Random thoughts

- Note to self, Look for driver of the beige sedan with the Mickey Mouse-head antennae cover next time I decide to leave work at rush hour (5pm). I couldn't flip off that sonofabitch enough last time he decided to pass me on the shoulder.

Short digression on Road Rage:
As a daily commuter, I ask my brothers and sisters of the road to chill...the...fuck...out. I'm just as anxious about getting home as the rest of us~now please read the letters on my middle finger. Look closer.

Okay, you got me...I don't have anything written on my middle finger. Carry on.

- I've recently discovered how much my intestines hate Jalapenos. It's a shame because my mouth really likes them. They're worth it if only for the instant gratification.

- Laundry doesn't get done by itself unless you live with your parents. *sigh* Despite my powers of imagination, I still can't summon Laundry Gnomes.

- My fucking clutch's hydraulic system has a leak and have I mentioned how much automobile maintenance sucks?

- Today, I'm not gonna talk about work cuz it's just really not worth it.

- I'm not ashamed to admit that I like Coldplay.

- Have I mentioned I really need a Vacation (Holiday)?

- I'm contemplating an extended holiday from my computer (outside work). What the hell would I do to occupy that timeline? Rhetorical question.

- My diet is the antithesis of exemplary. This needs to change.

- My Mother once suggested that I write down all the things I look for in a woman. I might do that sometime.

- It's been 2 weeks since I've seen my kids. Damn, I miss em.

- I think one of my Managers wears a toupee'~I realize this seems like I'm talking about work, but I'm clearly just making fun of a hairpiece.

- Someone please take the Hot Weather away, I'm done almost crashing my vehicle while indulging in the appreciation of warm climate clothing.

Tech Support Tale

Me: Hi, I'm calling from a reputable ISP. I need to arrange a dispatch for my client at number ##########.
Them: Hello Sir, my name Michael, may I have the phone number you're calling about please?
Me: Sure, it's ##########.
Them: And who may I know I am talking to?
Me: (holding back my laughter) Al.
Them: And what is your last name (pause), Al?
Me: Caholic (stifling laughter the best I can).
Them: Alright, Al-Caholic, thank you sir.

For the next 5 minutes I hear him typing away and mumbling to himself. Mind you, he hasn't asked me anything since I gave him my last name.

Them: Very well Al, how can I help you today?
Me: Well Mike, as you may have already heard, I am requesting a dispatch to resolve an ongoing issue at my client's location. Their equipment is synced up, so I just need a tech to prove they can 'surf' behind the modem. I am aware of the billable charges and accept them as necessary.
Them: (obviously what I said to him completely went over his head, so he proceeded to the next question on his script) And what operating system do you have sir?
Me: They don't have a computer at this site. They only have a router and a POS (Point-of-Sales Machine which is responsible for their ATM/Credit Card Transactions), which is not a Computer.
Them: What operating system are you using to connect to the internet?
Me: You just asked me that question buddy. I said there are no computers at this location. Just a Cisco Router, and a box that processes ATM/Credit Card transactions.
Them: (Shuffling papers was all I was heard for the next 30 seconds. He finally spoke in a more clear tone) And have they been ever to connect to the internet before?
Me: Yes, most recently two days ago.
Them: I'm sorry to hear about that sir, I will do my best to get this resolved. May I place you on hold while I test the line?
Me: No, you may not. The line is fine. It's synced, I can assure you that there's nothing wrong with the line. Please schedule a billable dispatch as soon as possible.
Them: Okay sir, I'm placing you on hold now for testing
Me: NO wait! (before I can protest, he places me on hold for the next 5 minutes)

5 minutes pass and finally takes me off hold...

Me: I asked you not to place me on hold.
Them: Thank you for holding sir, I have tested the line and everything looks to be working just fine.
Me: Uh huh, can you please schedule a dispatch now?
Them: but the line tests clean sir, a Technician visit would not solve this problem.
Me: And I told you that the line is just fine. (Now spoken slowly and firmly) I would like for you to arrange a billable dispatch as soon as possible...Please.
Them: I will have to send you to another department to have this done, but I will have to fill out a ticket first.
Me: Whatever dude, just please get this moving...it shouldn't be taking this long.

At this point, I'm annoyed as hell. Michael is a gentleman of Indian descent and seems to only understand approximately 10% of what I say...but I have been told that I am a patient and fair person at least once. Let's see if I can't prove them right.

Them: Thank you for holding, I have a few more questions for you before I can transfer you sir.
Me: Let's hear it.
Them: What operating system are you using?
Me: (I laugh incredulously right into the phone) You're not friggen serious, are you?
Them: Yes, I need to know the operating system you are using.
Me: This is the last time I'm telling you Mike, so please pay attention and take notes if you'd like *ahem*;
1) I am not at the location
2) There are no computers at this location.
3) In order to have an Operating System, they would have to be using a Computer.
4) They don't have a computer, therefore they do not have an Operating System
5) This location does not have a computer, but if you really want to fill out the whole ticket, you can just put 'Window's XP'.

He seemed satisfied with that answer (the last one) and asked me one last doozie before I asked for his Supervisor.

Them: Could you please provide your callback number so the technican can call you when he's near your home?
Me:........
Me: (after moments of silence~I was stunned he asked me this question) I'm done with you. I want to speak with your Supervisor.

I was impressed with how quickly I got that dispatch scheduled when I finally got transferred to a local Support Center (California). 'Fuck Outsourcing' is all I gotta say.

All in a day's work.

Dear Fuckface,

It is not okay for you to call me on my extension and demand service when I have specifically told you to call another number. Secondly, it's not my fault god hates you and gave you a significantly smaller ape-brain than the rest of the populace.

It is also not okay to leave me voicemail threatening to address my poor customer service skills to my Superior when I fail to answer your 3rd call to me (in the last hour).

When I give people my number here at work, it's implied that you use it only as a last resort. It doesn't mean you get to go to the front of the line to get your trivial matter resolved.

I'm really sorry your consultant gave you the fingerwave just recently, but this still doesn't excuse this now 4th voicemail you've left me today. Do you suppose his motivation to leave you in your hour of ignorance may be related to the email you CC'd me on last week? What was it again...you called him 'incompetent' and 'unprofessional'?

I'm definitely not one to judge here...

Nevermind. I'm sure you'll figure it out some day.

Signed,

The 'Tech-guy'

PS. My name isn't 'Cubby'~*twitch* fucker.

Mammaries and Memories

It's a sad day for those of you that remember Mr. Wizard. He died the other day unfortunately. For the longest time, I wanted to be Mr. Wizard because of all the cool shit he knew how to do. Hell, he made Macguyver look like a reject Boyscout back in the day.

One of my most vivid memories of Mr. Wizard was when I was probably about 10-ish. I was at friend's house and we made it a habit to watch his show just before watching the 'Robotech' cartoon. This is the same friend that had parents who always seemed to be smoking something funny in the house when I came over. They also had a few plants on their roof~which didn't really seem all that unusual until I thought about it later.

The Graduate

My son just recently graduated from 5th grade and will be going into mainstream classes next year, so we decided to take him out to a local restaurant in celebration. He was really close with his Teacher and we know he's not happy about moving to another class, but hey, we gotta move on sometime. Anyway, we decided to invite his Teacher along who happens to be cute in a Lisa Loeb sorta way. She honored us with her presence that evening and I was hoping for a chance to get to know her (outside the classroom). Once my chance presented itself, I chit-chatted with her for about 15 minutes alone until my son re-appeared at the table.

The little shit, smug look and all, decided to bust his old man in the chops in front of his Teacher by saying to her, 'My dad likes you! He thinks you're cute and wants to ask you out!'. In that 8 seconds, he managed to make me turn 3 shades of red and it required every ounce of my patience not to put said boy in a chokehold. There was nothing I could do but sit there and turn red. I very much wanted to retaliate and tell him I knew about the girl he asked out earlier that day, but something stopped me...probably me wanting to set the right example for him.

The truth of the matter is that I did want to ask her out, but I really hadn't intended it to get blurted out so prematurely. Chalk it up to his innocence, chalk it up to his mischevious nature (no fucking clue where he gets that), chalk it up to ensure I will get even with him on this.

Fortunately for him, prior to her discovering that I liked her, I had already made up my mind about her. While I was getting to know her, I stumbled across more than a few 'deal-breakers' that made me think twice about asking her out on a date.

I still haven't decided how I'm going to bring this up to him. I was tempted to create a very vivid, emotionally scarring memory to ensure he doesn't sabotague anyone else's personal life again, but the wound is still fresh and I need time to cool off a bit. Perhaps I'll sit on it for a while until I can find a good example he can relate to.

Anyway, I'm ready for my friggen weekend to begin. Hope you all have an enjoyable Fri/Sat/Sun!

Mothers, Daughters, and Roller Coasters

The marriage finally came and went, but I have a plethora of good memories to keep from the very enjoyable weekend. Where to begin...*thinks*...I should probably start at the beginning.
Friday started out pretty nicely. I woke up bright and early (5am~dear gawd!) in order to make it to work before 6am. Although I couldn't take the day off, my boss kindly compromised with me to allow me to leave around Noon as long as I got in by 6am.

I forget just how much of a difference there is on the freeway when you leave around 5am. It was almost deserted on the freeway and I made it to work in about 20 minutes arriving 15 minutes early~Go me!

Anyway, work blew by that day and after a late meeting, I was out the door by 12:30. A little later than I had hoped, but I had enough time to pick up my little girl at school, get her stuff and then start our way down to Santa Cruz. The drive through the Bay wasn't so bad, in fact, I don't remember going under 70 until we started into the Santa Cruz mountains.

Eventually, we made it to our final destination~a campsite in the middle of a sea of Redwoods which is normally used to host kid summer camps. To say this place was beautiful would be an understatement. They had all the fun stuff kid camps have including a rope maze, swimming pool, horse enclosure, volleyball court, and poison oak! We stayed in a cozy cabin, as did others who were guests of the wedding~all of which were modestly decorated and equally proportionate.

I was very pleased with how well things went this weekend at the campsite. Not only was the wedding one of the best I've ever attended, but my little girl had a fantastic time frolicking with the other kids (also attending the wedding). I didn't invite the boy because he's 12 and basically wrinkled his nose when I mentioned 'wedding'. Kinda glad he didn't come...I would've had to entertain him while barely maintaining my own sobriety. Other than some drama created by the bride's mother, I think the whole weekend turned out to be quite memorable.

So after the wedding was all done, we spent the next day cleaning up the carnage of the post wedding reception. When things were all put back into place, it was time for check-out which left us looking for something to do before we went home. I followed some friends out to the coast and we found ourself at the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. This place is an amusement park about 300 feet from the beach and was also the first time I've ever been there.

The little girl was very stoked to get the opportunity to ride the roller coasters at this place. There's a famous wooden coaster, aptly named the 'Giant Dipper'which was the first one we rode that day. Normally, I would be too excited to pay attention to anything else other than the ride, but I watched her face the entire time. She had that look somewhere in between sheer thrill and terror, but she kept her eyes open the whole time. I will forever remember the look she had when we finished the ride~truly gleeful. The next rollercoaster was probably a step up on the entertainment scale and she seemed to like it better than the last. This is the first time she's been tall enough to go on a true roller coaster and I'm really happy I got to be there for it. Fucking great times...I was totally on cloud 9.

I'm going to have to take the boy there sometime because I know he loves the thrill rides too. I'll have to wait a few weeks to take him, but I'm sure he'll be very well entertained while at his Grandparents house next weekend.

Whenever I can find someone that had a working camera, I'll share some pics of my adventures in the woods. Hope you all had a nice weekend as well!

Only in America

Well... they let her out today. She didn't stay in there for very long and was released for 'Medical Reasons'. Why do I even care? I really don't, but the folks at CNN are stroking their peckers over this like they've just discovered an Alien fucking Race.

Our Justice system looks like a fucking joke from the outside~it's really no surprise that the other countries use us for the butt of their jokes. What's equally amazing is how much hype this got in the first place. If the Courts were looking for someone to use as an example, they could've used someone that couldn't just fucking buy their way out of Jail.

'Mummy, Daddy, those meanie justice people wont leave me alone. Can you pay for another Lawyer so I can make it to the Clubs tonight? I have a new dress I want to wear and I will not be stopped by something as stupid as the Law.'

Good...fucking...game bitch. Yes....I'm jealous.

And in other News...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19088976/from/ET/

What I wanna know is...

- What the maximum speed of those wheelchairs before it starts to fly apart?
- What kinda soda pop was it that he spilled?
- Did they ever find the soda pop can?
- How was the Truck driver alerted to the dude in the Wheelchair stuck to the front of his truck?
- How many bugs did this guy have in his teeth before the ride was over?

You're all going to hell for laughing at this, fyi.

Bachelor Party Recovery: The Summary


So the friend's bachelor party came and went this weekend. I must say that I was very impressed with the entertainment~and highly aroused by their performance. I wish I could tell you more about what happened, but given the fact that said friend's woman reads this blog. All I can really tell you is that we did many drugs, drank lots of booze, and looked at scantily clad women all night.


I'm perfectly aware that this wont win me any fans, but I'll share anyway. I'm just happy Mom and Dad aren't reading this...they'd just be so disappointed. So this weekend, I tried acid for the first time in a decade. The experience was highly memorable, but I think I would've preferred to have taken a smaller dose. Unfortunately, this lasted longer than the normal 12 hours that it takes to get out of your system.


Finally, after about 18 hours of insobriety, I made my way home to my nice comfy bed. A quick, much needed wank put me to sleep shortly thereafter. I woke up the next day refreshed and a little groggy, but I managed to make it to work on time. Not much else to share about the weekend.

The next weekend should be fun although I will be glad when it's over.

The end.