land animal in the Universe was. She rolled her eyes at me and giggled, apparently she didn't feel that an answer was necessary. *laughs* Where does she get that from? (the eye rolling part!). The boy is going to be a 'Knight' this year. Hopefully he doesn't try to stab anyone with his plastic sword (again).

They're going to trick-or-treat in my neighborhood this year (as always), which will be nice because it's relatively safe and creep free (as far as I can tell). Isn't Halloween an ideal way to meet your neighbors? Normally, I don't care to know any of them, but there's this really cute mama that lives down the street I'd like to meet. October's one of my favorite months, I'd say...good things happen to me this month historically speaking.

That's all for the time being, hopefully you're all having a nice thursday.

And by the way...how come none of you are showing me HNT pics of your pinstripe pants? What gives? What's a guy gotta do to get you ladies showing me your uhm...fashion statements?

Forbidden lust

I've said quite often that I'm glad people can't read my mind. I'm still thankful for this as I am reminded of slowly keeping pace with the woman who manages our building while walking down the stairs. She wore pinstripe pants yesterday, and I'm pretty sure she was wearing a thong by my observation. What is it with those freaking pinstripe pants that makes me drop to my knees and thank the fashion people for making those popular among women? A friend's girlfriend, no fiancee' now, wears pin stripe pants sometimes and I can honestly say I'm very happy to watch her do anything in them. She knows that they turn me on and that's another way we help eachother out. She wears the pinstripe pants, and I tell her how great they would look on my bedroom floor. Want-to-touch-that-hiney!

It's not nearly as bad as the Catholic High School I have to drive near every day. The plaid skirts are enough to give me a heart attack. *shakes his head* I'm a dirty old man, I know it!

What is it about the forbidden lust that makes it so hot?

Are we fascinated by it because it's scandalous? I think this is why roleplaying appeals to me~it offers the possibility to experience it in a controlled environment.

The weekend in review ('Cure for Insomniacs' version)

Like any good nerd, I spent my weekend in front of my computer doing absolutely nothing productive. Let's cover the events:

Friday night, on my way home, I stopped by the 'BevMo' (*said in his best yuppie accent*) and picked up a few pints of the 'Arrogant Bastard' Ale. Bitter, how I like it, and potent for Yankee beer.

A beer and a joint later, I'm in front of this damn thing again for a friday night raid on the Blackwing lair. I picked up something nice along the way. Had more beer and another joint and slept until about 9am.

Saturday, I saw a movie with big V. We saw Fearless with Jett Li..it rocked.

On the way home, we decided to stop in at the Pub. It was pretty crowded, but we eventually found a table outside and had a few pints. There were some very nice looking ladies, including the Bartender. The two women I talked with made coffee for a living, but they didn't really seem very interested in men, plus big V is a bigger scaredy-cat than I am when it comes to talking to random women, so he pretty much talked on his phone the whole time. He's totally off my 'wingman' list now.

I'll digress for a moment to give props to myself for at least striking up a conversation with women. It's something I have had difficulty readjusting to after being out of the dating scene for so long. It might sound pretty simple to do for some people, but it's been an act of self control to force myself to do it. I've seen the results of striking up conversations with random people and I'm convinced that it works.

Saturday evening ended with a memorable phone call.

Sunday, another day of leisure and relaxation. One fault for writing about things retroactively is that you see for yourself that you could've been more efficient with your time. What an annoying observation, albeit the truth.

I barely remember Monday because work was more of a blur. Busy days are ideal for making the day progress quickly. Unfortunately, being in a routine also allows me to literally grind days away without even realizing it.

The introspective me has been on the hunt for answers on what to do with my life. I've always been a proscrastinator, but that's one habit I want to break before I'm too broken to save. As a parent that no longer lives with his children (after raising them for the first 7 and 5 years of their life), I find it difficult to feel like I'm making an impact on their lives. I can either move closer to them, or they can move closer to me, but it wouldn't be as immediate as I want.

I can feel my mood slipping a bit into the negative while I wrote this because I began to feel that guilt again. It's a goal of mine to live with them again and be apart of their lives. The distance is now taking it's toll on me I think.

This is a good time for me to find something else to do besides sit in front of the computer. Have a day.

The latter half of the week

Today's friday and after a few days of training on the new database interface, I have a much better perspective on how my company is changing. Good things are afoot I think and I've never had faith that they would.

My boss and I were discussing the possibility of getting me trained on a number of new products including the ever popular VPN Support. In the mean time, work has settled to a typical routine where, if I keep my numbers up, he stays off my back and I can fuck around in peace. Funny how my work happiness is all wrapped around how little people bother me, boss included.

The whole dress code thing has blown over...I guess I didn't make enough noise to change anyone's mind...big surprise there. It looks like if I want to wear jeans with holes in them, I'll have to plan them around my bosses' vacation days. Even the big nasty email I sent to my bosses' boss was diffused in a rather annoying fashion. Apparently, the word is out that I'm just here to cause drama~hate it when they're right, almost as much as being predictable.

At least I had a semi-relaxing day despite the 4 hour training I sat through without nodding off more than a few times. Happy friday!

Conformity is for 'suckers'

For as long as I've been in the working world, I have loathed dress codes. I'm really not that much of a violator of the current dresscode here, but I hate principal behind it. Today, my boss tells me that my holy knee needs to 'stop being seen', in other words, the hole in my jeans is not compliant to the dress code. I quickly noted the holes in his jeans, albeit much smaller to which he exclaimed that he purchased them like that. Well doesn't that make it all better? How about that...if I get someone to rip them on purpose, y'know, all in the name of fashion, I can adhere to the dress code.

Fortunately for me, he recognized the tone of my email to him immediately and saw it fit to diffuse me by just letting me burn myself out. This is probably the most effective means of diffusing any of my fits of anger. I like to think of it as my fiery Zodiac sign coming out of me and acting very much like fire. If you feed the fire, it gets bigger, it consumes things, it burns shit up more than it needs to, but if you let it burn out by itself without offering any help, it will eventually smolder to a halt. At least this is how I see my temper nowadays.

In my younger days, I was more volatile than I probably should've been, but considering I was a social idiot and thought I knew everything, nothing could've been more appropriate to how people got along with me. When I think about how much shit I got away with saying, I am reminded of how fortunate I was to be surrounded by people who knew I was an idiot and chose to educate me in their own ways rather than thin down the gene pool.

On a lighter note

Everyone should either have sex before they goto work, or have a prolonged hearty laugh. Since I didn't have hot sex before work (does the morning jerk count as sex?), I settled for the prolonged tear-filled laugh that lasted nearly 15 minutes (consecutive) and is responsible for the silliness I am smitten with right now. This is what slayed me this morning and I hope you can see how absurd it is to enjoy it the same way. Otherwise, just rub one off and say you had a good laugh.

Laughter really is the best medicine in the world. Vicadins are pretty nice too if you take them in moderation. Hope you all are having a nice day/evening/morning!

Long Phone Calls

are my favorites because I never want those to end. Last night, I had a conversation with almost a stranger. Let's just say we've never heard eachother's voice until this conversation. It was a little awkward at first, but after a while, I settled into a pleasant, comfortable atmosphere. I expected it to go this way, but was happily surprised just how much more it was than that.

You always know that you're having a good phone call when you've been talking for more than 4 hours with someone. Stimulating*smirk* conversation always does that and I'm afraid I'm going to have to get more soon like the fiend I am~sorry in advance!

I woke up tired as hell, but there's a smile on my face in memory of how much we talked about. Sure, it might've been the hot phone sex we had, but also how we didn't seem to run out of things to talk about. Have I mentioned I had hot fucking phone sex? I can assure you the mess I had to clean up afterwards speaks loudly of how good it was. It was so good, I'm still hard thinking about it. Excuse me for a while, I think I hear a cold shower coming, or it might just be me in the shower coming.

Once upon a time

I think I could honestly say I would fuck anyone that gave me enough attention regardless if I were attracted to them. Thankfully, times have changed and I have a lot more respect for myself. Shortly after I was relieved of my marriage (not initiated by me), my self esteem hit an all-time low. Even worse, there was this new place to go look for women to sex~myspace. I had no idea how big it would be, nor did I know how it would warp my perspective on women (in cyberspace). At the time, I saw right through the bullshit and knew it was a virtual meat market. Of course, I didn't care because there were a multitude of women in my area all seeming ripe for the picking. What I know now is that it's a place where women make all the rules and reap the rewards of their gender. I have no idea if the playing field has been leveled with how even the gender populace might be, but I'm sure it's pretty close. Eventually, I tore myself away from it and decided that meeting women in the flesh is significantly more satisfactory to me.

Anyway, the reason I bring up Myspace is because lately I have been stalked by someone in my region. I classify it as stalking because she's already asked me all the questions related to where I live, how many I live with, and how thin the walls are in my bedroom. As flattered as I am by this, I'm highly disappointed that she has not given me a recent pic. Experience tells me that she has not posted a pic because she's not all that attractive. The one picture I did happen to see (before she removed it) was a Family shot with her 2 kids and hubby~nice (insert sarcasm). The conversation over yahoo consisted of lots of flirting and a brief mention of trouble with the marriage (no way!). My gut feeling is that I was being prepped for infidelity~something I am really not okay with unless they're separated (as in not living in the same house). I have already decided to stop leading her on and be honest with her since I have nothing to lose. Frankly, the one pic I saw did not make the difference, nor did it make my penis override the infidelity factor. Methinks she has other cocks at her disposal, so she'll have to make do without mine.

There have been many times where I wanted to delete the myspace profile and I think i'm leaning more in favor of it now more than ever. Why do I have this urge to remove it? *shrugs* It could be that I'm entering a new phase in my life (of my midlife crisis) and I'm looking to get rid of bad memories. All I can say now is that myspace is on some very thin ice with me right now~maybe I'm just remembering all the missed connections and stupid games people play? The urge is almost too tempting to avoid. More on this subject later if I decided to flush it.

Yesterday's fun

Consisted of going to the Movies and then stalking all the hot bookworm ladies at the Bookstore. Picked up 2 books for myself (John Varley's 'Mammoth', and Roald Dahl's 'the Twits') and a book for each one of the kids. Since school's back in session for them, I have informed them that I am enforcing a one hour reading session for every day I'm with them. Last night's reading session consisted of the boy asking me every 5 minutes how much time he had left. I can imagine how frustrated he was when I kept adding 5 minutes every time he asked. Eventually he got the hint and stopped asking. There are times when I want to give up with them, but I know by experience how important it is for them to read through adolescence.

Today's Agenda

Make breakfast for kiddies then mosey over to the park for some swing action. Sometime after we get bored with that, we'll bowl for a while until I have to take them home. Hopefully, y'all are having a great weekend as well!

Wet Dream relived

Last night was the first time I've had a wet dream for nearly a decade. It's not uncommon for me to be dreaming about sex, but this one seemed more vivid than the others. Where to begin...Hmm.

It seems that I had a number of different women in my dreams last night. My first memory was my most recent girlfriend lying next to me in bed, but she quickly faded to a good friend's girlfriend. She was looking as delicious as ever and the dream seemed to fast forward to the image of her ass rythmically moving up and down on my cock~all I remember from that was how fucking tight her pussy was. The sound of skin against skin proved to be too much for me to continue going and I was suddenly awakened from the intense orgasm. Let me tell you that there's no better way to wake up than with a gigantic orgasm. Oddly enough, after I came down from my 'Cum High', I was still extremely horny and very awake. Rather than clean myself up, I opted to have a follow-up orgasm which didn't take long (because my fantasy was still fresh in my mind). The 2nd orgasm left me with only enough energy to clean myself up and drag my fatigued ass back to bed.I was thinking about my goal of being able to make myself ejaculate without touching myself and I wonder if it's even possible without tricking my body into thinking it's really happening.

You'd think that after having so much sex in my dreams that I wouldn't want any when I woke up. Not the case for me. I still had that residual need to release the beast. Several strokes later, I was out of breath and hoping my roomates didn't hear me gasping for air. The release was great, but unfortunately, I was exhausted from it and still needed to get ready for work. Damn work for fucking up another post orgasmic nap!

Kid weekend

I recently discovered that there's a Bowling Alley within walking distance to my house. It was hidden behind some other buildings, but from the angle I approached, I was delighted to have spotted it. Already told the kidlings about it and they seem genuinely excited about it. Looks to be nice weather for us as well, so we might make it to the park for a picnic.

On a side note, my exwife asked me a peculiar question. She asked me what state I would prefer to live in besides California. This one prompted an inquisitive head tilt (y'know, the kind a dog would make when they hear something they don't recognize), but I answered anyway. 'Washington' was the only state I could probably bear living besides Cal. Apparently, she has been considering moving out of state with her mother and wanted my input. No matter how many people tell me that my ex is out to get me, I will always have faith that she wont fuck me over. She knows I don't want to stay in California and she wants (as do I) the kids to live near me so I can be apart of their lives. I'm so very fortunate to have someone like her in my corner. More on that later.

Thursday Funny

If you haven't seen the wikipedia definition of the "Flying Spagetti Monster", I highly highly highly recommend this for a good laugh. Funny how a concept as absurd as 'Intelligent Design' can spinoff into the best parody since Spaceballs.

Poor Choices

I have concluded that I have a bad streak of women lately. Although I still greatly appreciate the feminine attention I receive in cyberspace, it's extremely frustrating when it doesn't work the same way in person.

8675309 hasn't called yet, and although I think people need a few days to return calls, I find myself believing in my own gut feeling. I have removed her from my phone in light of my gut feeling. Perhaps I need to invest in a prostitute to make the courting process easier...and it would at least get me laid. I have never considered paying for sex in the past, and the idea is becoming more and more appealing.

However...I don't just want sex. You all know this about me...I think I want what everyone else wants: A considerate person who is interested in me like I'm interested in them. A woman like this is beginning to sound like one of those Urban Legends.

Methinks I'll just give someone my phone number next time so I don't have them giving me their number because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

What do you ladies/guys think? Is it better to give them your number?

I have made efforts to get out of the house, but I don't think it's enough. I'm still hesitant to talk to women because it doesn't seem to get me anywhere as quickly as I'd like. I'm all about the instant gratification~why else would I be so impatient with the opposite sex? Maybe the only option I have is to strike up a conversation with any woman I can lay my eyes on so I get used to talking to them.

Time for me to prove what I've been saying all this time about me being able to adapt to my surroundings. I guess I've only been 'blending in' to sit and observe people rather than go meet them and talk. What was that quote from the Murphy's Laws of Sex?

"Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly" Damn straight, Murph.

The truth of the matter

Is that I am still dissatisfied with how things are going here in the office. It took me writing an acidic email to my supervisor and his boss to get a response to my initial complaint email. I guess they just assumed that I would be unhappy with whatever they said. I suppose there is a high percentage of doubt in my mind that they would tell me anything I wanted to hear. This means that I will need to work on my resume...maybe this is a good sign that things are coming to an end here.

They replied exactly how I expected them to respond: 'Suck it up you little bitch'. Thanks guys, I am eternally grateful for you reinforcing my desire to be here and maintain a pleasant attitude. Really, all I wanted from them was an acknowledgement that they heard my complaints. I didn't expect them to do anything about it because I know them well enough to figure out that they leave their spines at home prior to coming to work.

8675309

Finally called the girl I've been talking about lately and spoke with her briefly last night. She sounded like she was in midst of a live band, perhaps at a pub, but told me she'd call back sometime. Frankly, my gut feeling is that she will not honor me a callback. I no longer have my fingers crossed about this one.

While I realize that I should give her more time to call me back, it's better to anticipate the worst and hope for the best. Moving on....

Gratefuls

Haven't had any of these in a while. It's really hard to spot anything good when you're in midst of a shit-storm.

- I'm thankful for my friends, local and foreign for their support of my mental state. You've all been a very positive influence on my life. Not only with my writing, but reminding me how good I've got it.

- I'm glad I have such cool children. And I'm glad I had them at such an early age so they could teach me how to be an adult while also maintaining my childish ways.

- My cousin is coming back from Iraq much earlier than anticipated. She'll be home this weekend...it's a pity she's over 500 miles away, otherwise I'd stop in to give her a welcome home hug.

- Although my body is sore from the workout, I'm thankful I have my health in spite of all the horrible things I've ingested. Have I mentioned how hard it is to quit smoking pot? *twitch*

- I'm grateful to have a job even though it's not the same one I signed on for initially.

Nothing nice to say

I am currently in midst of supreme frustration with the situation here at work. The situation doesn't seem to be improving, and as a friend of mine said, 'It may be a sign that you need to move on'. Damn right, I'm ready to pack up my shit and leave with how I feel about this place. Leaving my friends will be a very hard thing to do, but I don't feel like we've been given any respect here.

There's nothing worse than when you're struggling to keep up morale and then they make the situation even less pallable by telling you that there's nothing you can do to change it. Why can't this be changed? Oh yeah...because it's not in everyone's best interest.

Every time I walk by a Salesperson's desk, I wanna grab any awards they have for 'Excellent achievement' and see how well it flies across the room. Hopefully, it will hit someone else of equal stature (if I'm lucky).

Well, at least my resume doesn't need all that much touching up. Should be ready to go by the end of the week.

Not impressed

I’m quite unimpressed with how my new Work Building is configured. We are now officially a ‘call center’ which tells me that my days of being in the spotlight are short-lived. The Call Center itself looks neat…sorta, but my main concerns are that we have virtually no privacy and the acoustics here are the equivalent of an amphitheater. This is not good for a call center because I can hear the people on the other end of the room. Given that I am a very good at projecting my voice, I must actively keep my voice lowered…how lame! What bothers me the most is that as a group, it seems that we were not taken into much consideration with regards to privacy or general happiness. It’s quite obvious that they didn’t really plan ahead very well. I know this because the other departments have actual cubicles and we are wide open…like wide-fucking open. Everyone behind me, which is approximately 60% of the Support Department, can see what I’m doing on my monitors. I like the spotlight, but I sure as hell don’t like being on display like this.

I would make official complaints to my superiors, but I think they would just give me the brush-off. They seem like they’re fielding a lot of the complaints and frankly, today, I’m in the mood to just bitch constantly about how unhappy I am about being here. Maybe I’ll get used to it, but until I get acclimated, be prepared to hear the Waaaahmbulance going by my department quite a lot today.

The Weak-end

I cant say that I had a great time this weekend. Fortunately, I didn’t expect anything but to gawk at all the lovely ladies. Yet again, I didn’t really do much to get the attention of the lovely ladies. The one girlie I had my eye on talked with me, but of course she has a boyfriend. She caught my eye because of her sexy glasses and her bubbly attitude. It’s always a shame to pick out the one girl in the crowd…and she’s got a boyfriend. It now has me concluding that I’m only attracted to attached women. I sorta thought by now, I’d be more attracted to women without a significant other.

Saturday night ended up being a surprise. I went out to a semi-local pub to meet the woman I have been talking about lately. She seemed surprised to see me there, but greeted me warmly (hugs) enough. Although she managed to sit with me at the same table, I didn’t get a really encouraging vibe from her. Maybe she was hung-over from the previous evening? *shrugs* I at least managed to get her phone number without any trouble. She left a little early because she was intending to go to the Renaissance Fair the next morning. We left with a genuine hug, but as I mentioned before…I didn’t get the vibe that she was all that interested in me. Considering there was no warning that I’d be there, I suppose it’s not all that unusual that she didn’t seem more enthusiastic. It could just be that I’m totally misread it…I’m willing to accept that I am a poor judge of knowing someone is interested in me. Here I go analyzing the situation probably more than I need to.

Sunday, I ended up spending the day at home watching the Sopranos on DVR. 5 episodes later, I’m grabbing my crotch and saying (in my best east coast accent) “Ey, fuck you guy!” to anyone that talked to me. *laughs* That show tends to bring out the worst attitude in me…can you blame me?

Not a horrible weekend, but definitely not one that I will mark on my calendar as significant. Looking forward to spending next weekend with kids. Who knows? Maybe Miss J will be different once I give her a call.

Hope you all had better weekends than I did. See ya!

Instances of Feet Stomping

So it's now been almost a week and I still don't have that woman's number. I've thought about stopping by at some of the places I've been told she haunts, but I find the familiar obstacles preventing me from doing this.

Fuck doubts...I'd rather fuck women than doubts. Here's where I stomp my feet in protest at my over-active imagination. Stupid fucking doubts, go fuck yourself this time!

Is it really all that wrong to track someone down after meeting them? Logic tells me that it's more polite to personally ask the person for their digits, but tracking them down by frequenting their favorite establishments could classify me as a Stalker. The emotional side of me, however, tells me that she might be thrilled to see me show up and might also be flattered that I went to all the trouble of locating her. Y'know...best case scenario without cutting to the porn music. She could also think I'm a creepy stalker guy for not finding other ways of communicating to her. Methinks I let a comment from a friend change my perspective on stalking her...I wish I was more sure she'd be receptive to it.

I thought about posting on Craig's list under the category 'Missed Connections' just as a shot in the dark. It still reeks of 'desperate single guy', but I'm a willing to let people judge as they would anyway. Here's what I'd say:

"Dear Miss J.

Let me say that you have occupied my mind since I met you at the bbq last Saturday. My only regret that evening was not asking for your phone number so I could get to know you better. I have considered the idea of frequenting the places you visit, but I dunno...I'd rather not scare you off like that.

I've turned my friends upside-down and none of them have your number. What kind of fucking friends are they? Never mind that, I'm here to talk about you, me, some frosty beverage of some kind, and perhaps something to smoke. We'll just go from there unless you have other things on your mind.

So, y'know, email me so we can talk and do other things mature adults do.

Warm Regards,

Toby

PS. I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to share saliva with you."

Who knows if she'll ever read it, but I am nearly sold on doing it.

More Foot Stomping

I have graciously agreed to escort a friend's sexy red-headed GF to a Country Western Bar this evening. Sure I'll be missing out on the sexless fun of playing World of Warcraft all night long, but I've been chosen to be the resident Cockblocker for his GF. It's a dirty job, but I specialize in doing dirty work...it's what I do best...y'know, other than kiss.

It will be nice to get out of the house once again, especially considering I'll be surrounded by drunk women, some of which will hopefully be the right combination of drunk and horny. If some cutie is willing to teach me to 2-step, I might be willing to cut some rug too. Not counting it out since people go there to dance/drink/fuck intentionally.

Looks to be a fun, interesting evening. Hopefully all of yours will be the same!

Out-of-shape

It's funny...you never know just how out of shape you are until the day after your first workout. At the moment, I realize exactly how long it's been since I've even done a sit-up much less a push-up. With only one day of progress, I feel proud of myself for not falling into the whole apathetic role of exercise. I also managed to walk about 3 miles which is a good start to ensure my ankles don't protest unnecessarily.

Have I mentioned how cool it's going to be to be desired for my body? I can't wait to be healthy again!

More Lists...

Anne posted one, it's my turn.

Things that scare me:

1. The nightmares I have about my children being horribly killed
2. Being a passenger in a vehicle driven by my Father
3. absolute failure
4. being alone forever

People who make me laugh:

1. Rodney Dangerfield - RIP
2. Bill Hicks (http://www.billhicks.com/)
3. My kids - all the freaking time
4. Robert Colbert (Comedy Central)

Things I hate most:
1. People that insist on slowing down to 55mph when there's a curvy spot on the freeway
2. People that drive with both feet (one on the gas, and the other on the break)
3. Inconsiderate people
4. Poorly disciplined children (and their parents)
5. Deadweight (people who have no understanding of their own job and rely on others to do it for them).
6. Individuals with zero humility
7. Aristocrats
8. Materialistic people

Things I don't understand:
1. Interest in worldly affairs
2. Do women count as "Things"?
3. How did reality TV programs become so goddam popular?
4. Wheel rim spinners "it don't mean a thing if you aint got that bling"
5. Street racing

Things I'm doing right now:
1. Updating my blog questionaire
2. Thinking about sex
3. Thinking about sex with multiple women (not at the same time, individually)
4. Sending threatening emails to customers that can't keep their security a priority
5. browsing through my gaming guild's forums
6. listening to Weezer's "My name is Jonas"
7. overhearing the conversation of "Tang" in the background from my coworkers (apparently, astronauts also love Tang!).
8. Daydreaming about sex.

Things I want to do before I die:
1. Look at the earth from the atmosphere (space baby!)
2. Have sex with 2 women at the same time
3. Become financially secure
4. Be apart of something the world will never forget (my ego demands this!)
5. Find a like-minded companion for a lifetime of fulfilling sex/intimacy.
6. Become a grandfather so I can spoil my grandkids (I'm not in any hurry for this one to come true)

Things I can do:
1. I can wiggle my ears without using my hands
2. I can kiss for hours before complaining I have sore lips
3. I can steer my car with my knee
4. I can conform to almost any social atmosphere
5. I play video games very well and it's a shame I never got a job doing that.

Ways to describe my personality:
1. Empathetic
2. Perverted
3. considerate
4. scrutinous
5. cynical
6. imaginative
7. passionate

Things I can't do:
1. Bear children
2. pilot airborne vehicles
3. Shop for more than 30 minutes
4. I can't pass a drug test unless I used someone else's urine
5. jog for more than 20 minutes before I want to hurl
6. stop thinking about sex for more than a few hours at a time
7. quit playing World of Warcraft permanently

Things I think you should listen to:
1. Ben Harper
2. Anything by Oingo Boingo circa 1990
3. The Ramones
4. The Vandals' album "Look what I almost stepped in"
5. The quiet you experience with earplugs
6. Jet's most recent album - it rocks sofa king hard!
7. A woman's voice on the other end of the receiver during/after her orgasm

Things you should never listen to:
1. Anything by Oingo Boingo after 1995
2. Politicians
3. The Media - any of them.
4. Someone who is afflicted with Rage
5. Salespeople

Things I'd like to learn:
1. I'd like to learn how to make myself ejaculate by deep concentration
2. To control the words coming out of my mouth
3. Network Security codes
4. I'd like to know how to cure cancer
5. how-to make women fall for me
6. to not overanalyze things

Favorite foods (in no particular order):
1. Pizza - Zackary's Pizza (Berkeley) It's fucktastic!
2. Chicken
3. Steak
4. Lobster/Shrimp
5. Mom's Lasagne

Beverages I drink regularly:
1. Tea - Gotta have that perk in the werk
2. Water
3. Beer
4. Soda (cutting back)

Shows I watched as a kid:
1. Sigmund and the Sea Monster (what a sad pathetic existence I had as a child)
2. Loony Tunes - Still watch it
3. Mork and Mindy
4. Three's Company
5. Nightrider
6. The A Team
7. Battlestar Galactica I've had no desire to watch the new episodes *shrug*
8. Robotech

Some guy emailed me a list

And I took the most memorable ones to share with you all. Out of a list of 60 'Murphy's Laws of Sex', here's what I think are most applicable to reality:

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
3. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
4. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
5. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
6. No sex with anyone in the same office. - gawd, I think I am very well aware of this one.
7. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
8. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
9. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
10. Virginity can be cured.
11. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. - I think the same could be said for when husbands understand their wives.
12. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
13. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
14. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
15. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
16. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
17. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
18. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness
19. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
20. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. A very true statement Murph.
21. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
22. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
23. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
24. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
25. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
26. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
27. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
28. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.38.
29. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.
30. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
31. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
32. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.
33. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.
34. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
35. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
36. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
37. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
38. Love comes in spurts.
39. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
40. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. - This isn't related to sex, but I liked it enough to share it.
41. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
42. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
43. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
44. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Hopefully you are all having a nice morning/evening. I had hoped the spammers would take a day off and let me goof off in peace, but alas, they gotta make their dime somehow.

Mostly lonely, but never alone

This is the part where I say that 'I don't need anyone in my life to make it complete' and really try to convince you that I'm serious when I say it. To which, I anticipate a prompt response (from the ones that know me well enough) of, 'STFU Tob, I smell bullshit'. What good friends I have for not letting me revel in my fabricated theories.

The truth of the matter is that I do, in fact, need someone in my life to make it complete. Sure I've got my kids to keep me occupied, but they can't really satiate certain aspects of my life. Obviously, intimacy is something they can't help me achieve unless you consider using them as 'Babe magnets'.

Since December, I have had almost zero contact from the likes of a female. Phone sex really doesn't count, although it is nice to know that I can please someone over 1000miles away without leaving my home.

I'm beginning to resort to writing sappy poetry about how I feel like a lost soul without a warm body (next to me when I wake up)~a sure-fire sign that I need to just ditch this whole BS about me being on a Dating Hiatus. What kind of smelly ass BS have I been trying to pass off as logic? Oh yeah! I remember now...I've been making up flakey excuses as to why I've decided to remain single when one very hard detail remains: I'm single because I am not leaving my house or putting forth effort to meet women.

And what about that cute chick I was flirting with at the BBQ on Saturday? JT informs me that she was giving off her 'Come fuck me' eyes, but frankly, I wasn't sure if that's what I was seeing. Why can't I ever pick up on this? Why is it that I never believe them even when more than one person confirms it? Sadly, the cute chick had to leave early, but not without a prolonged 'bye, very nice meeting you'. We must've shook hands like 4 times in the process of her leaving...it could also be because I didn't let go of her hand right away. It was more like:

*shaking her very soft hand* 'It was really nice meeting you cute chick' *continues smiling and shaking her hand*

*still holding onto my hand* 'I'm really sorry I have to go...it was nice meeting you.' *she smiled at me the whole time and never once protested to me holding her hand*

*finally releases her hand slowly~that took lots of willpower, let-me-tell-you.* 'I'm sorry I can't join you guys, but we know the same people, so I'm sure we'll run into eachother again.' (she was with her friends, a nice hippy couple).

Later, after she left, I felt bad for not asking for her phone number. I could've kicked my own ass for not persuing contact with her, but I do that enough as it is. Fortunately, she's a friend of a friend, which means obtaining her number is as easy as heckling them for it. Right now, I'm being inundated with concerns of 'What if she doesn't remember me?', 'What if she thinks I'm a psycho for calling her out of the blue?', and 'I wonder if she likes sex'. Clearly, I am putting way too much thought into this. I just need to get her number and fucking call her...period.

JT was trying to help me out on Saturday by slurring (to said cute chick) the phrase, 'Tob is the goods...he's the real thing.' I gotta admit, I was a little embarrassed to be holding him up while he said this, but I appreciated it just the same. It's great to know he and his woman have faith in me, maybe I create too many obstacles for myself.

Faith in myself

Believe it or not, but I do happen to have faith in my own abilities. I wish my faith didn't have so much to do with what I've experienced...that's all. In the past, I have demonstrated that I can be charming, witty, and sexy...but I can't seem to put my finger on how I did it. It seems that I excel the most when I involve less thinking. Everyone I talk to tells me I do too much thinking...maybe I need to have more faith in what they're telling me?

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm just gonna call her without thinking about it. Wish me luck!

The Long Weekend

..wasn't long enough for me. Even with the extra day, my time away from work just doesn't seem to be long enough. Size does matter in this case...the size of my weekend is very important.

Children becoming young adults

I realize I've mentioned this before, but I have the greatest kids in the world. I'm starting to see some of the hard work of being the disciplinarian pay off lately. My son, for example, has learned the value of being polite to people. He made sure to make eye contact with the waiter, as well as said please and thank you every time he brought something to the table. The waiter even stopped me to tell me how much he appreciated their behavior. The kid's got charm~I wonder who he got that from? There is no greater compliment than one about how well your kids behave...at least from where I'm standing.

The little girl is a stubborn thing to say the least. She has been pushing her limits with me as well as her mother. Lately, she's been outright ignoring me when she doesn't want to do something I ask.

'Hey Lex, can you please clean up your mess in the kitchen? I'd like it done during the next commercial' - a reasonable request in my opinion.

She didn't even look away from the TV when I started talking to her.

*clears his throat* 'I know you heard me...please look at me when I'm talking to you.'

No response from her...she's really trying hard to make it seem like she didn't hear me. I played a card my mother used on me oh-so-many times in the past~I turned off the TV, stood in front of her, arms crossed. Miss 'tude decides she's going to stage a formal protest in the form of mimicking my arms and proceeds to shut her eyes...wrong choice.

Fortunately for me, she's still light enough for me to carry her over my shoulder. Surprising, she didn't put up a fight, nor say a word when I moved her over to the chair in the other room.

'You can stay there until you're ready to clean up your mess. And next time I speak to you, I expect you to stop what you're doing and respond to me. ' Gawd, I'm starting to sound like my parents!

I've found the solitary chair to be very effective with her...didn't work for shit with the little boy, he was always much more challenging to punish. Thankfully, it really doesn't take her a long time before she softens up and becomes my precious darling once again.

Sure enough, about 10 minutes after planting her backside in that chair, she came to me with news of a clean kitchen and asked politely if she could go back to watching toons. She's going to be a dangerous kind of diplomat someday...you have all been forewarned!

At least it's Tuesday...

Yeah...that makes it 4 more days till my weekend starts again. Hope you all had a nice long weekend.