Holiday Party

My new company's holiday party was this past Saturday. Everyone was dressed up and looking their best. What can I say that I haven't already about how awesome this company is? The party was no resemblance to disappointment, hell, I'm thinking it was probably the best I've ever attended.

It could've been the fact that there was an open bar, or maybe the sushi bar, and maybe even the clams in the shell. Needless to say, they didn't spare many expenses and I was very happy to see almost the entire party as drunk as can be.

Unfortunately, I had to leave early because I had to take the BART back and didn't feel like taking a cab all the way home.

The end.

Dear New Landlord,

I wanted to thank you for having me here in spite of the fact that my credit is less than exemplary and you allowed me to move in on such short notice. There are a few things I would like to bring to your attention that may effect my overall satisfaction of being here. Pull up a chair, this wont be brief:

"The Internets are bad"

Have you ever heard of 'overutilization'? It's why we're getting 300 motherfucking milliseconds to our gateway IP. I realize we're all nerds here, but there's a reason I asked you if we could upgrade our bandwidth. Obviously 3 males simultaneously downloading Porn will not be able to do so without having to delay our orgasms to the message 'Buffering'. While I must admit that this form of prolonging my orgasm is new and interesting, it is significantly more new than it is interesting.

I guess I took my last connection for granted because I never had this problem...having to wait for my streaming video. It's such a foreign concept to me, much like paying for sex.

"Insulation is for suckers"

It's a good thing I've got some extra weight on me, otherwise, I'd be developing frostbite in here. And it's also fortunate you have provided me this space heater, otherwise, my genitals might retreat back into my body. I need them for later...maybe, so let's hope this Winter is a mild one, m'kay?

"What do you mean Mary isn't welcome??"

My good friend Mary Jane likes to visit every once in a while and maybe nobody mentioned this to you, but this is California ffs! This is one of those partially liberal states where they have decriminalized possession of Mary Jane to the point where it's a misdemeanor (unless you're planning on going big) to be caught with less than an ounce.

For those of you that have been living under a rock your whole life, an ounce of pot is roughly a two month supply (if you smoke it every day, several times a day). If you're caught here in Cal with less than an ounce, you get a fine, and you don't do jail time. Geez-fucking-wiz, that's almost a felony (but hey genius, it's not)!

Your reasoning was that you wouldn't want your home to be taken away because of any illegal activities or drugs on the premises, but guess what, who the fuck would suspect this place of such a thing? Every Sunday night, your nerd friends come here and watch episodes of DS9 and Star Trek. I'm sure the Police would be very interested in them getting drunk and crazy with Ice Cream and Soda. Seriously dude, in spite of what you think is worthy of getting the attention of the fuzz, your den of level 19 thieves will have to do better than what i've seen so far.

There's got to be something more than just fear of being caught with a generous stash of drugs on your premises. Remind me to corner you some day and pursue this answer so I don't have to think you're a goddamn pussy.

"Free Cable"

That's neat that you have Cable in the main house and an antiquated coaxial cable out here where I live. So I'm paying for this, right? It's included in the total cost of the place? Cool, so do I get a discount since the cable in the house doesn't even have a DVR? If this were 2005, I would take my cake and be fucking thankful I even had it. Again, it's not motherfucker. It's not even 2007 anymore. I know this because otherwise I would be pissed off that I had to start this year over again.

Now that that's out of the way...

Please leave my compliments to your wife for cooking such a fantastic meal tonight. It almost made up for the fact that I had to wait 3 hours to download one of my 30 minute shows tonight.

To be continued....

The Big Move

Today, my muscles are sore and ankle is protesting at any additional weight I place on it. It never fails to have some sort of injury while moving from one place to another and this time was no exception. I thought that I might finally have a move where I did not manage to injure myself, but as soon as I stepped off the ramp (while unloading the truck), my foot hit an uneven part of the driveway and my ankle went 'POP' followed by me yelping in pain.

I thought I really fucked it up (my ankle), but I can at least walk on it and it doesn't seem to be swollen (much). That health insurance doesn't kick in until the new year, so I'm thankful it wasn't worse. In the mean time, I'm managing to get around albeit slowly.

Hopefully my ankle will recover in time for my company's Holiday Party.

Jobstuffs

I know after my last post, you might be thinking that I'm like a penis in a world of open and eager vaginas, but contrary to that, I assure you that this is just my overwhelmed exposure to a new professional environment.

It's more like I'm the newest addition to a happy family.

Seriously, I feel like the newborn cog to a highly tuned machine and it's all I can do to suppress the giddy feeling I have to shriek the exclamation 'AWESOME' in 10 minute increments. That's how much I love my new job.

Although my new boss and I have butted heads on a few occasions, I feel that I was made to accomplish this position. It's so nice to wake up every day looking forward to what is in store for you (me). I haven't felt this good in several years about where I am (career-wise) and I want to tell the world how fucking great it feels.

I suppose it's partly due to the fact that I haven't found a job that can not only take advantage of what I currently know, but will also educate me in other facets of the industry. It's been a challenge to find a company that needs my specialized skills and fuel my desire to add the personal touch which I so desperately need to display.

As you probably already know, I absolutely love to give people 'warm fuzzies' for a living. In this day and age, it's rare to find people that are willing and able to provide this feeling. When you call a company for help, it's common to find some jackass that's just there to answer the phone; I fucking hate this as a consumer. Nothing is worse than dealing with a person that reads from a script and can barely relate to what you're going through.

In my current position, I'm one of the few that are available to solve your problem and make you feel like you're a king/queen. Is it worth it to have someone like this working for you? It sure as fucking hell is. I think, as people of the World, we deserve to feel like the person on the other end of the phone gives a shit about what you're going through. It's like cheap Psych-Therapy and I'm proud to say that I will make you feel like I will solve any problem you give me. That's just me and all I want is you to say 'thanks for doing this'. Is that such a hard reward to give?

Anyway, I love my fucking job and where I work is also a perk as far as I'm concerned. Be jealous, make me feel like I earned this fucking position. If you don't, oh well, I still feel this way without your support.

Could life get much better? Hell yes...but I'll take what I have now and thank Karma for her generosity. Thanks Karma, I dont' care what other people say about you, you're 'Okay' in my book!

Where are my Blinders?

Lately I've had to restrain my need to admire the opposite sex in a long, savoring way. Meaning I am prone to daydream while visually enjoying the sensuous curve of a woman's buttocks, even if others my see me do this. Yes people, this is bad when you're starting at a new job...period. It's must worse now that I work with a number of very attractive women in my immediate area.

Take today for example. There I was minding my own business, making my way to the break room and I see the glorious gift to manhood, also known as 'Jean' (no, that's not her real name) bending over to get a closer look at the contents of the community 'Fridge'. Her hypnotic backside almost nearly made me lose balance when I entered said break room. If I were a God- fearing man, I'd say that God put her ass on this world to test my faith. And if that were really the case, I'd be broken and hoping my death would be swift and painless.

Jean was wearing my favorite Human invention (next to the blowjob); Pinstripe pants and, today, I couldn't have been more thankful for being a man. In the eternity that I examined her delicious posterior, I concluded that she was wearing a thong. What a lucky thong. *sigh*

See what I have to deal with? And it doesn't help that the IT girl is as cute as she is smart and geeky. I should post some of the things she says to me in email and in passing so you can see how adorable she is. You'd probably even have a pretty good idea on how hard it is for me not to flirt with this one.

Now you all know why I prefer working with men. You fucking women are too distracting! *grumbles*