I'm a user

/rant-on

After careful consideration, it would seem that I'm now using blogger as my personal dumping ground. Call it self-analysis therapy or airing my personal laundry for all to see. Call it whatever you wish, I'm just calling it how I see it.

The fact is...there's been a lot on my mind lately and I haven't had much zeal to share it because I dislike reading it later, then thinking, 'what a fucking whiner!' Seriously, I have issues with hating myself for expression of frustration with being where I place myself. Like the last post about being in the Friendzone...I intentionally put myself in these positions and I have nobody to blame but myself.

If you haven't guessed this is where it would seem that I'm taking the proverbial bat to my bony fleshy parts (genitalia excluded), but it's not. I'm taking the cynical scientific approach today and it may only seem like I'm conducting public self-beating. Seriously.

Now back to my point.

Self-analysis is important for my recent thoughts because I want to change my behavior. I want to be responsible with my money, I want to have a nympho girlfriend, I want to have my car working again so I don't have to spend all of my fucking time en route to work and back. Not all of these things can be solved right away, but they will only become a reality once I create a budget and stick to it. I've created them in the past, but stick with them? Naaa...who the fuck needs another inanimate object telling you what-the-fuck to do? I certainly don't, but you know I'm just being sarcastic here. I really do. I really fucking do need this because I am so unsatisfied with where I am in life.

I'm fed up with being broke. I'm goddamned tired of not being able to afford to spoil my kids. I have been entirely too selfish with my money and just like the Friendzone, I have no one else to blame but myself.

So, moving forward...no more booze, no more cigs, no more blowing my money on things that aren't necessary. I need some sobriety anyway. As much as I'd love to spend a little money on getting stoned, I know that's not possible either if I want to pull myself out of this.

So that's it, that's the scoop, but it's more like a pile.

/rant-off

Stuck in the Friendzone (and okay with it)

I think I've mentioned this in the past where I am a prisoner here in Just-Friendsland. Nobody seems to know where the keys are to get out of this fucking place and I'm beginning to think I'm okay with being stuck here.

Out of all my previous relationships (which, by default, makes them unsuccessful), I'd say one factor that is significantly missing would be friendship. No matter how I spin it, I was either only briefly friends with them, or was simply infatuated with them. It requires a lot of patience to be friends with someone first and I dont' believe I was capable of it until recently.

Some would call this 'settling for friendship' and I only say this for lack of a better verbal description. I'm now close friends with a number of women whom I have grown to admire and could easily fall for if ever the chance came to be. Even if it never becomes anything beyond our friendship, it's still gratifying to know that they equally care for me.

I suppose this is me holding onto hope that this behavior will be rewarded someday with the woman of my dreams, but in a way, I already have several wonderful women to call 'mine' (my friend, not yours!).

For now, patience and faith are allies in search for my better half.

"All the good ones are taken"

I said this to myself the other day while at a friend's impromptu bbq after having a fantastic conversation with a very lovely and very unavailable woman. Something told me she was taken, and this was before I spotted the ring; she was way too friendly and inviting...and of course because I found her attractive.

Is there something about them being taken that makes me attracted to them? All of my friends' respective wives and girlfriends are attractive to me. Could this be because I'm so 'in tuned' with my friends that I also share their tastes in women? I should hope so. The women they're with all adore me and why shouldn't they? I'm no harm to them and we mutually fluff eachothers' egos.

It never fails that I always walk away (from said events with previously mentioned unavailable women) feeling like I'm really missing out on having a significant other. When I try to convince myself that there are others out there, they seem like some far-away island that I can only read about in National Geographic. And I don't even have a subscription!

So here we are again wondering how to get to point Q when I have yet to pass through C, much less B. I should rename the title of this post as 'Stuck at point A'.

Here's where I make more excuses about why I'm only content with being single. It's too bad you've all heard them before, so what's the point in repeating what's already well known?

'What we have here...is a failure to communicate.'

This is something that I'm seeing more often lately. This is a problem that I'm not seeing how I can get around without some sort of confrontation. It's clear to me now that I am a significantly different with communication than my boss.

An example of our differences:
"Please provide an update on this situation. -Thanks!" - Me
"Why cant you get your act togeter" - Her

See the differences? Here, I am at least remaining civil and focused on respectfully requesting assistance. And here's bosswoman properly alienating our vendors while also demonstrating poor communication skills. These are the times in which I question my reality on whether this is acceptable or not. My gut tells me, 'No'. The little voice in my head that corrects my own grammar/spelling is screaming, so I suppose it would be accurate to say that if I see this kind of behavior in formalized communications (emails, internally or externally), I tend to judge them negatively.

I suppose this is my own maddening idiosyncracy working here, but I can't help but judge the company and all those associated with it when I read a poorly worded email. I naturally assume others do this when they see her emails and maybe this why it bothers me so much?

Okay, rant's over now. Back to work for me!

The all-nighter

Tonight, I will likely be up all night...literally working. It wont really be much I need to do. I just need to keep heckling our vendor until someone else fixes it. It's my job to be a pest, but I think I do it quite well.


My son got to hear me working last saturday (all day) because I was 'on-call' this week. He tells others that I 'talk to people' for a living. Hehe, I suppose that's pretty accurate. I do talk to people all day on the phone. I help them fix stuff, I answer their questions, and most importantly, I enjoy helping people...you know...blah blah blah.


So this evening, I have a ticket in which I need to call someone every hour to ask 'Is it fixed yet??' Good times! At least I can drink lots of caffiene.