Dear New Landlord,
I wanted to thank you for having me here in spite of the fact that my credit is less than exemplary and you allowed me to move in on such short notice. There are a few things I would like to bring to your attention that may effect my overall satisfaction of being here. Pull up a chair, this wont be brief:
"The Internets are bad"
Have you ever heard of 'overutilization'? It's why we're getting 300 motherfucking milliseconds to our gateway IP. I realize we're all nerds here, but there's a reason I asked you if we could upgrade our bandwidth. Obviously 3 males simultaneously downloading Porn will not be able to do so without having to delay our orgasms to the message 'Buffering'. While I must admit that this form of prolonging my orgasm is new and interesting, it is significantly more new than it is interesting.
I guess I took my last connection for granted because I never had this problem...having to wait for my streaming video. It's such a foreign concept to me, much like paying for sex.
"Insulation is for suckers"
It's a good thing I've got some extra weight on me, otherwise, I'd be developing frostbite in here. And it's also fortunate you have provided me this space heater, otherwise, my genitals might retreat back into my body. I need them for later...maybe, so let's hope this Winter is a mild one, m'kay?
"What do you mean Mary isn't welcome??"
My good friend Mary Jane likes to visit every once in a while and maybe nobody mentioned this to you, but this is California ffs! This is one of those partially liberal states where they have decriminalized possession of Mary Jane to the point where it's a misdemeanor (unless you're planning on going big) to be caught with less than an ounce.
For those of you that have been living under a rock your whole life, an ounce of pot is roughly a two month supply (if you smoke it every day, several times a day). If you're caught here in Cal with less than an ounce, you get a fine, and you don't do jail time. Geez-fucking-wiz, that's almost a felony (but hey genius, it's not)!
Your reasoning was that you wouldn't want your home to be taken away because of any illegal activities or drugs on the premises, but guess what, who the fuck would suspect this place of such a thing? Every Sunday night, your nerd friends come here and watch episodes of DS9 and Star Trek. I'm sure the Police would be very interested in them getting drunk and crazy with Ice Cream and Soda. Seriously dude, in spite of what you think is worthy of getting the attention of the fuzz, your den of level 19 thieves will have to do better than what i've seen so far.
There's got to be something more than just fear of being caught with a generous stash of drugs on your premises. Remind me to corner you some day and pursue this answer so I don't have to think you're a goddamn pussy.
"Free Cable"
That's neat that you have Cable in the main house and an antiquated coaxial cable out here where I live. So I'm paying for this, right? It's included in the total cost of the place? Cool, so do I get a discount since the cable in the house doesn't even have a DVR? If this were 2005, I would take my cake and be fucking thankful I even had it. Again, it's not motherfucker. It's not even 2007 anymore. I know this because otherwise I would be pissed off that I had to start this year over again.
Now that that's out of the way...
Please leave my compliments to your wife for cooking such a fantastic meal tonight. It almost made up for the fact that I had to wait 3 hours to download one of my 30 minute shows tonight.
To be continued....
I wanted to thank you for having me here in spite of the fact that my credit is less than exemplary and you allowed me to move in on such short notice. There are a few things I would like to bring to your attention that may effect my overall satisfaction of being here. Pull up a chair, this wont be brief:
"The Internets are bad"
Have you ever heard of 'overutilization'? It's why we're getting 300 motherfucking milliseconds to our gateway IP. I realize we're all nerds here, but there's a reason I asked you if we could upgrade our bandwidth. Obviously 3 males simultaneously downloading Porn will not be able to do so without having to delay our orgasms to the message 'Buffering'. While I must admit that this form of prolonging my orgasm is new and interesting, it is significantly more new than it is interesting.
I guess I took my last connection for granted because I never had this problem...having to wait for my streaming video. It's such a foreign concept to me, much like paying for sex.
"Insulation is for suckers"
It's a good thing I've got some extra weight on me, otherwise, I'd be developing frostbite in here. And it's also fortunate you have provided me this space heater, otherwise, my genitals might retreat back into my body. I need them for later...maybe, so let's hope this Winter is a mild one, m'kay?
"What do you mean Mary isn't welcome??"
My good friend Mary Jane likes to visit every once in a while and maybe nobody mentioned this to you, but this is California ffs! This is one of those partially liberal states where they have decriminalized possession of Mary Jane to the point where it's a misdemeanor (unless you're planning on going big) to be caught with less than an ounce.
For those of you that have been living under a rock your whole life, an ounce of pot is roughly a two month supply (if you smoke it every day, several times a day). If you're caught here in Cal with less than an ounce, you get a fine, and you don't do jail time. Geez-fucking-wiz, that's almost a felony (but hey genius, it's not)!
Your reasoning was that you wouldn't want your home to be taken away because of any illegal activities or drugs on the premises, but guess what, who the fuck would suspect this place of such a thing? Every Sunday night, your nerd friends come here and watch episodes of DS9 and Star Trek. I'm sure the Police would be very interested in them getting drunk and crazy with Ice Cream and Soda. Seriously dude, in spite of what you think is worthy of getting the attention of the fuzz, your den of level 19 thieves will have to do better than what i've seen so far.
There's got to be something more than just fear of being caught with a generous stash of drugs on your premises. Remind me to corner you some day and pursue this answer so I don't have to think you're a goddamn pussy.
"Free Cable"
That's neat that you have Cable in the main house and an antiquated coaxial cable out here where I live. So I'm paying for this, right? It's included in the total cost of the place? Cool, so do I get a discount since the cable in the house doesn't even have a DVR? If this were 2005, I would take my cake and be fucking thankful I even had it. Again, it's not motherfucker. It's not even 2007 anymore. I know this because otherwise I would be pissed off that I had to start this year over again.
Now that that's out of the way...
Please leave my compliments to your wife for cooking such a fantastic meal tonight. It almost made up for the fact that I had to wait 3 hours to download one of my 30 minute shows tonight.
To be continued....
posted by Tobiwan | 8:45 PM
6 Comments:
Your new places comes with meals but no dvr??
What's a DVR?
Gee, I think I'm still in 2002.
Digital Video Recorder. It's a built-in service that can record anything on your TV. At present, it's the standard with most high priced Cable TV services.
Other markets call it 'TiVo'. It means you can fast-forward through advertisements.
I've never had DVR, and I recently canceled cable completely. BUT it's mostly because the cable company sucks. I got tired of paying an arm and a leg for just the basics, and ending up watching mostly regular networks anyway...
But I have a wonderful internet connection. :)
I'm not sure which would cheese me off more: no weed or shitty innernets. Hmmm....damn. That's a tough one.
hahahaha... I'd say 'who needs dvr when there is hulu', but after having tried to watch hulu at that house WITHOUT three other guys downloading porn at the time, I see now that dvr is a necessity there.
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