The strangest conclusions...

seem to hit me when I least expect them. Here's the situation as I see it...

I've recently had a friend's grandparent pass away and as a result of such an event, I'm filled with empathy for him and his family. His family is going through much of the problems people have when they're trying to distribute a loved one's estate. He asked me to help him do a few things while he was working on the funeral arrangements and it's had a very unusual effect on me.

Death has always effected me like this...it forces me to look at Life and appreciate what I have. In the same respect, it also tends to heal wounds in ways I could only hope to achieve through months of time. Without divulging too much, I think i've really made some ground on letting go of my grudges. Life's too short to waste my time on hating people who have no bearing on the direction of my life.

'Oh yeah...this is what I used to do before Gaming...'

I found myself saying that when the source of my social interaction failed to work all yesterday. Yes, I was nerd without a home for the majority of the day yesterday due to some upgrades being made to my habit/hobby/addiction. It happens every time they release a patch and this one was one of the buggiest yet. There's also been a nasty rumor that Blizzard oversold their limited bandwidth and as a result of this, the latency on the realm servers makes the game nearly unplayable (we still play it, we just complain about the 'lag' more often). This rumor seems to be correct because everyone is having this problem.

Some Background...

For the last 5 years, I have been an online gaming addict. It started innocently enough but the pull was eye candy and the activity offered human interaction as well. For someone stuck in a flat farming town, this was what I needed to expand my social realm. This every day habit/hobby of mine has led me down a very dark path in my life, but it's also been something of a saving grace in the same way.

Yesee, I had no ambition to go out and meet people, nor did I care about anyone outside my own home. The gaming community got me talking to people again only to discover that I need human interaction in any form to survive life. On the other hand, it was so addictive, I found myself neglecting to pay any reasonable attention to my wife and kids~horrible, I know... I stopped beating myself up about it a while ago, but that's another story.

Back to what I did before gaming and why I can't watch TV for more than 30 minutes at a time...

So, as I was cursing the name of Blizzard and browsing various websites, I tried to remember what I did for entertainment before I had started my gaming habit. I used to be a TV addict before that and it used to be my source of entertainment.

An old roommate and I used to have shows we'd watch religiously and the ones that we couldn't see, we recorded them on Videotape. Melrose Place, Bev90210, and Friends were shows I had to have on a regular basis. I remember they were the source of entertainment for me during those times. I also remember doing other things including a lot of Console gaming and the visitation to specific Bars in the La Jolla region.

The habit formerly known as TV

Recently, I spent an evening at a close friends' house while they were watching their 'shows'. The shows they watched were full of stars I knew from previous sitcoms/dramas, but the situations were just the same as they were when I oogled over the eye candy. I could only take about 30 minutes of the TV, which is about how much time it usually takes for me to get bored and move onto something else.

Sorry TV, the internet has spoiled me...you can't have me anymore unless you bring back Firefly (Serenity) and start airing BattleStar Galactica on nights I don't raid.

The weekend was uneventful and relaxing...

all at the same time. Although it rained the whole freaking weekend, I enjoyed the presence of my children for a few days and got to cook for them. The boy seems to be an eating machine and my daughter is now classified as my personal Video Game Cheerleader (sans the pom-poms).

Their acclimation with the new roommates was interesting because I know neither one of them (my roommates that is..) have not been around children very often (since their own childhood). I was happily surprised to see that they all got along very well. The roomies are kind, generous, and have proven to me that they will all get along nicely for any future weekends.

I bought gifts for them while I was in JapanTown the week before. They were small tokens of my affection, but I put some thought into them. For the boy, I got him a T-Shirt with an obnoxious logo (very anime though)...for the little girl, I got her a kittycat backpack. I've never seen either one of those things and I figure my kids haven't either. Thankfully, they were both very pleased with their gifts. Go me!

Unfortunately, it rained all weekend, so we didn't really get a chance to explore the surroundings just yet. The kids definitely discussed how much swimming they're going to do when it's warm enough to do it. For them, they could go swimming all year around and it wouldn't phase them....can't say I blame them because I can still remember wanting to go do it all the time when I first learned.

All-together, I'd say the weekend was what I needed with them. Next week, I'll be sure to have a more clear plan of what we can do so we're not stuck in the house. Let's hope it doesn't rain the next time they come out.

Writing when all you wanna do is whine...

has been something I reserved for my Livejournal, but I wont bore you with my gripes about things I've often found to be trivial when I looked at them later. This could be why I abandoned LJ like I do with everything I'd prefer not to look at every day and think, 'Hey, look what I did!'.

The 'Dark Stuff', I reserve for another time and place or perhaps lurking on a saved draft that will never ever be posted. Like any sentimental (emphasis on the 'mental') garbage, I have a hard time throwing it away forever.

Normally, when I'm in a sour mood, the people around me know it and often try to cheer me up. I guess it's a little disconcerting to see someone you know who is normally upbeat and positive down in the dumps. It requires energy to fake being in a decent mood so you don't have to fight off questions of people asking you what's wrong...but I just don't have that kind of energy today.

I'd talk about what's bothering me, but this isn't my livejournal and I think today, I'll spare you all the demons and hellfire boiling within me. Sure it's really unhealthy of me to keep it contained, but it's really for my own good. Once I go find a quiet place to go scream for a few hours, things will return to normal and I can go back to faking contentment.

Nothing nice to say...

Mom said it best even though I don't recall my mother every saying it to me directly. This was just something I think I knew when I was younger, but just didn't really adhere to it until I got humiliated enough to know when to keep my mouth shut. I think I was about 19 when I entered what I call the 'true' workforce. Before this age, I had no idea what it was to be quiet about something, especially when it might potentially get a laugh out of someone. Little did I know that others might not find it so amusing, nor did I even imagine the repercussions of what I said reflecting on my overall treatment. Let's just summarize my trample through the social mores by saying that I learned a lot about keeping my mouth shut while working at that job.

I should invent a device, maybe a transparent sound-proof bubble where you can put someone if they're being excessively nasty. When I say 'nasty', I don't mean they're disgusting in any way, I meant that they are like me today where I have nothing but mean things to say about everything. Like a portable 'time-out' device that you can use on Adults as an alternative to holding them down and doing raspberries on their stomachs. I'd call it the 'Bitch-in-a-bubble'...I'll make millions then I can buy all the love I need *cracks a smile*.

'They make me feel so bad...'

This is a lyric from the song 'Little Girls' (by Oingo Boingo) I think of when I have to deal with the stupid games some women like to play. My least favorite is the 'I feel bad for the guy, so I'll just try to let him down easy'. This principal, although quite considerate of them, annoys me to no end. If ever I get the feeling that they're 'just being nice' to me, I try to offer them a way out which usually makes them go away even if that's not their intention to string me along.

The latest addition to my phone, a young waitress (23), is beginning to give me that feeling. I met her while she was at work on St.Patty's day. I had more than my share of drinks that evening, but I think I would've flirted with her (and winked) anyway. Practice makes perfect, right? Anyhow, by the time we finished the meal and were sorting out the check, another waitress, a friend of said young waitress, walked up to me and informed me that her friend wanted me to have her number. On this slip of paper, was her friend's name and a phone number. I walked out of that place with a big stupid grin on my face and went back to celebrating drunk people day (otherwise known as St.Patty's day).

My mistake was calling her that evening. I explicitly remember her friend telling me what time she got off work, which I took as a hint to call her later. I've learned by now that calling a girl the night you get their number is a huge faux pas and screams of 'desperate', but this was a special case indeed and when you have a few more 'Guinness and carbombs' than normal, you tend to get brave. I didn't take it too personally when she informed me that she couldn't believe her friend would do that, but in retrospect, I should've paid more attention to the neon hint that she wasn't interested. I pressed on and we made it through some awkward conversation to pass about 20 minutes of time. I felt reinforced in my decision and asked her what she was up to this weekend. She had work, but didn't seem to make any claims of plans.

The next day, I called her in the afternoon around 4-ish and left a voicemail informing her that I was in Japantown (San Francisco baby!) and would be making it back to town sometime in the early evening. When I returned stuffed from Okinome-yaki [Oak-uh-know-me-yock-ee] and hot Asian girls, I called her once again because well...I guess I miss the early warning signs and let my penis do the thinking for me. Big surprise, she didn't call me back until the next day while she was at work. We talked only briefly, but she definitely made it sound like she had plans that day (that didn't involve me).

*Long pause*

I'll stop for a moment to say what a great thing blogs are for introspection and you'll quickly learn that I am way too over-analytical for my own good...but I digress (which I do quite a bit too). Just from me telling this story I know she's probably kicking her friend a dozen times a day for 'giving that drunk guy' her phone number. It's pretty amusing actually, but I have a really dark sense of humor sometimes...get used to it.

I waited a few more days until I called her again (yesterday) around 2pm. I dislike being a nuisance to people I just met, so I try to give them as much space as possible unless they say or act otherwise. I left her a 'short and sweet' voicemail inquiring if she had any plans that evening and haven't heard anything back from her. I don't expect a call back, but just in case she does, I intend to make sure her friend wasn't just being proactive.

Another day, another deleted phone number from my speed-dial. *sigh* I'm getting used to it, so I take it in stride and get back in the saddle.

I'll now add this to an ever growing list of dating faux pas that shouldn't ever be repeated (unless you really know/love the game):

• Don't call her the same night you get her phone number, even if her friend gives it to you.

Think i'll recreate a list of "no-no's" from an old LJ post. I love lists, they fucking rock.

Please stop using my head as a Soccer ball...

and I promise to never say any passive aggressive things anymore..Ever.

Since the soccer players have only stopped kicking my head around only when I apply aspirin vigorously, I have decided to take back my promise. Fuck you guys, have some Gatoraid and go kick someone else's skull please.

I have not had a migraine in a while, but I'm definitely remembering the feeling of hating everything but sleep and silence. I'm trying to remember what I did to get this horrible of a headache. Since Saturday, there's been a stabbing pain in the back of my head, just behind my right ear. It's not there all the time, just every 30 to 90 seconds and the only thing that gives me relief is aspirin. My tolerance for pain meds is remarkably low, so some Tylenol is really all I need to make it so I'm not an irritable bitch.

Being sick really isn't my forte'... I'm much better at complaining about how much pain I happen to be experiencing. Suprisingly, I have kept my sense of humor despite the persisting condition. I've had close friends slap me around (proverbially speaking) and tell me to go see a doctor, but I honestly think this has to do with my sore neck and upper back.

I have a friend's girlfriend that will be able to rub my back and~OMFG she does a fantastic job at it. She's cheap too...all I have to do is offer to give her a footrub or my special 'skull massage'. The only drawback, however is that her boyfriend, one of my closest friends, has to sit there and listen to her moan and groan while my hands are firmly attached to her. His girlfriend and I have fun with it because we've grown to be close enough to have a Brother/sister type attitude. She gives me dating tips and strokes my ego while I compliment her on how nicely her pinstripe pants fit her...particularly in the rear. *smirk*

The importance of Ego Stroking among friends...

Admittedly, I have grown fond of her in a way that we mutually stroke eachothers' egos. It's one thing hearing from the one who loves you (like a spouse or a boyfriend/girlfriend), but hearing it from others really makes a difference. She reminds me that I'm charming and still good with the ladies, and I am allowed to make comments about her hotness without getting her boyfriend's evil eye. I think he realizes that he inadvertently reaps the rewards of my ego fluffing or he really trusts me...probably both.

Support personnel like this are highly important if your ego requires as much maintenance as mine does. I probably sound really high maintenance, but the truth of the matter is that I get ego strokes without asking for them, so until they go away, I'm stubbornly placing myself in the opposite end of the scale.

Keeper of dirty laundry

I promise that you don't have to worry about me falling for her because I have become her confidant. As much as I despise this role, it's one that I accept with people that trust me enough to tell me their secrets. Their trust in me thereby keeps my mouth shut out of respect and loyalty to them.

My mentor was a life-long military guy with a history that made my head spin, my skin crawl, and my heart grow just a little darker. He shared many personal stories with me as well as ones he experienced in the field. I never knew it at the time, but I think he appreciated that I never viewed him in any different light regardless of what he told me. Keeping his secrets would be the only way I could ever repay him for his wisdom besides offering him my friendship. It didn't occur to me until later that I was repaying him by listening to him divulge things he probably didn't tell many others. Getting the really dirty things off your conscience is a world of relief and I finally knew that I helped in some way. I haven't spoken to him in a long time, but his memory still influences me in many ways.

The burden of other peoples' secrets really isn't as cumbersome as you would think. Being that I am detached from it, it's just another thing I stuff in the back of the cluttered filing cabinet known as my mind.

All I see are Little Green Men...

Since I stopped smoking pot, I can remember my dreams again. It's really strange because It didn't occur to me that I forgot them until just recently. Also unusual is that I no longer have the horrible daydreams I complained about in the past. An old livejournal post of mine detailed grim images of my children's deaths~truly haunting would be an understatment. Fortunately, it's been a long time since I heard myself say, 'Think of something else Toby', which usually means I'm dwelling on something that brings me down.

When I initially started writing this post, it was near St. Patrick's Day, so I had intended to drink the night away until I saw little green men. Only part of that was true however, and I'll let you decide which it was that actually happened.

I have been too busy getting acclimated in my new environment to update my blog...I know..BAD TOBY! Someone want to volunteer to punish me?

Swallow isn't just a bird species.

Sometimes my job wears my patience very thin...and today is definitely not an exception.

How would you like to work in an environment where you're expected to be 'the authority' on something that you haven't received anything resembling formal training on a daily basis? Well, that's also part of my job. As much as I love the ego boost of 'being the Authority', it frustrates me to no end. No amount of bitching seems to change this about my department.

Understanding that we have set the standard for them to assume that we can handle everything they throw our way, I suppose I have no right to be annoyed about it...but I am.

Today, I was told that we're Supporting a new product that I've never heard of prior to be informed of it. This is typical of our Management Team that has the uncanny ability to whore us out to anyone that waves money our way. My boss looked at me straight-faced and said, 'This is what you get paid to do'. Well how-a-fucking-bout-that? I never realized my contract meant making the square peg fit into the triangular hole. What amazes me is that the individuals (Management) that are saying, 'Yeah, our guys can do that!' have no quark of an understanding of anything we do. It's apparent to us by now that they have an equal amount of sympathy, which sets my blood on fire when we see something like this.

Heeding my mother's words (of 'If you don't have anything nice to say...'), I have been sitting here fuming and smoldering over this since I arrived this morning. My coworkers have noticed that I am not my normal cheerful self and have even commented about how quiet I am today. Although I have not openly informed them of how furious I am about this, they all know that they need to avoid me when I am exceptionally quiet.

Could this be a sign that I need a new career? *shrugs* I excel at very few things and going back to College is something of a wet dream for me (without all the messy cleanup). In the mean time, I'll do as my manager suggested and 'suck it up' like a good little Support Whore.

What I do for a living...
sometimes, can be very complicated, but I'll explain it anyway because it's changed my perspective on the internet and where we're going as a species.

The term 'Abuse' refers to the misuse of the internet service, which is broken down into a few different categories:

• SPAM - This refers to all junk email whether it's mail sent from a hacked box, or intentionally sent by old fashioned email advertisers. Virus related SPAM also fits under this category, and is pretty much what I deal with on a regular basis.
• Copyright Infringement - The Digital Millennium Copyright Act was the beginning of a gigantic boner for Lawyers everywhere. This act pretty much created a whole new chapter in our legal system and if you listen closely, you can hear the wheels of the Judgicial system creaking a bit slower. As a summary, anyone that makes any music/media they don't own by law must be notified to cease and desist.
• Hacking/Illegal Entry - This is the age of information after all...and it's becoming more valuable than gold. People that collect data are the worst kind of scum in the world. I hear they eat babies.
• Miscellaneous - There are a number of things that fall under this category. I rarely ever have to deal with this category, and when I do, I have to consult the devil (our Legal team).

Think of me as the Law enforcement at my job. I don't exactly enforce 'law', but I do happen to swing around a list of rules also known as an 'Acceptable Use Policy'. This 'AUP', for short (we fucking love Acronyms), is the legal agreement we make with our customers whenever they sign up for our service. The parameters of said legal agreement are pretty simple: Don't piss anyone off and we wont have to disconnect your Internet Service. Given my former problem with authority figures, I have now become what I used to despise...kind of ironic in a way.

My job entails reviewing any complaints we've had about one of our customers and then making them aware of the activity. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? It can be, but only if they have competency in basic security. Otherwise, I spend some of my time educating the 'lesser informed' ones on what's expected of them as one of our customers. On a rare occasion, I get some self-righteous egotistical asshat that tells me how many neat pieces of paper he has on his wall (elaborating on why he should be considered an 'Expert') when I ask him who the Administrator of their Network might be. Fortunately, since I'm the authority figure, I only need to wave the 'disconnect' button in front of their big fat heads to get them to comply.

Although 'Abuse' is my primary function, I have a number of other things I'm responsible for doing in addition to that. I also have to roll up my sleeves and put on my happy Customer Service face, but that certainly happens much less nowadays.

I had a point to this post, but unfortunately, my 'slacking time' at work has now expired, so I'll continue this later when I can bore you with details. More to come!

So very thankful...

...That I chose not to hit the 'Publish Post' on Saturday night. Normally, when I have been drinking, I'll think of something that really sounds great and be tempted to share it with others. Thankfully, I wasn't drunk enough to over-ride this function of my personality. Perhaps I've had too long of a history with Drugs and Alcohol to fully believe that the 'Gems of knowledge' I have at the time usually end up being 'something I came up with while totally smashed'? That, and the fact that I didn't post what I vaguely remember, are the things I'm thankful for today.

'Drunk posting' reminds me of 'Drunk Dialing', except no amount of negotiation can take back a phone call. If phone conversations had a 'delete' button, I might be more tempted to participate in them more often. Thankfully, I have not 'Drunk Dialed' anyone...atleast, not to my knowledge.

Moving on...
My daughter turned the big Ocho this weekend. I gave her some fun trinkets (one very nostalgic toy in particular) and a Kelly Clarkson CD. Not a lot, but it's really hard shopping for a little girl that wants everything she sees on TV. Apparently, her 'all girl' weekend was a smashing success by the fact that there were party streamers and candy littered across the house (when I took the boy home).

The Boy and I hung out all weekend at my new place. He's in love with the place and pretty much informed me that he wants to live with me. I know he's thinking that it'll be like every weekend I spend with them~full of fun and interesting things to do, but I've explained otherwise. At his age, he needs stern discipline more than anything. I'm totally prepared to have him in my daily life again, but I don't think he fully realizes that I am nothing like his mother when it comes to lifestyle. It will be a challenge I look forward to taking when the time comes considering he is 'testing' me (and others) as much as he can right now.

One major concern I have is that his mother may not be too stoked about the significantly less amount of money she'll receive if he does happen to live with me. My relationship with his mother has been nothing but exemplary (in a good way) so far, but I foresee this to be an obstacle in gaining her approval. I realize that I could just say, 'The kid's coming with me and there's nothing you can do about it', but I prefer this to be a mutual decision.

The Ex and I...
agreed a long time ago that our kids were the most important things in our lives. This agreement has produced a pretty ideal relationship with very few things for us to complain about. Since our separation (do I get points for spelling this correctly?), the Ex and I have been on very cordial terms. I attribute her continuing cooperation to her current boyfriend. We'll call him 'Ricardo' because I lack the originality to pick out a more appropriate name. Ricardo and I get along famously even though background-wise, we have almost nothing in common (with the exception of our on/off dating with Mary Jane). Ricardo keeps her in line and doesn't seem to put up with some of her more annoying quirks, so he's all good in my book. My kids adore him too, which is a huge bonus. I'm sure I'll rave about him later when I find the time.

That's enough random rambling for me today. Thanks for stopping in!

Speaking of Dating faux pas...

What day would be complete without a Craig's list reference?

There are times, as a gamer, that I feel like a social retard when it comes to dating, but this guy is really the epitome of what I hope to never become.

'Faux pas' splained:

While trying to remember how 'Faux pas' is spelled, I stumbled upon a very informative Wikipedia reference of various international faux pas. If I were a woman, I would want to have Wikipedia's love child. Enjoy!

I'm sure this will reek of compost after I get through with it.

Thanks for coming and seeing another piece of my cyberspace...yes, cyberspace is mine.

Normally, I find interesting things to say, but according to a recent unsober conversation with one 'snooty' English Chick, I'm an 'ignorant American'. How about that? Hey momma, I'm ignant! *tard-claps*

How did she make this conclusion?

Hm, if memory serves, she started a conversation about World Politics (speaking of Compost!) and I brushed her off like I would with anyone that wanted to talk about shit I find to be completely unimportant.

Before I continue, I should explain some things about my political history...

I lost interested with Politics at a relatively early age...I'd say sometime after I found out that my father voted 'Republican' for the sole reason that he registered as one (thanks Pa!). To give you an idea how long ago this was, the last time I voted, Clinton won for the first time. I'd love to calculate that year for you, but honestly, it's all a freaking blur to me.

*clears his throat* Well, back to the story...

So, said English chick finds out why I turn a blind eye to the world, and proceeds to tell me how typical it is for an American to be as arrogant and selfish as I had demonstrated. I'm always down for a battle of words, especially when I know I can win (let's face it, who wants to get their ego deflated?), so I rolled up my sleeves and prepared for a fight. Given the amount of drinks I had that evening, the specific words we exchanged were lost to history, but I can summarize her audacity.

The whole conversation revolved around why I didn't care about the rest of the world like (as she explains) I should. Since I had kids, I've had this ever dwindling interest in the things 'out of my control' in the world. It's survival instinct and my kids are, in fact, more interesting to me than anything else going on in the world.

Frankly, with all the bullshit that goes on in the world, I'm happy to ignore it all. Occasionally, I get a friend or two that sends me an article about an event they believe I should know about and humor them. Usually, it's a very keen reminder as to why I continue to promote my own ignorance. What great friends I have! *wink*

The conversation finally ended when her very tolerant husband popped in and introduced himself. To my suprise, her attitude totally changed when said hubby approached...almost like she would've gotten in trouble if he found out she was badgering me. This once-bitchy foreigner now stood beside me with her arm in mine as if she'd known me for decades. The look of contempt on my face proved to be enough for her husband to speak up.

'Has she been bothering you?' He asked, eyebrows arched in concern.

I looked at her for a moment, deliberately moved my eyes to her feet, then to her face, and replied with a very smug look, 'No, I don't think that's possible'.

I figured my reply was effective in doing two things: scoring favor with the shrew I just got done arguing with, and I effectively let her know that she didn't get to me. I win both ways...isn't that great?

Right...now that I'm finished rambling, I'd like to thank you for stopping by to smell the..uh..compost.