The Boy becoming a Young Man

I can still remember what it was like to be his age. It was awkward, incomprehensible, and downright agonizing to watch him go through it. He and I are so alike, I fear for him and what's coming; Adulthood.

How can I prepare him when I don't even have my act together? This is one of the nagging questions that keep me awake at night.

We both have social anxiety. It hasn't been stamped by a person with a PHD, but it doesn't take a Doctor to know that we share the same fears. Acceptance has always been something I both loathe and love. It drives me to get out of bed, shower, and sometimes shave. My social anxiety can be a burden, but I know I can't let it own me. Not this late in the game of life. I came to terms with it without even being aware of it, but my life and environment were quite different.

Having a Twin sister has always been a unique advantage. I always had someone to play with, grow up with, share friends, and that was how I somehow coped with being perpetually fearful of rejection. She would never reject me, and with that, she was my strength. One day I'll tell her how much it means to me and how I eventually grew to live with my anxieties.

My son, however, only has his sister, his mother, and me to be his friends. I blame myself for him not having friends because we moved around frequently, never giving him enough time to grow roots. Surely the blame can also be shared with his mother for not trying hard enough to motivate him to stay in a 'normal' class. Ultimately, the blame comes back to me because I watched it unfold.

Currently, the boy is enrolled in a class for fuck-ups. He's been in 'special needs' classes for 5+ years because of his social anxiety. He's a classic introvert, much like me, only a Doctor stamped the 'Bi-polar' label on him. I can't say I have much faith in the diagnosis, or any Mental Illness categorization for that matter. That reason behind my lack of faith is reserved for another post entirely for me to air to the world. Be patient, the post will be hard to write and even harder to hit 'publish'.

They have him in a class that consists of bullies, future thugs, and social outcasts. He's there because the Educational System is not prepared to accommodate to the individual student. Not a single minute goes by without someone in his class (of 7) dropping the 'N-Bomb'*1 or the 'F-Bomb'*2, and I can't stand by to let this happen any more.

I've only been to his class a handful of times (to see how his class operates), and frankly, it paints a disturbing trend of how our society is slowly unwinding itself. Maybe I'm being a little pessimistic, but to see how much the kids are in control now has been a hard pill to swallow. Educators can't lay a hand on students for any reason (without severe punishment), students aren't required to shower any longer after PE (Physical Education) because of Sexual Harassment, and I saw the Principal recently cleaning off tables in the Lunchroom. The fucking Principal of the school! Apparently budget cut-backs have been more ruthless than I ever imagined, they can't even afford a full-time Janitor!

So, now comes time for me to do something about this. I've got nothing but time right now. Losing my job is now starting to turn out to be a good thing, especially considering how miserable it made me feel.

I'm done whining about this now.

*1 - 'Nigger'
*2 - 'Fuck' and all forms of usage