Life-changing weekend
Just as I had anticipated, life took an unexpected turn this weekend. It's far too complicated to elaborate just now, I'll probably get lost in all the details (as usual) anyhow. The only thing I could anticipate was that something monumental (emphasis on the mental) was going to take place soon. Not a 'when', or a 'why', just that things would change....I love that about 'gut feelings'...no freaking way to prepare for them.
The prospect that my son will be living with me soon has suddenly changed where I see myself in a few years. These are the most important years of his soon-to-be-adult life and I'd rather not take a passive role in this development. I'm already noticing the way he tests his boundaries, and there are times where I feel like I'm a complete bitch with the way I have to constantly correct him on his behavior.
In my opinion, the advantage of having children at such a young age (22 when my son was born), is that you can still remember what it was like to be their age. There are still times when I forget what goes through the mind of a 10-yr old boy, but then again, I had no idea just how naive I was until I was much older. The boy is as naive as I was for sure, and he's just now beginning to establish his place in the world. I sure as hell don't envy him for being his age. He still has to deal with Puberty, Adolescent adulthood, and general Social education. Although I can prepare him for most of it, there's still much of it he'll have to experience on his own for the lesson to be learned.
Parenting is about having faith in yourself and the way you raised your children. Given that my ex has been pretty much raising them for the last 3 years, I have very limited faith that the kids are prepared for what the future brings. In light of this, I've been thinking a lot about how I can spend more time with them.
Discipline
Certain obstacles are in my way right now~ones that will require discipline to remove/get around. For a long time, I've outright ignored them because, for some reason, I believed that they would go away out of pity for my situation. I can laugh at it right now because what else can you do when you're up against such far-fetched odds?
I do realize that I have the discipline to achieve this and as long as I keep on with the Baby steps (as mom always suggested), I'll make noticeable progress. I've already drawn up a list of things I need to 'check off' and I'm sure there will be more added to it later. For now, I look forward to the piece of mind of taking care of my shit so I can move onto other more important things, like watching/participating with my future's development.
Clearing out the queue
Another thing nagging me lately has been this anger I held toward the woman I used to date. While I realize that she poorly executed the breakup, she did say some things I'm only now starting to understand. After much personal debate, I have concluded that there were things not in my control that she couldn't deal with. For instance, my relationship with my children. Some women are cool with kids, others just simply don't want the competition. I'm now no longer feeling like this was something personal and as a result of this, I feel like a lot of the weight has disappeared.
This wasn't the only reason for my decision to drop the baggage. A close friend of mine that has watched this all unfold has been kind enough to slap me around with some reality. He invited me to an event to see his daughter perform on stage and I declined knowing that she (the ex-girlfriend) would be there. He then informed me that he didn't like having to keep me separate from his friend (he's close friends with her current boyfriend) because I can't seem to get over a 'stupid bitch'. Hard to laugh it off when you get the brutal truth of the situation. Hearing him say that made me realize how far I had taken this grudge.
In the past, I've made posts about 'being over her' and how wonderful it was to feel free from her...well that was all bullshit if you couldn't see through it back then. I figured if I put it in writing, then it must be the truth! *cough* More bullshit...see how vile that smells when you just shovel it out there and expect people to believe it?
In a way, I wont ever be over her. Part of me still really likes her as a person and the other half still wants the chance to have sex with her. The rest...will just be lost to history and provide a lesson if I choose to spend any time with her in the future. For now, I look forward to smiling at her in passing if I do happen to see her at work. I may not have much to say to her right now, but at least I can enjoy the environment here at work again.
Just as I had anticipated, life took an unexpected turn this weekend. It's far too complicated to elaborate just now, I'll probably get lost in all the details (as usual) anyhow. The only thing I could anticipate was that something monumental (emphasis on the mental) was going to take place soon. Not a 'when', or a 'why', just that things would change....I love that about 'gut feelings'...no freaking way to prepare for them.
The prospect that my son will be living with me soon has suddenly changed where I see myself in a few years. These are the most important years of his soon-to-be-adult life and I'd rather not take a passive role in this development. I'm already noticing the way he tests his boundaries, and there are times where I feel like I'm a complete bitch with the way I have to constantly correct him on his behavior.
In my opinion, the advantage of having children at such a young age (22 when my son was born), is that you can still remember what it was like to be their age. There are still times when I forget what goes through the mind of a 10-yr old boy, but then again, I had no idea just how naive I was until I was much older. The boy is as naive as I was for sure, and he's just now beginning to establish his place in the world. I sure as hell don't envy him for being his age. He still has to deal with Puberty, Adolescent adulthood, and general Social education. Although I can prepare him for most of it, there's still much of it he'll have to experience on his own for the lesson to be learned.
Parenting is about having faith in yourself and the way you raised your children. Given that my ex has been pretty much raising them for the last 3 years, I have very limited faith that the kids are prepared for what the future brings. In light of this, I've been thinking a lot about how I can spend more time with them.
Discipline
Certain obstacles are in my way right now~ones that will require discipline to remove/get around. For a long time, I've outright ignored them because, for some reason, I believed that they would go away out of pity for my situation. I can laugh at it right now because what else can you do when you're up against such far-fetched odds?
I do realize that I have the discipline to achieve this and as long as I keep on with the Baby steps (as mom always suggested), I'll make noticeable progress. I've already drawn up a list of things I need to 'check off' and I'm sure there will be more added to it later. For now, I look forward to the piece of mind of taking care of my shit so I can move onto other more important things, like watching/participating with my future's development.
Clearing out the queue
Another thing nagging me lately has been this anger I held toward the woman I used to date. While I realize that she poorly executed the breakup, she did say some things I'm only now starting to understand. After much personal debate, I have concluded that there were things not in my control that she couldn't deal with. For instance, my relationship with my children. Some women are cool with kids, others just simply don't want the competition. I'm now no longer feeling like this was something personal and as a result of this, I feel like a lot of the weight has disappeared.
This wasn't the only reason for my decision to drop the baggage. A close friend of mine that has watched this all unfold has been kind enough to slap me around with some reality. He invited me to an event to see his daughter perform on stage and I declined knowing that she (the ex-girlfriend) would be there. He then informed me that he didn't like having to keep me separate from his friend (he's close friends with her current boyfriend) because I can't seem to get over a 'stupid bitch'. Hard to laugh it off when you get the brutal truth of the situation. Hearing him say that made me realize how far I had taken this grudge.
In the past, I've made posts about 'being over her' and how wonderful it was to feel free from her...well that was all bullshit if you couldn't see through it back then. I figured if I put it in writing, then it must be the truth! *cough* More bullshit...see how vile that smells when you just shovel it out there and expect people to believe it?
In a way, I wont ever be over her. Part of me still really likes her as a person and the other half still wants the chance to have sex with her. The rest...will just be lost to history and provide a lesson if I choose to spend any time with her in the future. For now, I look forward to smiling at her in passing if I do happen to see her at work. I may not have much to say to her right now, but at least I can enjoy the environment here at work again.
posted by Tobiwan | 7:55 AM
1 Comments:
We need to talk. Dammit, this weekend I'm calling you.
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