The Noob, the Cunt, and the Conference Call (Part 2)

So I'd like to say that this was one of the most thoughtfully driven campaigns of my whole life, but that'd just be a gross fabrication of something only remotely resembling the truth.

The truth is that the whole reason I wanted to get this procedure 'fixed' was because I was told it didn't concern me. How spiteful is that? It's not the first time I've gone and done something because I was told to not get involved. Before I digress too far, I'll finish this damn story.

It didn't take too long before the Prez emailed me back with encouraging words. He thanked me for trusting him with keeping me anonymous. I believe he understood why I asked to remain anonymous. It's generally frowned upon to skip the ranking and go straight to the top, so I am still a little concerned that this will end up biting me in the ass at some point.

After a few days, he reported to me that he's made some progress probing around various departments and asked me to gather information for him. He also put me in touch with a Manager of our Install Department to help with the information gathering process. She already had heard from a few others that had contacted her directly about the mysteriously long install process of X Product, so I didn't need to do much to gain her support. It helps that I have worked with her for years and she knew me well enough to know I had a valid complaint.

She and I gathered the necessary data that was all overwhelmingly similar. It seems that this has been going on for Months and whoever was supposed to be streamlining the process had long since abandoned it. We then sent the information on to the Prez and instead of just saying, 'Okay, thanks for the info, i'll run with it from here...', he instructs his lapdog to arrange a conference call to discuss the process to install X product.

This Lapdog (we'll just call her the 'Cunt' because I can't think of anything more descriptive to define her) arranges the conference call to include several Directors, the CIO, several key Managers from other departments (also involved in the install process), and Me. When I saw the list of people on this conference call, I was scared shitless. It's true the Prez can do what he wants, but at this point, I was livid that he threw me to the wolves and even said in his email, 'Toby has identified a process that he thinks we can simplify and streamline'. Thank-you-fucking-much SIR!

Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long for the conference call to proceed. It was scheduled for the next day and I had the data on my side, but holy shit~it's all these important people...aaaaand me.

I didn't get much sleep the night before, but I think this may have been a good thing. I stayed up thinking about how it really wasn't as bad as I initially believed. That if they were going to fire me for going over several peoples' heads, they would've done it by now. And the validation I needed was when it occurred to me that I was only the person that said, 'Hey, this looks broken, we should fix it'. It was the Prez that organized all of these important people into the conference call and I was just the messenger.

How bad could it be, right? In retrospect, it wasn't that bad. In fact, it gave me a renewed respect for the people 'in charge' of this company.

So the next day, I join up with the Conference Call and my great mood is immediately salted away by the Cunt's tactless exclamation that this was 'all my doing'. If you ever want to make someone extremely uncomfortable, invite them to a conference call and call them out immediately when they log onto the conference bridge.

To my credit, I think I handled it pretty well although I have no idea where my retort came from;

"If that means I get credit for getting this fixed, then that's okay by me."

I heard a few laughs at that and I relaxed a little bit not knowing what to expect next from her. Others who have worked with the Cunt in the past will agree that this woman has a reputation for being acidic and bitchy on conference calls. What amazed me the most is that she has nothing to do with how this process is being handled.

Regardless of this, she still seemed to think she was running the show until someone joined the conference bridge that happened to outrank her considerably. He was much better equipped to deal with such a problem simply because he wanted to get the process resolved and not so worried about stepping on toes. The Cunt, on the other hand, interjected frequently when she felt that her group was being 'blamed' for the delay, which happened on many occasions until the CIO told her to speak when he asked her specifically (get in your box, bitch...hehe). I seriously had to mute myself from the jackal-like howl of laughter that erupted from my mouth when he said that.

So the conference call continues until we properly identify where this bottleneck is. This happened to be exactly where we had explicitly said it was...it just took several times to explain because the Cunt saw it her place to blame other departments when we all knew she was wrong. The call ends when we all agree that we need to make sure each department hands off in a timely manner to ensure the process goes as smoothly as possible.

How or why this Cunt is involved in everything, I'll never fucking know. It amazes me even more that she's a very trusted member of the Senior Management. Maybe she has other skills I don't know about?

That's possible, but she sure as fuck isn't a diplomat. Her email to the Prez afterwards was a slap in the face of everyone in that conference call. Not only did she neglect to CC specific members of the Conference Call (ones that open opposed her), she wrote 5 paragraphs stating absolutely nothing. She's got fucking skills...of making something, nothing. To write that much and not really say anything is something that I aspire to as a writer.

Just to make sure everyone was aware of this e-dookie mail she sent, I made sure to include those excluded persons to see how she basically said that this wasn't a problem. She even had the audacity to say that 'we all agreed that we needed more examples in order to make a proper conclusion'....Huh???? I didn't know what to say other than 'Fuck that bitch!'

I spent a good hour writing various responses essentially 'calling her out' on her poor communications skills. Fortunately for me, another person who happened to be on that conference call was passing by and saw my red-raged face. He calmed me down and said that I had done all I could for now. I'm really glad I didn't let anger get the best of me that time.

Later that day, I was greeted with a very inspiring email written by the Prez. He said something that has made me a very loyal employee for as long as he's on board. I'd love to include the whole email, but the last part really did it for me:

"-I really like it when employees ask, can we do it better? That is what drove this exercise; it was not, “when is another department going to do a better job”."

Cutting to today, it looks like this process got fixed just like I hoped it would. I got it processed in under 24 hours and now my installs wont take an extra week!

Hopefully this means it's been resolved permanently!

I wish I could say there was more, but no...I'm really glad this is over. Go me.

The End.

The Noob, the Cunt, and the Conference Call (Part 1)

Lately, I was witness to something truly frightening and exciting all at the same time. Now pull out a cig, joint, drink and listen to my somewhat extended, over-embellished version of the story.

Several months ago, you may recall me mentioning that I met the President of my company at a Sales Conference. Well, I've been sitting on this 'I know-the-fucking-prez' card for a while now and have finally tested it's validity. To fully understand the situation, I'll need to explain a few things in order to convey its importance.

About a month ago, I was being chastised for a customer's line taking forever to be installed. What normally takes 30 days to install, was now up to day 39 and I was not about to be responsible for it. Being the annoyingly inquisitive person I am, I started asking questions around the office. What I found out in the next week absolutely shocked and infuriated me.

I first contacted my immediate Boss about it. His response was somewhat expected, but it didn't exactly provide me any confidence that someone was doing anything about it.

Me: Hey Boss, I was hoping you could tell me why X product takes 40+ to install.

Him: It's 30 days, just like we're obligated to tell them.

Me: But it's not. Here's my [Insert Angry Consumer's Name] proof. It took us 5 business days just to get this damn thing entered into our Database. Why does it take this long?

Him: (He glanced at the paper, and handed it back) I dunno. You should ask department Z and they should have an answer for you.

Me: (Continuing to stand in his cubical unsatisfied with the answer) I have some issues with how we process these kinds of circuits. Namely the fact that it takes a week longer to process than our other services. Can't we do something about that?

Him: (now looking a little annoyed that I haven't left his cube yet) The process is the process. Your job is to worry about selling, not how we process the orders.

Me: Okay, fair enough. So I should set their expectations for 40 days instead of 30 days?

Him: No, you tell them 30 days. When those 30 days are up, refer them to [another useless department].

Me: But aren't we setting ourselves up for failure by not properly defining their (the customers) expectations?

Him: (*sighs heavily*) Toby...(another sigh) what have I told you about not concerning yourself with things that are~~~

Me: (me interrupting) This isn't just my concern! Talk to everyone out there about it. Every one of them will tell you that X Product takes forever to process.

Him: (interrupting me this time) Yeah, they've said something about it. But this is being handled by another Department. They'll streamline the process soon enough. Don't concern yourself with it (He said it with some finality to it and promptly went back to whatever he was doing before I walked up to him).

Now without getting into too much detail, I found out that there's a bottleneck in our process (Surprised? I wasn't). It's not even a legitimate bottleneck! It's just some dumb asshole that lets the paperwork sit on his goddamn desk for a week before turning his attention to it.

So I go as far as bring it up in a Team Meeting where, once again, I get shot down for worrying about things that don't concern me. FFS, am I the only one that has a problem with it??

Seeking acknowledgment, I went to my coworkers and asked them if they'd seen the same thing. Every-fucking-one of them said they had, in fact, seen the same thing! Okay you fucking sheep, why didn't you say anything about it in the meeting?? Where's my backup? Don't you have a problem with the way this is being handled? Of course, every one of them also said with a shrug, 'my job is to sell things, let [other department] handle it'. Why doesn't this surprise me?

At this point, I'm furious that nobody sees this gigantic flaw in the system. And then I remembered my meeting with the Prez. The next thing I know, I'm writing this gigantic email about how this process is fucked up and nobody seems to be taking ownership of it. I sent it to said Prez because he said his door was open and I wanted to see if it was really true (and I wanted that goddamn process fixed!). Needless to say, anger makes people do some crazy shit and overstepping several points in management didn't, at the time, seem illogical at all. This is where I'll pause to say that, 'yes', in retrospect, it was a very stupid thing to do.

More to come...Stay tuned for part 2!

Busy doing nothing

Today, I have been busily working on the outward appearance that I'm having a productive day. As my Father once said to me, 'I've never seen anyone more dedicated to working so hard at doing nothing.' Thanks Pa, your tender reinforcement (to the face) is much appreciated. As you can guess, today is no exception.

Seriously though, my Father is probably where I get my morbid sense of humor from, although he'd never admit it to be true. I think years with him being the 'provider' has introverted his true personality. Whether he knows this or not, but he's my whole motivation for being a good Father and a good Husband. I think, in spite of my doomed marriage, I managed to make part of it come true.

Every once in a while, I like to remind myself that I'm doing a decent job of raising my kids. If it weren't for them, and frankly, I can't imagine what my life would be like without them, I may have ended up being a lazy, jobless sloth. It's funny how the burden of parenthood makes us better people. I think i'm onto something!

Not to say that being a parent is your only option for becoming a better person...I'd say Humility is the primary factor, and we all know that we can get that anywhere!

Really not on track...at all

It could've been the 3rd cup of coffee i've had in the last 2 hours, or maybe the six foot Goddess that stopped by my desk to chat with me that is making me feel so scatterbrained today. Regardless of either, I'm feeling quite unfocused, and anxious, and horny (when is that ever unusual though?). Ever have one of these days?

I suppose this means that I blog when I have nothing better to do. That's probably true.

At least I have lots of music here at work (on my computer). It definitely pays to know the IT Folk well enough to have them transfer your vast wealth of MP3s to your new system. Speaking of MP3s, I've loaded a new playlist so I don't annoy my coworkers with Fatboy Slim's 'Funk Soul Brother' which seems to always be playing. They haven't said anything about it yet, and the song still rocks like nobody's business, but I figured now would be a good time to retire it before it got old.

Here's some of the artists on my new playlist (because I can't think of anything else to write about) in no particular order of favor:

• Ben Harper
• Lynrd Skynard (or however the hell it's spelled)
• Some Eagles
• Goldfinger
• The Doors
• Prodigy
• Primal Scream
• Paul Van Dyk
• Gustav Holst's The Planets (Jupiter is sofa king awesome)
• Some Beethoven
• Some Mozart
• Edvard Grieg (nothing is cooler than having your customers comment on 'In the Hall of the Mountain King' blaring in the background)
• Beastie Boys (no playlist is complete without some beasties)
  
• Johann Strauss (I caught my daughter singing 'The Beautiful Blue Danube' and the song now has a considerable more appeal to me)
• Jimi Hendrix
• The Dead Kennedys
• Oingo Boingo

I'm sure I'm missing a few, but those are the ones I felt were noteworthy. The Classical music has been something I'm playing more of lately since it keeps me distracted from an otherwise stressful work environment.

What do you listen to when you need to unwind?

Now that I've killed an hour here at work, it's time for me to take my lunch.

Have a great week, thanks for stopping in!

I'm an 'Ass'

I admit this as factual evidence when it comes to my internal personality. When I say 'internal' personality, I mean all the mean things that are swimming around in my head at any given moment of the day. I don't think of myself as a very mean person. I know right from wrong, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I completely agree with it.

Here's an example.

I tend to laugh at the most morbid moments. It's not because I am cruel or like to kick puppies, it's because I seem to find amusement in every aspect of life. I've shocked myself several times with this 'quirk' as I like to refer to it. Maybe I just use humor to help me cope with things I can't deal with normally? Probably.

Over the years, I've developed filters to prevent these thoughts from becoming public and thereby saving myself the embarrassment of having to dig myself out of trouble. I got myself into considerable trouble by saying what was on my mind at the time. Needless to say, I learned by the best means possible...experience!

Why bring this up now? Uhm...I wish I knew why I thought it important enough to share with the world. Don't hate, pro-create.