Needing a shrink

Today didn't seem to be any different than any other until I thought of her. I just let go and started thinking about why I can't seem to move on with my life. Needless to say, there's been an enormous amount of emotions that I have kept bottled up for a very long time. I'm only now feeling the seems begin to strain on the current load. Friends have also pointed out that I have been very volatile and passive aggressive lately...perhaps a breakdown is in order?

I need to release some pressure and have gone as far as take tomorrow and monday off. Hopefully a 4-day weekend will give me some much needed rest. I was only able to get Friday off, but I'm satisfied with that for now.

In the mean time, I'm desperate to find some relief from this dark cloud. I'd like to find an alternative to getting smashed every day so I could maybe save my body for another few years.

Some Good Stuff

I blame my lack of sleep for my unusually random thoughts. You have been warned.

Last night, I went out to a bar well past my bedtime. There were a number of scantily clad females and they were consuming alcohol...I wonder where i've seen this before. For the record, I didn't get laid, otherwise today's post would start with:

- Woohoo! I got some!
- I came and came again
- Don't mind the teeth marks on my neck
- The drought is over
- We fucked
- Mmmmm~Kitty!

Back to my semi-relevant story....So I was standing there in the bar looking around at all the younger folk enjoying themselves. It dawned upon me that I missed out on a lot of this activity when I was their age. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a quark of regret for having kids...it's just that I really felt like I grew out of it a while back.

The women were abundant and I talked to a few of them, but nothing really panned out beyond that. And all I have to show for last night is a noticeable dark shade under my eyes. Well...that and my conclusion: I'm really not missing anything from the Bar Scene.

This begs the question: Where else can I find the kind of Women I like if not at the Bar?

Some Bad Stuff

None to share. Thank you~drive through

Escape Velocity

At last, I've reached the speed necessary to escape your field,
For months now, I've been stranded and concealed,
The struggle to break your gravity has been a test of faith,
But well worth it considering I can finally leave this place,
While I rocket away toward unknown reaches,
I remember strolling along your pristine beaches,
Things seemed to be perfect while I called it home,
And I still wonder where it was I shouldn't have roamed,
The fuel I burned along the way seems quite trivial at this stage,
My agony doesn't seem so intense now that I have turned the page,
With my nose pointed at the stars, I know things will be okay,
Looking back to reminisce is not an option for me today,
Nor will it be until you're just a flickering light of memory.

I will eventually forgive her for not giving me a chance. For now, I'm stuck making up more metaphors on things I hope to achieve through time. Time, being the best healer of all, doesn't seem to be moving fast enough for me.

Fucking War

I know this started out as a Game, but it's starting to feel much like a volunteer Job. We raid almost every night of the week and I used really enjoy it until my libido started making formal complaints. Our major raids, the ones that include 40 participants, are normally being scheduled on the weekends, which limits my time to 2 weekends a month~not really the greatest for being able to contribute on a continuous basis. Normally, my kids are with me every other weekend, which I really enjoy, but there's just no freaking way I could manage a 4 hour raid in addition to making sure they stay out of trouble...no way.

Lately, I feel like I'm being penalized for not being available as much as I could be. Let's do some math shall we?

4 weeks are in a month...Which leaves me with 2 weekends per month to partake in weekend raiding...Plus my libido which demands that females must be propositioned on any time I have away from my kids (approximately 1.5 weekends per month)...and that leaves me with roughly .5 weekends to spend raiding with my 'nerdren' (Nerd Brethren). This officially puts me in the 'casual' gamer category. I guess I can live with this...maybe I should just find something else to do with my spare time?

In conclusion, perhaps this means that I need to take a break from doing it so much. An earlier thread pointed out what I used to do before I started gaming heavily, but I still haven't really figured out what I can do to make up for that time.

Exercise for the libido

Unfortunately, I don't mean I'll be exercising my libido in the visible future. I meant that I feel I need to go out and get much needed exercise. If I am to attract a worthy female, I think it would help to atleast show that I'm in prime breeding condition. The confidence I feel right now is rather limited and I believe that getting into shape will give me something to get my mind off of not getting laid.

One-track mind

Let's do some roleplaying, but this time, we'll leave the Nylon ropes and blindfold for another time.

Try to imagine being completely occupied with Sex for approximately 90% of your conscious time. You're awake, you see birds...you think 'sex with English Women'. You hear a car drive by, you think 'Road-head'. You hear about someone's funeral, you think, 'sex in a coffin is almost too kinky...almost.'. You talk to your friends about the recent Ball game, you think, 'Up to your balls in hot sweaty sex'. You're probably starting to see a pattern here...welcome to my fucking world!

Personally, I think it's because I started having sex at such a late age. It could also be that I had a twin sister that liked to invite her Soccer friends over to use the pool so often, but I'm not gonna go pointing fingers. See how easily I digressed from talking about outright fucking flame-war to soccer girls? Yes, I probably could use a good shrink...maybe she's got a comfy couch?

Yo-Yo Intolerance

I write this while I have $50+ yo-yo's wizzing by my head...all in the attempts to disrupt my very important time sink known as 'my blog'. Yes, a handful of my coworkers have invested money in an ever-growing fad (that I'll never understand why exists).

I'm sure some of them are extremely talented at making it go in a variety of directions including 'Up and down', 'In your face', 'Behind your back', etc. Good game motherfuckers!

Boys and their Toys

The environment I work in is quite unique, and it never fails to amaze me what sort of things the techs (myself included) use to occupy themselves from the madness of providing over-the-phone support to a mish-mash of individuals.

If you stick around for a few minutes, you'll likely see one of the Techs wiz by on a foot-driven razor scooter. Our management team hasn't really addressed this directly, so I can only assume that this is acceptable office behavior. Did I say 'office'? Well, on the outside, it looks like one...thank gawd for tinted glass!

Above my desk, I have my much needed 'anger mitigation' devices;

- My VooDoo Doll Revenge Book - Includes manual, 7 pins, and a VooDoo Doll
- My 'stabbing' fork given to me by my son because I 'bring home the bacon'
- My Rubber chicken in case I wanna throw something
- My Globe shaped piggy bank with the obligatory 'Tips' post-it on the front.

Also in my immediate area;

- My horribly stained coffee mug which I use to consume mass quantities of Lipton Tea
- Various pictures of my spawn and my siblings' spawn
- A tiny bottle of Tobasco Sauce from a standard military ration compliments of my Cousin
- Several rocks of assorted color/shape/size including a really cool Fossil
- My Magic 8-ball for when the right answers aren't coming to me fast enough

There's other things around here, but I don't want to bore you with Technical details. I think you get the idea how cool of an environment it is to work in~odd that I take it for granted once in a while.

Other Techs have a variety of things to keep them occupied on or near their desks:

- The Anarchist's Cookbook - No explanation needed here...let's just say he's a 'radical' with social anxiety issues, but only when he's out of his meds
- Legos are definitely the most popular Toys in the office besides the fucking Yo-Yo's
- Nerf weaponry is still around, but that shit's like so 2004
- Various signs of 'Secret Nerd Protest' hanging on their cubicles (IE. The pic of Virginia near my desk).
- A variety of Gaming magazines and Comic books - It promotes proper bowel movements

For the most part, I really don't mind getting up at 5am every day to come here. Atleast they've (Management) made an effort to compromise with us to maintain a casual work environment. The dress code rocks too! I can't wait for this fucking rain to stop so I can wear my shorts and sandals.

That's all for now, I think I might try to get some work done today or until I find something else to distract me.

Getting back into the habit

I take a break every now and then from writing. I do it every day at work, and it's almost never fun. This makes things for my blog a bit choppy and intermittent. Sorry for that, but frankly, my life rarely changes from week-in/week-out. If I were to write about everything that I thought was interesting, I might recommend my blog to be used to cure insomnia.

Most of my content is from observations I make about my experiences or the events of people I know. It's not always pleasant, and I find myself actively editing about the 'really negative' boo-hoo bullshit that just doesn't need to be shared.

'Shared and Not-to-be-shared'

Trying to find where to draw the line on what I share and what I don't share has been a very hard decision for me. The Livejournal started the way I hoped and ended up going the wrong way entirely. I intended to put down my thoughts, dark or not, but eventually, when people I knew started reading it, I felt like I couldn't really do that anymore.

I'd share the bad shit here, but I'm trying to avoid looking like I drive the 'Waaaambulance' as much as I do. In addition to this, content that's dark and whiney really doesn't appeal to me when I read it back to myself...I seriously think others will agree with me on this.

I want my blog to reflect the positive changes in my life so they can be a reminder that the only obstacle preventing me from succeeding is my own self-doubt and laziness.

I'm ignorant and I used to be okay with that

This used to be my philosophy;

"If I didn't see it, then it didn't happen", typical 'hide your head in the sand' philosophy I've been using for years now. It used to make conversations with ever-day people very interesting because they assume I should know about current events or what's on TV lately.

After watching a day or two of digestable Television, I still want to shove my head in the sand and forget I saw any of it. I think if I had Tivo, I'd feel alot differently about watching the Tube regularly again. The ads are really what stinks about TV(besides the modern media)...they just need to fuck off and die.

I'm still perfectly okay with being ignorant with the world because, frankly, there's still too much trivial bullshit our Media thinks everyone wants to see/read about. My mentor graciously showed me the value of reading between the lines and to not believe everything I read/heard. I suppose this could've been because he worked for the Government for so long and hinted that 'not all is what it appears to be'.

My skepticism is what prevents me from being interested in anything not happening in my immediate area. How do we know that they're telling us the truth? Does the truth really appeal to the average viewer? What is the average viewer? As long as my head is full of this skepticism, I don't think i'll ever be able to take the media seriously.

Flushing it all away

I am really tempted to simply delete-and-never-look-back with my livejournal. Having read the last month of it's existence has really put a downward spin on my day which makes me think, 'Uhm, so why the hell do I have this still?' Logic would say the same and I'm sure the emotional part of me doesn't want to have anything to do with it either.

In spite of what's happened, I can't ignore the fact that seeing the most depressing entries makes me appreciate where I am at this time. I've come very far considering how low I felt when the drama was at the height. I'm feeling very detached from the emotions I harbored at the time and I like it that way.

Dating again or just wanting to get laid?

This is subject to debate because I can't seem to make up my mind which one I want more. I crave the intimacy of being with another person while my hormones are nagging me constantly to get the fuck out of my computer chair and get some. In this case, taking action is the only thing I can do to go get me some action.

Mostly, I think getting my head into other females will help me get over her easier. There, I said it...'I'm not over her'. I hate admitting that I'm a slave to my emotions, but I can't deny something that's so incredibly obvious to my close friends. They're not tactful about bringing it up, and I'm really not being very nice about it either. 'Think about something else Toby', is usually what they will say when I get that far-away look in my eye. That's considerably nicer than what I say (to myself) when she comes to mind, believe me.

What to do when you're not over her

You shove your fucking head into the sand and try to immerse yourself in shit that has nothing to do with her. While I think this is a good start, I believe that I can't totally ignore her existence because she works in the same fucking building. In addition to this, she's dating a friend of mine, which has definitely put some strain our association. I'm only now starting to talk to him in a civil tone. It's not right for me to ignore him, but he definitely knows that any time we're going to spend outside of work will be without her.

Fortunately, I'm making progress with escaping her gravitational field. As each day goes by, I gradually forget something about her. Atleast I'm not smelling her perfume anymore, what a maddening time it was.

Okay, enough sulking for me. I'm gonna go do something productive, like research my upcoming vacation.

Where should I go? Mexico? Dallas? San Diego? I guess it all depends on how much $$ I can save from now till whenever it happens.

The Paralysis of Analysis

A severe drawback to being overly analytical is the problem of getting literally immobilized by a flood of thoughts. It can be overwhelming to consider every minute possibility when trying to formulate some form of theory. Considering every angle can either work for you, or against you. In my case, it's ruined relationships and kept me in this industry for a long time.

This 'paralysis of analysis' is something I'll give credit to someone else for coining the phrase, but I intend to use the hell out of it. That was our agreement when I first discovered this term. The person who bestowed this wisdom to me happened to be a customer I was working with on a complex issue. After he heard me beat my brains against the issue for so long, he said, 'My friend, you suffer from the Paralysis of Analysis.' I almost fell over from how accurate that statement was. I asked him for rights on using the fuck out of it and he agreed.

Since that encounter, I have used it on a number of occasions to describe my personality to others. I have also learned since then to know when to walk away from something when I feel the paralysis taking effect.

Welcome to wherever you are

Sometimes at my job, I feel like the Greeter person at Walmart. I know where almost everything is, I am friendly, but I really don't help you much more beyond that. I definitely see the need for people like this, but that doesn't necessarily mean I like doing it. Today happens to be one of those days.

I talk about my job a lot because it's what I do besides game my brains out. I'd almost call it a hobby that happens to pay me, but I'd never do this shit in my spare time. I especially love it when relatives assume that, since I work in the Internet Industry, I automatically can help them fix whatever they did to their poor defenseless PC. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm just a guy that knows how to give people that warm fuzzy feeling on a daily basis.

When it comes right down to it, my primary job is to provide customer service. When they call me, I'm very cordial, friendly, and maintain the air (as thick as it may be) that I know what I'm doing. I receive a tons of nice compliments on my professionalism and expertise, but I get the impression that they're really just happy I treated them the way they like to be treated.

Nobody I know likes to call Tech centers because they're either outsourced, or the individuals you speak with talk down to you and assume you know absolutely nothing. There's really good reasons for you to hate calling those places...and believe me, they count on this and hope you just get too frustrated to call back. They Win, you lose, but I don't think they'll ever thank you for the money personally.

Given that I am often on that side of the phone call (where I am calling for assistance from other Internet Providers), I try to be as friendly and professional as the environment permits. There's nothing worse than getting on a call with a customer that's being totally unreasonable and I take that into consideration for whomever answers the phone. To their credit, most ISPs react in a very positive way when you blow a bit of smoke up their posterior. I rarely have to get nasty while on a call with a vendor, but when I do, my coworkers turn their heads to me wide-eyed in shock of the things that come out of my mouth.

Why am I talking about my job again? Well, today, I was speaking with a woman that I couldn't really help and she knew it, but only after I spent 20 minutes educating her on how email works. Although she started the conversation in a sub-yell (via speakerphone), 'Your service sucks!', I managed to turn her completely around by the end of the conversation. This may be the single most ego-boosting experience someone in Customer Service can get without the exchange of bodily fluids. Coincidently, 'Taming of the Shrew' happens to be my favorite Shakespeare play.

The Eventual Conclusion

While coming to the conclusion on what I do best at work, it occurred to me that I often overextend myself in an effort to get people to approve of me. Geez, I sound really needy when I put it like that. I guess I need to stop doing this outside of work to prevent seeming totally desperate. Lesson learned.

I want my California Sun back

Dear Glowing Mass of Incandescent Gas (Sol),

Although I complained in the past of your obnoxious brilliance, I am reconsidering my request to have you take an extended leave of absence. I would really like to have you back now that the rains have thoroughly soaked California. I think the ground would even agree that you've let this kind of shit go on for way too long...longer than I think should be allowed at this longitude/latitude.

If you don't show up soon, I'm going to move the fuck out of this state and live with the hot hippy chicks in Washington. That is all.

Respectfully,

Tobiwan

antagonize your coworker day

This is probably my most favorite Holiday partly because it can be any day of the week. My coworkers are easily some of the most twisted individuals I've ever had the pleasure of working with. Some of them have even known me long enough to identify when I'm just screwing with them.

Today, my boss had the most obnoxious yellow shirt and my other coworkers (who also work for him) proceeded to bash him for it. We did it innocently enough...by having a discussion on what color we thought his shirt could be. We couldn't decide whether it looked like 'Baby-shit' yellow, or Dehydrated urine yellow.

The comments flew until we touched on the nerve (something about the shirt needing another accessory in the shape of a red, rubber nose.) that sent us sniggering into our monitors. It sure is hard to work around here when there's an exceptional amount of goofing off in our midst.

Summary of the Weekend

The downside to working in the mornings is that I wake up incredibly early on my days off. This is particularly annoying when you goto bed at Midnight and your body wakes up at 6am on a Saturday morning.

Around 10-ish, I got a call from my buddy J informing me that he and his father were going out to shop for things they needed for the Wake. My job, he said, would be to accompany his girlfriend to the Mall to shop for a dress. So what...I'm gay now? Honestly, I didn't mind going to the Mall, especially when I'm going with a good looking woman. It also helped that I get along very well with his Girlfriend and knew she would also enjoy my company.

Necksore from the Mall

The last time I stepped foot into a Mall was sometime last year..don't even ask me what date it was. I tend to avoid public places like the Mall because I feel like I'm literally on display. Overall, I had a pretty good time despite all the incredible women I saw all over the fucking place. Meg seemed to be enjoying herself as well and even got caught looking at a number of posteriors while we wandered through 'High-maintenance chick' territory. She mentioned that she never gets to do any girl watching when she's around her BF, to which I concluded that she doesn't because that would mean he would get to do it...and therefore make her feel self-conscious. I felt a lot better about accompanying her to the Mall after she told me that...and my role as her shopping buddy was solidified. While I was there, I picked up some man-smell. It's a little expensive, but holy shit, is that stuff nice to have.

Mansmell and the effects on the female species

A year or so ago, I heeded the advice of a feminine perspective and took my daughter out with me to search for my brand of cologne. Eventually, the little girl helped me pick out some stuff by Georgio. Oh-my-friggen-gawd~is that shit really effective! The first date I had after procuring that went really well considering I found out later she had a boyfriend. She complimented me on my cologne by violating my personal space several times and eventually rewarded me with an evening of 'we shouldn't be doing this' necking. My lips were sore, my neck was covered with teeth indentations, but I still managed to grin for the next week in spite of the situation.

Since I have adopted this scent into my persona, I've received a number of naughty compliments, some deep scratch marks on my back, and some very pleasant memories. Thanks Georgio, you fucking rock! You just got yourself a lifelong customer!

Familiar faces and Mutual Adoption

The wake happened on Sunday afternoon and I was assigned to be emotional support for a number of J's family members. It seems that I have been adopted as a 'Family friend' by some of the comments from people I introduced myself to throughout the day. Throughout my life I've always made a good impression with people, parents especially. Why can't I do this with single women? Rhetorical question.

The event was a very enjoyable experience for me. I received a number of genuine hugs, flirted with some nice women, and felt like I was apart of a family for the first time in a long time.

'Jessie's Girl'

Rick Springfield must've been talking about this girl when he wished he had Jessie's. I met her at a memorable Halloween party and ended up talking to her for several hours that night. We never exchanged information, so she faded away into my memory as a woman I looked forward to seeing once again. She is the girlfriend of a guy named Jesse, and he happens to be a nephew of the Deceased. I had completely forgotten that he was related to the 'T' Family, so it was a pleasant surprise to see them again.

Again, I was reminded why I'm so attracted to Jessie's girl. It's not because she happens to be more attractive than she realizes, it's because of her pretty brain. Well spoken people are ones that I end up getting latched onto while at any social events and this case does not deviate from it. We spent a long time getting reacquainted, jessie's girl and I. It was very enjoyable to share her company again while her BF mingled and enjoyed time with his family. I didn't really feel all that guilty for spending so much time with her considering she was also a participant. We exchanged emails this time so we could keep in touch afterwards. The conversation that led up to it was her commenting on how pleasant it was to talk to familiar faces. I took that as a compliment, but couldn't tell her how fantastic I thought she was in response.

This problem I have with being attracted to other peoples' women is really something I should've broken myself from doing eons ago. It seems that my luck just happens to be poor when it comes to meeting the 'available' ones. Maybe it's their security and confidence that I like? *shrugs* Fortunately for me, I no longer pursue women in relationships after the last fiasco. I figure...if they'd cheat with me, then I can expect them to cheat on me while I was with them. This logic has saved me from a number of bad situations to say the least.

So that's pretty much all that happened this weekend other than the smoking, drinking, and consuming things you're not supposed to while drinking alcohol. Hope yours was just as enjoyable!