The Past and it's place in the Present
Today consisted of me browsing through a myspace-esque-only-cooler-website looking for some people from my past. I started doing it on a whim and it's stirred up all kinds of memories; some good, some bad.
Like the girl who seduced me by dropping her towel (including the obligatory 'oops') to the floor when she called me into the bathroom. I still have very vivid erotic dreams about that moment in my life. It was the first and only time I was ever a part of the act of cheating. Given a choice, I would do it over again just for the feelings of pure, raw desire I felt for her.
To shed some light on how this transpired, I feel it's necessary to explain how we became so intensely involved. She had a boyfriend who was a friend of mine at the time. I was house-sitting for a friend of the family and for some reason, he asked if she could stay at said house until he finished with work. Prior to this day, I had only met her a few times, but as a friend's girlfriend, she was just that. Honestly, looking back, I think she only was interested in me because I expressed absolutely zero interest in her. That was apparent because when I began giving her my undivided attention, she was clearly no longer interested.
Moving on, I agreed to have her hang around and drink beer/swim at the house until my friend returned. I didn't really have much intention of fooling around with her, but girls can be pursuasive sometimes.
I'll digress further to tell you just how absolutely beautiful this creature was. Imagine jet black hair, olive skin, gorgeous blue eyes, and a smile that would make a eunich fertile. I also remember her having perfect eyebrows (what can I say, I'm an eyebrow guy). The image in my mind of her is one where she is staring at me with that 'I can't wait to get you alone' smile on her face. *sigh* Good memories indeed. The only bad thing that happened was her boyfriend caught us in a compromising position and then later firmly advised me to stay the hell away from her. I didn't have the heart to tell him about her other boyfriends she had behind his back.
Her memory is one that I still think about to this day. It's a shame I lost touch with her, but I think it would've spoiled the pristine memory I have of her. 'Always leave them wanting more...' has never been more truthful in her case.
That gives me at least some semblance of why I think about her and other instances like it; I'm recalling times when I felt most desired. To be accepted is something we all want, but when we have it, is it really what we want? If I think about it this much, then I'd have to say 'yes, that's what I want, ultimately'.
I can't argue with that kind of logic or emotion, or whatever the hell it is.
Other memories that were dredged up revolve around getting some form of closure from people in my past. In particular, a girl I chased for a few years before I finally got the hint she wasn't interested. Another one of those people who only seem to be interested in you when you're not. Rightly so, she doesn't deserve the amount of thought I've put into this, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thought about her a lot.
I feel like I overwelmed her with my attention. I wanted to be around her all the time. She was charismatic, smart, and beautiful~who wouldn't want to be around that? We had good times, but I think I wanted more of her attention than she was willing to give. Eventually, she stopped returning my phone calls and I spent more time talking to her answering machine than her. When I did finally get the hint, I gave up the chase and walked away to piece together my remaining respitory system. It was hard to get over that~to be rejected without a clear reason. Sometimes you just can't get it, and maybe that's why it's been so hard to forget her? I think I'm getting somewhere!
And this brings me to leaving things in the past. There are lessons to be learned from these experiences and I think I took things too personally to see the wisdom at the time. I have to be able to let things like this go in order to move forward. No, I need to just let things go, especially things that hold no consequence in my life.
Funny, I do feel a little better now that I got that off my chest.
That's all I have for now, thanks for stopping by.
Today consisted of me browsing through a myspace-esque-only-cooler-website looking for some people from my past. I started doing it on a whim and it's stirred up all kinds of memories; some good, some bad.
Like the girl who seduced me by dropping her towel (including the obligatory 'oops') to the floor when she called me into the bathroom. I still have very vivid erotic dreams about that moment in my life. It was the first and only time I was ever a part of the act of cheating. Given a choice, I would do it over again just for the feelings of pure, raw desire I felt for her.
To shed some light on how this transpired, I feel it's necessary to explain how we became so intensely involved. She had a boyfriend who was a friend of mine at the time. I was house-sitting for a friend of the family and for some reason, he asked if she could stay at said house until he finished with work. Prior to this day, I had only met her a few times, but as a friend's girlfriend, she was just that. Honestly, looking back, I think she only was interested in me because I expressed absolutely zero interest in her. That was apparent because when I began giving her my undivided attention, she was clearly no longer interested.
Moving on, I agreed to have her hang around and drink beer/swim at the house until my friend returned. I didn't really have much intention of fooling around with her, but girls can be pursuasive sometimes.
I'll digress further to tell you just how absolutely beautiful this creature was. Imagine jet black hair, olive skin, gorgeous blue eyes, and a smile that would make a eunich fertile. I also remember her having perfect eyebrows (what can I say, I'm an eyebrow guy). The image in my mind of her is one where she is staring at me with that 'I can't wait to get you alone' smile on her face. *sigh* Good memories indeed. The only bad thing that happened was her boyfriend caught us in a compromising position and then later firmly advised me to stay the hell away from her. I didn't have the heart to tell him about her other boyfriends she had behind his back.
Her memory is one that I still think about to this day. It's a shame I lost touch with her, but I think it would've spoiled the pristine memory I have of her. 'Always leave them wanting more...' has never been more truthful in her case.
That gives me at least some semblance of why I think about her and other instances like it; I'm recalling times when I felt most desired. To be accepted is something we all want, but when we have it, is it really what we want? If I think about it this much, then I'd have to say 'yes, that's what I want, ultimately'.
I can't argue with that kind of logic or emotion, or whatever the hell it is.
Other memories that were dredged up revolve around getting some form of closure from people in my past. In particular, a girl I chased for a few years before I finally got the hint she wasn't interested. Another one of those people who only seem to be interested in you when you're not. Rightly so, she doesn't deserve the amount of thought I've put into this, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thought about her a lot.
I feel like I overwelmed her with my attention. I wanted to be around her all the time. She was charismatic, smart, and beautiful~who wouldn't want to be around that? We had good times, but I think I wanted more of her attention than she was willing to give. Eventually, she stopped returning my phone calls and I spent more time talking to her answering machine than her. When I did finally get the hint, I gave up the chase and walked away to piece together my remaining respitory system. It was hard to get over that~to be rejected without a clear reason. Sometimes you just can't get it, and maybe that's why it's been so hard to forget her? I think I'm getting somewhere!
And this brings me to leaving things in the past. There are lessons to be learned from these experiences and I think I took things too personally to see the wisdom at the time. I have to be able to let things like this go in order to move forward. No, I need to just let things go, especially things that hold no consequence in my life.
Funny, I do feel a little better now that I got that off my chest.
That's all I have for now, thanks for stopping by.
posted by Tobiwan | 1:02 AM
1 Comments:
I still dream about Jason. THE JASON. Father of my child. He is the only male from my past that I dream about in that way. I wake up with my heart aching. I haven't seen him in 14 years.
Post a Comment
<< Home