Mission Improbable

I have decided to run for President in light of the recent political battles we've all ignoredwitnessed lately. Here are the things I'd like to change if elected (listed in no particular order of preference):

• Increase funding for Research of Alternative Fuel sources - I'm totally tired of paying so much for transportation. Public transportation has never looked so much like an 18yr old virgin until lately.
• Decrease the cost of Divorce - In light of the Gay Marriage law I might as well make it as cheap to Divorce as it is to get Married pleasekthx.
• Legalize Marijuana - ...And tax the hell out of it. I'm so tired of hearing it lumped in with hardcore drugs. FFS people, it's not even among the top five of abused substances!
• Prohibit the mis-use of the word irony - It means "the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning". Please, fucking get it right!
• Ban the use of Cell phones in the Supermarket checkout line - Yes, that look of contempt on my face is from you holding up the fucking line!
• Institute Public floggings - I'm not a big fan of whippin, but some people could use about 10 lashes while hand-cuffed to a pole (can you tell I've been reading Starship Troopers lately?). These will be for minor offenses, such as Drunk Driving, Perjury, Forgery, etc.
  
• Lower the legal drinking age to 18 - Although I think we may not be mature enough as a nation to do this, Europe seems to not have too many issues with drinking related deaths.
  
• Ban the creation and distribution of useless statistics - this might put the bean-counters out of business but it's worth not cringing when I hear someone say 'statistics show...'.
• Disallow Criminals to joining the Military - I still think this is a horrible idea. What better way to reinforce the World's hatred for your Country by sending Thugs to 'protect' their oil?
• Increase Public Educator Wages - After recently visiting my Daughter's Elementary School, I can see we have much to improve upon with respecting those who put up with our children 5 days a week.
• Lift the Trade Embargo on Cuba - We should all be able to enjoy cigars and kickass baseball players without having to obtain them illegally (the cigars I mean).
  

That's all I can think of for now. I'll have my Campaign Manager draw up all these proposals and make them all look politically correct.

Vote for Tobiwan please and thank you!