The weekend's events and other meaningless gibberish

The Holiday Weekend turned out to be much nicer than I anticipated. I'm not sure why this happens, but it seems that I always end up having my kids on weekends where I have a day off. I prefer it this way, however, it would be nice to disappear for a few days to get away from the rat race once in a while.

The kids mostly swam in the pool the whole time. If I would let them, they'd stay in there all day, all weekend long. Before cleaning out the pool, my daughter was noting the unusual number of dead bugs in the pool. She even created a new word~what a nerd!

"Why are there so many dead bugs in the pool?"

"Because they fall in there from time to time. Maybe they're committing suicide!"

She recognized my sarcastic smirk and giggled in response, "Bugacide!"

Sometimes my brain hurts from what comes out of those kids' mouths.

Beaming proudly at her vocabulary, I said the only thing I could think of at the time, "I love you baby."

"I love you too Daddy"

Commense with heart melting sequence...gawd! I can't believe she came from my genepool!

Fucking June

Why does this month have to be so busy for me? I've got a Wedding to see~should be fun, but I can't afford to rent a tux much less find my suit. The suit's in Storage from what I've been told~I probably should've taken that after I got separated from the ex.

In addition to the wedding, my ex is going to graduate from nightschool on the same weekend my sisters will be visiting my parents. WTF does this have to do with me? I wish it didn't have shit to do with me, but unfortunately, I'm caught in the middle trying to accomidate to everyone.

Almost every day last week and the week before, I have gotten an email from my sister or my mother asking me what my plans are for that 3 week span they'll be in town. Truthfully, I'd love to see my family again, but my resources are stretched so thin, I can't even consider taking off more time.

I hated to do it, but I sent them an email yesterday asking them to kindly back off. It hurts me to tell my family to leave me alone, but I don't think I'm in the right mental state to face them. My mother replied later that day assuring me that they understood how I feel and that they'd be there for me if I wanted to talk about it.

The whole thing's made me pissy and it doesn't help that we're losing more people here at work. I have also been told that we're not hiring despite the fact that we've lost 6 in the last month alone. There's a serious fucking problem when you only have 50 people to do the job that requires 75-100 and you lose just one person. It's even more serious when you're going to lose potentially 10 people and you are doing nothing to replace those warm bodies.

I know...time to start looking for another job.

Issues

It's time I get things off my chest. I'm tired of them inundating my brain and it's giving me more gray hairs than I should be getting at my age.

I've grown weary of trying to remain politically correct and always tring to be a diplomat. Being diplomatic is something I've always found myself really good at because I'm great at stuffing away my feelings. Neutrality is the easiest way to approach situations and frankly, it's safer for me this way, less damage control is always the best case scenario. I would rather just leave out my personal opinions/observations than take the risk of someone getting upset with me about it.
It's hard to tell the truth sometimes, especially knowing that I'll have to perform damage control afterwards. So is it wrong to lie out of compassion? Is it also wrong to with-hold information from them? Is choosing not to divulge information lying? I suppose it's all the same, isn't it?

While I'm at it...

A friend of mine has recommended going to the SCA events which apparently are pretty frequent in my area. I have been told by a number of people that the acronym stands for something else. The Society of Consenting Adults is probably more accurate to this community than the prior. It's a well known fact that I need some action, but I haven't made any efforts to go out to meet anyone to do so.

Whilst smoking some of the Herb, I had a fantastic idea~I could pay for it! Sure i've thought about this before, but I had a new twist (no pun intended). I could pay for it and have the same woman once a month. Best case scenario would be a woman that I paid once a month for an hour of her time. I could then get it all out of my system~whether it be just a rough thigh-thumping fuck, or enjoying the smell (and taste) of a woman. It sounded like a great idea at the time and now seems like some elaborate fantasy. I'm interpreting this epiphany as a sign that I'm willing to indulge in a physical relationship, but may not be ready/able to engage in a commitment. *sigh* A fuckbuddy sure would be nice.

My new roommate is turning out to be a nice addition to the household. She's pleasant to be around and I enjoy that I can be in her presence while we share silence. It's also nice to have someone else to smoke with in the house. We can lounge outside and enjoy the act of smoking while we chat about random things. Unfortunately, I'm finding myself more and more attracted to her, but could this just be because I'm seeking female companionship? *shrugs* I think I'm asking too many questions again and probably over-analyzing the situation. To further convolute things, she has been dating a mutual friend since she moved up here, so yeah, I guess it's best to keep things to myself.

I've dropped hints now and then about my attraction to her. Yesterday, I finally figured out who she reminds me of; one of my sister's oldest friend. Mmmm...she had some lovely legs and the most adorable freckles. Call me crazy, but I've always been highly attracted to girls with freckles. Roommie has herself some nice legs as well, but only because she played soccer for so many years.

Anyway, I'm quietly hoping things don't work out for her and her current man, but this is only a selfish wish.

What I'm doing lately: My book reading orgy is ongoing and it's starting to be a really great distraction from what I was doing prior to this activity. On a side note; I still can't seem to get myself out of playing this fucking game. I used to think this was the only thing I do really well, but after I thought about it, I excell in making excuses and making things disappear.

It still amazes me...

that my mood can be completely turned around by my kids.

Friday afternoon, I picked up the little girl at school and was greeted with a torso crushing hug. I could feel the stress literally draining right out of me during our embrace. It's strange that she can sense that I want to hold her for a long time. We left the school grounds hand in hand with my face beaming like I just won the Lottery.

The boy's bus arrived just as we pulled up, which is perfect because I wanted to show my face to his bus driver in the event that I ever had to pick him up again in the future. He seemed to be happy to see me in spite of our recent spats. I wont get into details, but I will say that we've had a hard time training him on the finer details of making sure his body is well maintained (within acceptable 11 yr old standards). It had gotten to a point where I confronted him in a very cross tone, one he had apparently been stewing on since the last time I spoke with him.

I'll digress for a moment to explain something that's pretty important detail to all of this. Apparently, the medication he's taking has a particular side effect that makes his bowels harder to control. As a result, and I realize I said I wouldn't mention this before, but I'm on a roll, sue me~he has a tendency to accidentally shit himself. From the perspective of an 11 yr old, I would imagine he would be very embarrassed by this and he wont say anything about it until we detect that faint odor of fecal matter.

Unfortunately, I didn't know this until his Professor told me about one of the side effects of his meds. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear this~and I told him about it the minute I stepped in the house. I apologized to him and told him I was wrong to scorn him for doing something he didn't know why was happening. I'm pretty sure this put his mind at ease because he perked up while en route to my home.

His Mother tells me that he was in much better spirits lately and I explained that I apologized for how I treated him. It's nice to finally know why this was happening...as a parent, I felt very demoralized by it and let my emotions get the best of me. Next thing we need to do is talk with the Doc about changing his meds (I'd really like him off them completely).

In other news, I called my Mom on Mother's Day. It was tough holding back my desire to unleash the enormous volume of tears I have stored up when I spoke with her. I managed to talk with her about my kids without tear shed and she assured me that they could help me out with transportation costs. It was really great talking to her again, but I still get choked up whenever she asks how I'm doing. It's tough when you can't even tell your own mother how bad your life seems to have gotten. The truth of the matter is that I feel ashamed for where I am in life. My folks have never given me the impression that they're disappointed with me, in fact, they've always offered me encouragement.

Whenever I learn to ask for help, I hope this lump in my throat goes away. Maybe by then I would have the confidence that I could maintain a relationship.

Nice Weather but...

Not exactly the nicest time of year for yours truly, but I'm here pouring it out for all to see (or ignore).

What's been going on with me lately? I wish I could say that things have been exciting for me and that I'm having a grand ol' time fornicating with a substantial number of adorable Women. It's not true of course, but a guy can dream, cant he?

The books have been keeping my brain occupied much like the Smut I was reading last week. My recent introverted demeanor has used reading as a way for me to hide in my proverbial cave until I feel like continuing with the hunt. Friends have been a little concerned about me when I go into hiding like this, but I'm doing my best to assure them that things are 'okay' or mediocre at best.

This happens to be a time where I would prefer to be alone rather than interact with coworkers, friends, or even roommates. It's really nothing personal...after all, I'm pretty much avoiding any contact with my family as well. My Sisters and Mother have been trying to contact me to make arrangements to visit San Diego sometime mid June, but I don't even know if I can afford to visit with my current financial state.

My kids are due to spend a few weeks with my folks in SD, but I'll have to bite the bullet and ask them to help me pay for the train tickets. I realize it's silly to have as much pride in my self sufficiency, but it literally hurts me to ask them for help. They've already helped me so much and I feel like I've done nothing but extend my hand for more assistance. It's a stupid, ugly downward spiral and I suspect that I'll eventually give in and make another choked up phone call to my parents.

Fucking humility...oh how I hate that word.

Random Smutty Question:

How would you feel about someone of the opposite sex telling you that they've masturbated to one of your pics, or while they thought of you?

My Smutty Answer: Duh, of course I think that would be hot...hot enough to probably touch myself in return. I do suppose it would depend on who it was that was thinking about me while she played with herself.