'Hello. To hoo it may concern'

This is a comment that caught my eye in response to this article. You may have to scroll a little bit to read this nugget of ignorancewisdom, but I assure you, it's worth it. It just really begs the question;

'Our we doing enuff too enshoor are kids are safe from ignorants?'

Haha, it hurt me to write that, almost as much as it amused me. What can I say? I amuse myself from time to time.

Black Friday is something I do my best to stay far, far away from if I can help it. You could say I was fearful of my life and, in a way, I am. I've heard enough horror stories and been witness to enough of the days leading up to December 25th to keep me highly reluctant to venture near a shopping facility. Hell, even going to the Supermarket makes me a little twitchy around the holidays.

Fortunately for me, I have plenty of things to distract me from my usual holiday humbugs. I suppose that once I get settled in, things will start to slow down for me and then I can take a minor break from it all. If all goes well, I anticipate this might happen sometime early next year. This is an honest forecast, and maybe because the new year always brings relief from the pressure of the Shopping season.

My move will likely happen within the next week and I can't remember the last time I ever looked forward to moving. This time is no exception, of course. Here's the last complaint you'll hear from me (until I move again); 'Moving sucks.'

Questioning the LJBF issue

So it's been less than a week since I broke things off with Pebbles and it she's already moved onto the next guy. This is something that shouldn't bug me, but i'd be big, fat dirty liar if I said otherwise. On Myspace, she blatantly has changed her status to 'In a relationship' and leaves her new man 'I love you' caliber messages on his comment page as a daily occurrance. Seriously?!!?

Sure you're right for criticising me for even having a myspace page still, but that's not really the point i'm driving at here. I can't believe just how close I was to having Pebbles say the 'L' word to me that early in our relationship. If she had, I think I would've known by then that she wasn't the woman for me.

And exactly when do I think is a good time to say the 'L' word? Shit, I dunno...I've always felt weird about when I should say it, especially if I've just met the woman. Is a month of constant exposure long enough to say it? Probably not. 2 months then? I guess it would depend on how strong the bond is between me and the other person.

Presently, I love (including my Mother, Sisters, and my daughter) only a few women. I have at least 3 female friends that I consider to be worthy of bearing my children, but fortunately (for them), they're all emotionally unavailable. I truly feel love in my heart for them because I both admire and adore them. They got under my skin without asking for it and nothing they can do will ever change that. Even if my friendship means I never get to sample what their bodily fluids taste like, I'm content with our respective relationships.

What these 3 have in common is that they were all very honest about what they wanted with me. I wont say I wasn't a little hurt that they didn't want to exchange bodily fluids, but hey, at least I get to really see what they're like on the inside.

Another female friend of mine shared some wisdom with me recently, and I really like how it sounded. She explained that she believes that everyone has more than one person that can be their 'perfect match'. Leaving your heart open to love more people is a hard thing to do, but the rewards are worth it when you take the risk.

I guess what I'm driving at is that I do think love can develop pretty early in a relationship, but how to differentiate that from infatuation is the trick. I believe I was infatuated with Pebbles, but it wasn't enough for me to overlook our obvious differences.

In the end, looking back, and seeing how things are at present, I'm still glad I broke things off before they got too complicated. I have taken this experience and have further narrowed down my idea of the perfect woman. It's still a win, people, even if I don't get free sex anymore.

Saturday Night

That evening, I went to Oakland to spend some time with a close friend. We met up with her in the evening at a Sushi Bar that also happened to have a 'bottomless' glass of Sake (I still get weak in the knees thinking about it..) policy. Not only was the food awesome, but I fell in love with at least two women at the table while finishing my 1 glass of Sake. It's true I only drank 1, but I should also mention that there was a waiter entirely dedicated to keep everyone's glass full of Sake. He's a bastard.

By the time we finished the Sake, I was well beyond the point of knowing my whereabouts much less the direction I was corralled. We eventually made it to a bar that was somehow familiar to me (I discovered the next day that I had been there before) and I ordered only one more drink. This was that 'threshhold drink' I refer to previously that just sends you beyond the range of remembering the whole evening clearly. I remember pockets of the evening where I was talking to actual females and discussing a whole plethoric amount of topics, then the bar suddenly closed and I had no clue where my friends had gone. Surely we've all had nights like this?

For the next 3 hours, I wandered the streets trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get home without my ATM card (which I discovered later had been left at the Bar I was at earlier) or cash. Eventually, I found my way to my friend's place without injury other than my pride. I slept soundly knowing it could've turned out much worse if I had stayed on the street longer.

Sunday Morning/Afternoon/Evening

When I woke up at my friend's house, I silently breathed a sigh of relief to my fortune (of surviving the evening unscathed) and repeatedly expressed my appreciation for the un-announced request for refuge. He's cool like that (I call him Trey Cool because he is that cool), and even loaned me $20 to grab breakfast while I waited for the Bar to open (so I could get my ATM card back).

I signed my name on the reservation list with a '1' next to my name (to define how many were eating at the table) and waited outside patiently for them to call me. In that time, I was asked by a young woman if my name was 'Norman'. She was checking to see if I was the name they called, but I used this opportunity to strike up a conversation. Off the subject slightly, I read some random advice recently and decided to comply with it (It suggested I should 'take a chance to strike up a conversation with a random person'). The result was a very brief, interesting conversation with a comely stranger. After about 20 minutes, we noticed more and more people being brought into the cafe without such as word from the person maintaining the list. Eventually, we confronted the host and asked him where we were on the order of things. Dipshit apologized for not calling either of our names and said there were two tables available. I'm glad we said something otherwise we would've had to entertain eachother unnecessarily.

On impulse, I asked her to join me for lunch since we had just spent a great deal of time chatting. She accepted without much of a struggle (I'm totally charming like that) and we proceeded to continue our conversation, face to face.

We talked about everything from seasonal Holidays (Xmas, Thanksgiving, and other lesser mentionable religeous Holidays) to our reasoning for where we chose to call 'home'. Needless to say, I enjoyed her company and presumably, she did as well.

She had what I thought might be an engagement ring on her left 'ring' finger, but never, once, mentioned that she was unavailable. Usually, women will let you know if they're available or not, right? I've met uninterested women in the past and they quickly let you know they're 'taken'. I got the feeling that it might just be some way to keep unwanted attention to her, but admittedly, I was too chickenshit to ask for her number when it came time to say 'goodbye'.

I figured it was enough to ask her to have lunch with me and the thought of having a 'no' in my seemingly perfect afternoon would've sullied it in some way. And now I'm thinking I should've asked for it. What did I have to lose?

Before we departed, I told her I would see her again on 'Missed Connections' and thanked her for her company. Here's what I wrote the next evening with the hope of hearing from her again. I don't expect her to contact me, but it would be nice to see her beautiful blue eyes again.

Seriously though

I was pleasantly surprised by an envelope I received today. It was soooo completely unexpected, but oh-my-did-I-need-this! From out of nowhere, my state tax return shows up. WTF? Not that I'm complaining because holy shit, I can't believe the timing.

Sofa king awesome.

That..is..all.

I only have 6 minutes...

to finish this post because I am rocking out to a song on my headphones. I feel that if I stop now, I'll lose momentum and the inspiration will be gone then this post will suck. Please, let's not allow this post to suck because I have much to say and only 5 minutes left to splain. So, sit back, get comfortable, and indulge in my wordsmithing whilst I rhythmically bob my head to this song. Nevermind the song or the flakes of awesome coming from my skull, just read. Autographs will be signed after this jam.

Damn, too much embellishment killed the post. Time's up.

Press 'Start' to begin

Tomorrow, I will be punching the proverbial clock as I start my new job. This last week has been agonizing as I wait to join the ranks and become employee number 49. Yes, you're reading this correctly, I'll be employee number 49.

I anticipate the next few months to be challenging like all new jobs. It's been several years since I was the 'new guy', but I'm so ready to do this, I will embrace every hurdle like it's a long lost favorite relative. It will have been almost an entire year since I was in a support related role, but this isn't all that daunting.

Am I eager to get things rolling? You bet your sweet ass I am. Bring it hither!

My Least Favorite Acronym: LJBF

I've always said that one of the worst phrases to hear as a guy is 'Let's just be friends'. Let's not, shall we? Hehe, not so much the case now that i've had a chance to use it myself.

I finally broke down this weekend and told Pebbles the truth. It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but shortly thereafter, she was reinforcing my decision with her own conclusions. Neither one of us were really willing to change, nor were we asking the other to do so. Change happens from your own choice and shouldn't be influenced by others unless you're doing it for yourself (in the end~no pun intended). It was a relief to have it all out in the open like that and that alone was worth the cost of possibly hurting her. Fortunately, like two mature adults, we recognized that there shouldn't be so many obstacles to go through this early in the courting process and agreed to try to be friends.

Unless she decides to stop living the Christian lifestyle, I don't think we'll ever go beyond the friend-zone, which is okay by me. I have room in my heart for another friend, even if we don't agree on religion, or music, or settling in the same geographic areas, or general hobbies, or .

The end.

Keeping it publicly private

I recently did a search for 'Tobiwan' on Google and was surprised how difficult it was to find this blog. It feels good knowing that finding my blog requires knowing more about me than just my name. Eventually, I did stumble upon it, but it was several pages into my search. Does anyone even stick around for that long? Not me and I consider myself a pretty patient person.

After much consideration, I don't think I'll share this information with Pebbles. It wouldn't matter if I did give her the link at this point, especially with how I'm feeling about continuing this attempt-at-having-a-relationship. If she did happen to read any of this, I think some of my comments would hurt her feelings. Yes, here I go worrying about others, but I can't help but feel empathetic towards her. Rejection, as many of you know, never sits well in my conscience.

Having to tell her will be painful and I'm not sure she'll even want to be friends with me afterwards. That will be the most I could hope for at this point; her friendship, I mean. This feels like a selfish decision, but when another person's feelings are involved, I can see it as equally selfless.

Oh well, *sigh*...time to suck it up.

Wish I could say...

that things were going better with Pebbles, but that'd be a lie. We've already had some hurdles get in our way and I'll admit neither one of us has handled it with very much agility. It seems that our conversations are getting less and less full of substance like they were initially. Lately, I feel like when we're on the phone that I can't wait to end our conversations.

This evening, for example: We're on the phone and she's on her computer at the same time. Our conversation consisted of several instances of prolonged silence. I'm not a huge fan of the phone, nor am I an advocate of prolonged silences, so I trying to find things to talk about. Big mistake because I just start picking topics at random. Why talk on the phone if you're not going to say shit? And texting? Someone please shoot me.

I feel like I'm trying to swim against the current sometimes. Especially with the floundering conversation. Should it require this much work? I can't seem to remember it being this hard to like someone.

I get the impression that she's trying to push me away, but I'm not entirely sure why this is. She's admitted that her father pointed this out to her; that she is behaving as if she's trying to push me away. And the comments she makes to me about how little we have in common are sure signs that she's 'helping' me make this decision. If that's the case, then why do I feel guilty about being in silent agreement with her?

The fact remains that it's starting to make sense that we don't have a lot in common after all. I can't seem to like any of the music she's recommended (it all sounds the same to me). She's never smoked pot and makes contemptuous remarks about it whenever the subject comes up. She doesn't eat any seafood at all; how can you not like seafood?? There's a lot more that I could say, but it's all adding up to the same conclusion; compatability or lack thereof.

The hardest factor to ignore is that she's a new Christian and there's still the possibility she can choose that over me. I honestly believe that I'm no match for religion when it comes to relationships. To go much farther in this relationship and then finally be rejected because of her faith would seriously piss me off.

I feel that I should just get this over with and end things before it gets any more serious. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? I thought I was ready for a girlfriend, but now that I have one, why do I want to give her back? I know what I need to do, but it doesn't make this any easier for me to tell her.

*sigh* To be continued....

Damage Control

Have I already mentioned that the process of damage control is not one of my favorite activities? Well, there's a good reason for it, especially when the situation is still very new to me.

Pebbles and I talked about things after a prolonged delay on my part to call her. It was immature, yes, but I was not wanting to hear the words 'let's end this', hence my delay. She's still very hesitant to move forward in this relationship, and I guess I can't fault her for it. She has every right to be cautious about accepting me into her life. For now, we've reverted back to our long conversations and pining, but I'm still feeling the sting of our religious conversation lingering.

Side note: I gave her the name Pebbles because that was the costume she was wearing when I first started talking with her. You're right Trix, it's time I gave her a name since she holds significance in my life.

We talked about our chat conversation and how it's something she's struggling with. Her logic is that, in the Christian world, the male figure is the focal point of a family. For lack of a better description, she worded it like they expect the male to be the one to lead by example. To further reinforce her point, it's not acceptable to date or marry to non-Christians. I can't say I completely agree with this and I also wont hide the fact that I am opposed to this way of thinking.

I can't ask her to choose between us (Me vs God), but I can see this as a potential roadblock to moving things forward. I know this is something she struggles with and I will support her choice regardless. Even if this means I'm not the one she chooses. I'm as prepared as I can be for such a choice, but it wont be any less painful. At this point, I'm hopeful and optimistic.

To Share or Not to Share

The subject of my Blog came up recently and Pebbles jokingly asked when I was going to give her the link. I winced when she said it and I answered honestly with a reluctant 'not right now'. She told me that she's very curious to know what I write about, but on the other hand, is afraid that something might show up as a 'deal breaker'.

Here's where I tell you that I'm now scared to share this with her as I know she may not appreciate my recent comments about religion. Here's also where I ask my readers for some advice since your viewpoints are important to me.

How would you approach this particular subject? Is it wise to expose this side of me to her this early in our relations?

I believe that, if I do decide to share this with her, I may not have to edit very much of this blog because only the last few weeks pertains to her. But what about the prospect of censoring myself? That's one of the down-sides to sharing this with her, and one that is weighing heavily upon my decision.

I'm thinking now I shouldn't have mentioned it, but blogging is as much apart of my life as anything. How could I not have shared that I'm a blogger?

*sigh* Rough times ahead people, but they're what we live for, right?

We'll see how things progress, shall we?

Maybe I didn't say this loud enough

but, I don't talk about the subject of religion for a very good reason; I simply don't think anything of it at all anymore. I call this 'indifference' to those that ask me about it, however, I do feel very strongly about my beliefs. So strong, in fact, that I don't want to discuss them with anyone but those I know would agree with me. For those that I know would not agree with me, I don't think they are capable of understanding my viewpoint, nor is it worth it getting into a discussion with them because of it. It's insulting, I'm aware of that...now you know why I don't talk about religion. Hah, maybe this says something about me, but at this point in my life, I don't give a shit what others think.

I'm indifferent to others' opinions of it, I guess. Does that make sense? I no longer care what other people believe which is why I don't share my viewpoints on it. This brings me to the reason I bring up this particular taboo subject; my prospective female interest brought up the subject of religion with me over chat (yes Trixie, I can't seem to get away from using this particular form of communications as much as I loathe it). Big mistake!

I'm not going to blame the alcohol I was drinking last night, nor will I say she caught me at a bad time because anytime is a bad time for me to discuss my political and religious viewpoints. I dunno if I 'won' the argument or not, but I still feel like it was a loss in general. Girl interest brought up the prospect of taking hypothetical children to church whereas I told her I wouldn't encourage or discourage it. I think it's pretty simple a concept, but she didn't seem to accept it as easily as I saw things. At the time, there were many occasions I was glad she couldn't see my eyes rolling at her.

Moving on, we didn't exactly end the evening feeling all warm and fuzzy. Things ended with her saying that there was nothing more to say and me wishing her a good night, then logging-the-fuck out of the chat client as quickly as possible. I doubt very seriously that this girl wants to continue with her relations with me, but I'm hoping she will see that I don't think any less of her for going to church, nor will I tell my children they can't believe in what they believe. Frankly, if she rejects me because of this, I'll be a little sad and that's about it.

Her point was that having a family that was divided was not something she wanted. Sorry babe...I am just not that concerned about it. When it comes to this particular subject, I'm an un-moveable object. Some would call it being 'close-minded' and they may be right about that, but it doesn't change my mind about it. On the same subject, I wont deny her the enjoyment of going, but I sure as hell do not plan on attending services of any kind in the near or far future.

Years ago, I rejected religion in my life because it was excess baggage that I just didn't want or have need for. Since that time, I tend to keep my mouth shut about it because it's not worthy of my time to discuss, especially with those that will never understand it. I'm repeating myself now, so I'll stop feeling guilty for how things turned out last night.

Dating women that were religious was once a big 'deal breaker', but nowadays, I am very accepting of others' beliefs. I'm respectful to their beliefs as I expect them to do the same for mine. Is this really that hard to comprehend?

I'm done feeling bad about this and now I'm absolutely pissy that I have to initiate damage control with current female interest because of it. Fuck, why do you females have to be so goddamn difficult? See why I was so content to be single for so long? You may be yummy to the touch and taste, but fuuuuuuck, is this really that important to get butthurt about?

Okay, rant over. We'll see how this turns out and rest assured you'll probably hear more about this. Yay me (no, not really)!

The grin upon my face

says that I had a very nice evening with my new female interest last night. I was supposed to drive to her place last night, but my car still had a flat from the previous night (when I attempted to visit her over the weekend) and let's face it, I'm broke. She was nice enough to offer to come to me and stay the night with me.

Off the subject slightly, we had a spat the night before about something that was taken out of context while we were chatting (text...is it really a surprise?). We are both so paranoid about relationships that I think we both didn't know what to do about it. Fortunately for me, she had a spot of reason and called me back before I finished a sulky self-pitying blogpost about it. I have now deleted it because it was utterly moronic of me to think that a petty disagreement could make her lose interest in me. Thankfully, as I mentioned before, she had the sense to convince me I was overthinking things.

Fast forwarding to last night, she arrived at 10-ish with a slight migrane and greeted me with a hug that seemed to last minutes. I made her hot chocolate since she said she wasn't all that hungry, then we cuddled up on the couch. The TV was on, but I couldn't find anything more interesting than her, so I turned it to some random music channel (go go cable music channels!). I don't remember how long it took us to start kissing, but once we got that over with, she seemed to relax considerably; like the hard part was over. I agree that once I kissed her, I felt comfortable with her and we began to embrace like we knew eachother for years. Gotta love chemistry!

I wont share all the details with you, but I will admit that my near-3-year drought is over. We both had a wonderful time and I'm thrilled to have a lover that enjoys pleasing as much as she likes to be pleased. She left with an equally incriminating grin and it took us about 30 minutes just to get her to her car this morning.

Hopefully, I wont have to wait long to see her again.

Training Sessions

As boring as this might sound, I will be involved in more training this week, specifically tomorrow. Unfortunately, I am not 'officially' starting yet, but they penciled me in to take a few Telephony related refresher sessions.

Yesterday's session was very thorough and also conducted by the company's COO (one of the two that interviewed me initially). I was very impressed with how much in-depth knowledge he had of the technology and history. This may bore you a bit, but he literally broke down the physics of how telephones work; something to provide a very solid foundation to understand. It also happens to be exactly what I need to fully support this technology and others derived from it.

While I was there yesterday, I sat down with the HR Admin and had a very nice conversation with her. Much like my current infatuation with a young woman I met recently, this job opportunity is a unique parallel to that situation. I'm equally enthusiastic about this job as my employers and I think this is going to be an excellent opportunity to prove myself.

I'm barely able to keep up with the kinds of changes that are happening now and will step up to handle the ones coming up in my immediate future. 'It's not permanent' is my current philosophy and it'll stay that way till I have my stability...which I predict should be about January.

That's all for now, thanks for stopping by!

'Leaving for Work'

I've longed to say this much like I've also longed to hear a woman say 'I want you' and both have happened pretty close together.

My head's a little 'spinny' this morning. Meaning I didn't get enough sleep last night (from a late night phone call with my recent female interest) and I'm excited about today being the first Training session of my new job.

Fortunately, things will be light today. See y'all later!