When you have nothing nice to say

Everyone's heard the expression 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all'. Well, usually when I adhere to this concept, I end up going into perpetual quiet mode. When I'm angry, I will also keep my trap shut to avoid scorching anyone unnecessarily.

This morning, I'm feeling very volatile after being welcomed with news that we are now responsible for yet another pile of troubles to deal with in my department.

I think it's not too late for me to go into another career at my current age. Manual labor is beginning to seem like a much easier path to take. I hear ditch digging can be profitable if you keep your labor costs low. Since I'll be providing all the labor, I'll work for cheap.

Here's what I have to look forward to in my next profession (Tree Trimming):

• I'll have loads and loads of firewood at my disposal.
• With all the excess twigs, branches, and sticks, I can make my own bio-degradable Hut!
• The huge blisters/callouses will serve as a reminder that I used to be the sucker that sat in an Air-conditioned office for 8+ hours a day.
• Any injuries I accumulate on the job will eventually heal whereas the mental scars I received from my current profession will never go away.
• There's the prospect of working without a shirt.
• No dress codes!
• I get to bring a chainsaw to work (and use it).
• No sudden shifts in priority (under normal conditions).
• I wont have to work 'after hours'~the sun is my timeclock!
• Earth-tones, I've been told, are 'my color'!
• There will be times when I can sing 'I'm a Lumberjack' and it's really okay.
• I'll never have to work in the Desert.
• My squirrel speaking abilities will increase a thousandfold.
• Did I mention that I get to bring a chainsaw to work?

Seriously, it's time for me to get a simple job. I thought about going back to my earliest job as a dishwasher at a retirement home, but I don't get along very well with Filipinos anymore. I can't work for Geico anymore after I told them having a Gecko to represent them would 'totally ruin their credibility'. Walmart wont take me back because I dry heave when I cross the thresh-hold of their parking lot. Hewlett Packard will probably drug test me even though they already know all their employees are potheads.

I've never been a tree trimmer, but I would think it would be pretty easy to adjust as long as I don't mind the first few months of wear n' tear on my body. I'll be so sore, I wont be able to remember how shitty my current job can be...yeah, what a nice daydream.

Year 37

Yesterday, my parents celebrated their 37th year of Marriage. It dawned on me the other day just how long they've been together. Y'see, they were High School Sweethearts and have known eachother since they were 14 years old. I think they were even dating back then which is really quite an achievement, especially by today's standards. For a long time, they were my example of a healthy marriage, but I think that was just my ignorance talking.

It seems the older I get, the more flaws I see in their Marriage. I suppose it was only a matter of time before my view of their relationship was tarnished by my own experiences. Not to say that my marriage wasn't a total loss. I still have her as a friend and sometimes our sexual history is relived in a toe-curling wank session. From my Parent's relationship, I have at least a good idea of what I don't want in a marriage. Sadly, I didn't learn from one of the most important principals until now.

While I was married, I didn't really encourage my wife to seek work or further her education. This is one of the regrets I have about the relationship, but hey, lesson learned now. My ex is one of those people that is not happy with herself if she's not being exposed to social situations. Work and College are perfect examples of this. While she was working, she was pleasant, sexually active, and energetic. When she was unemployed and primarily taking care of my kids, she slept almost constantly, became sick very easily, and getting her interested in sex took an act of god (or getting her drunk).

Nowadays, she's busy getting a college degree while also having primary care of my children. My Child Support payments are pretty high, but considering she has never once complained to me that 'it wasn't enough', I think we have a very unique situation. In addition to this, I still pay for their Health Insurance, yes...even hers. Why do I do this? The logic goes like this; She takes care of my kids when I'm not there and she has no way of paying for Health care while going to school. Some could call it leverage, but I would never use something like that to my advantage. She has never given me reason to feel that she will fuck me over or try to take my children away from me, so why provoke things? Exactly...totally not worth it when everyone's happy.

Is bad sex better than no sex at all?

A close friend of mine told me about her most recent sexual experience. When you have virtually no sex life, it's always interesting to hear about others' sexual practices. In her case, she walked away from the situation very disappointed and likely frustrated as hell. If I were closer, I would offer to make it up to her because I know enough about her to know how she likes it.

So, back to the question...is bad sex better than no sex?

I'm a guy, so bad sex is pretty difficult to have without specific anomalies. Sure, we cum, but is the orgasm really toe-curling? The last sex I had was with a woman that I didn't have much sexual attraction to, and although I enjoyed the act of intercourse, my orgasm was not even worthy of a cigarette afterwards. The other woman before my last (we'll just call her 'Disneyland') was a very good lover. She was vocal, loved the dirty talk, and even told me how naughty she felt when I pulled on her hair. I was fortunate to have had a taste of her and it's more reinforced the kinds of things I look for in a lover. Anyway, what's your opinion?

If they only made a true 'ChillPill'

Today has been an ultra stressful morning with a few key people gone here at work. There's been at least 2 times where I felt like saying 'fuck this place' and walking out. I need me a Chillpill, but obviously drugs aren't the answer. I love challenges, but this kind of stress is unacceptable. Most of the issues I'm being called upon to investigate are trivial and they're all coming up because some self-important fuckface decides he's going to contact the president.

Just leave it up to the grunts to take clean up the mess that the Management can't deal with and we just happen to get stepped on in the process.

Imagine my reaction when someone shoves a piece of paper with a customer number scrawled on it and I look up to see that I've been included on a thread of emails dating back from last year. Good-fucking-game! This is an excellent opportunity to include the Support guys in on the thread (when we should've been involved from the beginning).

To make matters worse, my whole motivation for dropping everything( that was supposed to be fixed yesterday) is that I'm now spending my whole mental wad on some fucking VP's line. I guess everyone needs their Porn.

I think I figured out why upper Management has this whole self-important ideology; They act like this because all of the shits who support them are busy kissing their ass the whole time. They love the way this feels and get used to it. Wouldn't you get pissy if someone refused to kiss your ass when everyone else is tripping over themselves to get a piece of your tuckus? Damn right I'd be pissed off! 'Everyone else is kissing my ass, why aren't you wearing your kneepads?'

I'll put on the kneepads right after I drink the Kool-aid, Chief!

On a lighter note...

I have been corresponding with a dude that has been complaining about another yahoo chat user who apparently has been sending him spam. For now, we'll just call this dude 'Bob' since he claimed that his nickname is 'Bob Squarepants'~I kid you not! So Bob has been emailing my department for more than a week now complaining that a person claiming to be one of our customers is committing illegal acts.

This is the right department for it, but Bob seems to think that we have more control over the Internets than we actually do. He has also been a champ to provide his email address and IP of the Internets Criminal that we're housing. At a glance, it looks like the IP address he provided was the company that he gets his internets from. Yes, his internets giver is Cumcast (the name has been changed to protect the internets ignorants), and he gave us invalid info. Sucks to be Bob!

So why does Bob have such a hard-on to contact us? Well the 'scumbag' (as Bob put it) is using the internets we are providing for him and he's using it to commit crimes. I guess Bob doesn't believe me when the info he keeps submitting is invalid (because it traces back to Cumcast). He then gave us the name of the vile criminal and then we let him in on a little secret; that not everyone has to tell the truth when they're logged into Yahoo Chat. Hopefully he takes it in stride. Bob has been nice enough to leave me voicemail on my phone yesterday to ensure we're going to bust our Customer's Criminal internets using buttocks. The authorities have been notified and Yahoo is also getting involved (most likely in the form of an auto-response email) or so he says.

If it weren't a huge freaking no-no for me to share company proprietary information, I would give you the highlights of his emails and my firm, yet condescending-as-hell responses. Take my word for it, there are some things here at this job that I can still find amusing even if I am tempted to turn to substance abuse to cope with it.

Well, hope all of your days are going better than mine. At least I found something to laugh about today.

The Drug Binge that never was

This kidless weekend, I was intending to lose braincells in a number of ways at what I thought was going to be a private party in the City (San Francisco). I generally limit myself to this kind of entertainment to a few times a year, so it's not like I make it a habit.

The old days, before my children arrived, consisted of daily pot consuption followed by drinking in the evening and of course, more smoking. Even back then, I demonstrated some resemblance of responsability by only doing the really mind expanding drugs a few times a year. It helped that I had very cautious friends who taught me early that following a few simple rules would ensure I had a good time and remained safe. In a nutshell, I guess you could say that I've had a very positive exposure to recreational drug use.

Hence why I still look forward to the occasional mind-twisting weekends where I say afterwards, 'Thank fuck I don't do this very often'.

Moving on, Saturday evening arrived and my chemical additive representative failed to initiate a response to my communication. Oh well, there will always be other things to occupy the remaining braincells in it's absence.

We drove to the city in separate cars and eventually found a parking in the city, which was conveniently across the street from our destination. I can't remember the name of the place, but it was quite a bit more posh than I expected. The drinks were expensive, but I tend to be a lightweight when it comes to liquor. Several strong drinks later, and I was flirting with a few nice young ladies outside. They were cute, but didn't seem very available, but hey, I was very intoxicated and wouldn't have been able to tell if they were interested or not.

The after party, I can only remember bits and pieces of it. I do recall becoming very ill after consuming the 'thresh-hold' drink. The 'Thresh-hold' drink is that one last drink you have which you force yourself to consume with the knowledge it will likely push you over the edge.

Fortunately for me, there were many very helpful party-goers who took care of me by handing me bottles of water. After finally puking in a discreet place, I felt almost completely recovered from my intoxicated state. The last thing I remember is being hugged by a stranger whose name I somehow remembered as 'Candace'. She had sexy glasses and the hug made me wish I had flirted with her more.

Overall, I had a pretty good evening as did my friends. Next time, I think i'll be the Designated Driver so I can be more concious of my surroundings (and female signals).

The end.

Marriage Proposal to Asian Cuisine

To my darling sushi rolls I consumed the other day;

I love thee as much as man can love seafood delicately wrapped in tasty rice and other things my palate desires. Not only are you served by sexy asian girls, but you are worth the expensive price tag...totally worth it.

If you would've told me a few years ago that Sushi would be at the top of my list of favorite dishes, I would've recommended you seeing your shrink in higher frequency. Thankfully, I've had the right people introduce me to the 'noob' sushi first, then gradually adapted me to other tasty treats.

Whenever I bring up the concept of sushi to my kids, they make sour faces and express their disfavor. I will continue to work on them in the hopes that some day, I'll hear one of them say, 'Dad, let's get some sushi!'. Yeah right.

This Friday

Today consisted of talking with women of unusually sexy brains and the attempt at making it look like I was working. It was a nice distraction from the mundane day of talking with people who only want my superior Customer Service skillz.

Later, we sent off my boss to another place in a place that thanks whatever gawds there are that it's Friday.

On a lighter note...I was witness to some jackass being pulled over by the Highway Patrol for driving through the carpool lane with only one person~BUSTED! Very rewarding in spite of my late arrival to my workplace.

This weekend, I intend to enjoy the music and sanctity of my solitude. Hope all yours are as equally indulgent!

Recycled List from the past

I was looking at some old LJ content from a little over a year ago and stumbled across an amusing perspective of my mistakes. Some of these mistakes I've personally made, others are ones I thought were important to include.

Sure I could've just copied and pasted, but I'm no longer paranoid about sharing the pre-blogger days. And now for your general amusement....

http://tobiwan.livejournal.com/21604.html

I blame the Captain

Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum is responsible for the comments following this short disclaimer.

*belch*

Anyway, I resemble a broken soul right now. Broken, I say? With good reason, I sit before thee with intentions of bearing my heart for all to see and mock if the mood is right. My fingers stumble over my thoughts as gather them in my inebriated state. I have much to express and little to hide while the Captain's truth serum guides me to enlightenment.

Some of you may remember that I have two beautiful offspring to unleash upon the world. While I am, myself, a youthful father, I worry that I wont give my children the proper tools to survive the evils of society. This is something I think we all give warranted grief towards and hope that the knowledge we pass upon them will someday lead them to success. I worry, I admit this, that my example will taint their perspective, but also hope that they will learn from my mistakes and learn from their own. I can only hope.

The Rum is quickly taking over my motor skills and ability to rationalize why I began the thread in the first place. This surely isn't the best Spiced Rum i've had in my history. I recall tasting and indulging in some Oz rum that both quenched my palate and kicked my backside into insobriety, but I still can't remember the name to save my miserable hide. Maybe Rumple will remind me so I can say that I've had a taste of his homeland and lived to tell the tale.

Rumple is a bloke that married my sister's friend and eventually brought her back to Australia. I can recall when she came back after a few years of being there. Although she was only in her early 20's, the continent quickly assimilated any resemblance of her American accent/demeanor. This was my first experience with how ones' environment could alter their whole pattern of speech and gave me an appreciation of how complex our minds were to adaptation.

Aside from my nerdy observations, she was the same as she ever was~sweet and considerate to those in her presence. Out of all of my sister's friends, Leese was by far, my favorite personality. It was only appropriate that she met Rumple at Uni and gave him his first-born. Some day, I will visit them in a place called Queensland which I have yet to Google.

I'm sure there's some point to my meaningless rambling, but I again have to blame the Captain for his negative influence over me. Maybe this is a good sign that I need to pack up my inebriated ass and head to slumber.

Yeah.

Thanks for the buzz Captain, I will always be a worthy crewmember as long as I can stagger in your general direction for guidance.

*HIC*

Msadlf;kjh;lkjh'lkjsa'dfljth;l*snore*

Updating the Playlist

Today, in spite of doing anything remotely work-related, I updated my dusty playlist. JD always has something related to music in her posts. This tells me that she's very serious about her music. At a glance, I see that my mp3 folder is now responsible for 50% of my total used space on my hard drive. I am also very music oriented since I can't seem to work without something going in the background.

Here's a sample of what's in my existing playlist (listed in no particular order of preference):

Weezer - Surf Wax America
The Clash - Clampdown
George Thoroughgood - One Burbon, one Scotch, one Beer
REM - Pop Song 89
Stevie Wonder - Superstition
Ben Harper - Faded
Johann Strauss II - The Blue Danube
Fishbone - Party at Ground Zero
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
Gustav Holst - The Planets (Jupiter is my fave!)
L7 - Pretend we're dead
Edvard Grieg - In the Hall of the Mountain King
The Vandals - Oi to the World
The Smiths - Unloveable
Nirvana - Kiss Molly's Lips
Daft Punk - Around the World
The Ziggens - I took my Mom to the Prom
The Eagles - Take it easy
Paul Van Dyke - Castles in the Sky
Orbital - Halcyon and on
Fatboy Slim - Funk Soul Brother
Grandaddy - AM180
Dead Kennedys - Jesus was a terrorist

I suppose the only genre I haven't included is something from the Rap Genre and maybe Country. Hm...at a second glance, it appears that I have:

Beastie Boys - No Sleep till Brooklyn
Run DMC - You be illin
Garth Brooks - Friends in low places

There! Those two genres are now covered.

Why is music so important to me? I wish I knew...I just love how it makes my brain do somersalts when the beat is right. A friend of mine asked me why I don't dance when I go with them to the Country Western Bar (aka the 'Saddlerack'). I suppose it's because I can't really relate to the music.

"Give me something I can dance to" I slur in response to her. She tells me that I would get laid if I asked more women to dance with me. Considering I don't get laid as it is, I suppose there's nothing to lose, but it sure does help when I enjoy the music. In a few weeks, I'll be going to the City (San Francisco) with friends to see a DJ friend play some music. There will be much indulgence that evening. I'm sure they will play music I can dance to and dance is what I'll do. If anything interesting happens, I'll be sure to share it with y'all.

The Present Weekend

This weekend, I plan on copious amounts of cuddling with the little girl while her brother wastes his youth on video games. I haven't seen them in a few weeks, and I'm starting to feel the effects of it (in the form of thinking about them more than I think about sex). Hard to believe that an extra week away from them would make me miss them so much.

Anyway, hope you all have a pleasant friday/saturday/weekend.

Thank you for Complying

I haven't switched to the new blogger as of yet and I'm slightly burnt that I will eventually be forced to move to it. Why am I so stubborn to switch? It could be that whole 'Beta' thing in the title of Beta Blogger. To me, 'Beta' means the same as 'haven't worked out all the bugs yet'. In my stubborn protest, I have drafted a 'fuck you very much' message to the Google Blogger people:

Dear Blogger People,

I resent you fuckers for making me migrate to your new blogger software as well as forcing me to create a Google account. This is exactly what I despise doing besides deleting chain letters from my inbox! Thank you for making me nearly sprain my middle finger as I extended it to every key-mashing fuckface in your organization this morning. May the sweat accumulating in your various glandular locations produce bird-sized, disease infested mosquitos!

Sincerely,

Toby

PS. Google desktop eats ass.

You should all know

I'm jealous of those of you that can blog every day, sometimes twice a day. I can't bring myself to do it. If I had more time to do it at work, I'm sure I would be able to come up with something reasonably entertaining to share.

By the time I get home from a day of fickle phone queues and a constant change in my list of priorities, the last thing I want to do is nail my scrotum to a piece of plywood, closely followed by touching my computer.

How many times will you hear me say I hate my job this week? It all depends on how close you sit to my desk and if I choose to say it loud enough for management to hear.

Today, I got shot down when pushing for higher priority with my primary role: Abuse. What do I do here at the Abuse desk? If it were about abusing my authority and making people cry, I think I could do it and not lose a wink of sleep, but that's not the case. Here at the abuse desk, I'm responsible for enforcing our Acceptable Use Policy, which is a legal agreement that our customers must adhere to if they wish to maintain internet with us. The 'AUP' is pretty simple; don't send spam (this includes virus infected PCs and Servers), don't distribute copyrighted material, and don't do any illegal shit on our network. The specifics, I wont get into because my blog is boring enough as it is. Just know that the lines of our agreement are very easy to follow as long as you have half a brain.

Anyway, I found out recently that my boss will be leaving for another job which has many of us, including my Lead tech, brushing up their resume. I feel now that this company is doomed than I ever did before. Most of us believe that the management will dissolve his position and move my team under a singular Supervisor. Said prospective Supervisor is not very well liked by anyone and I doubt any of us really want to work under him.

Enough about that, there are other subjects I wanted to get off my chest today.
Groundhog's day has always been a memorable day for me because I used to call a certain woman on this day every year. Her birthday is today, she is 33 and I haven't spoken to her in about 4 years now. This was a woman I considered to be the 'one that got away' after she moved to another state. Sadly, I had more than one opportunity to tell her how I felt about her, but never trusted my instincts. I found out later she was equally fond of me and would've stayed with me had she known. This is where I usually let out a very audible sigh and pine for her like I did all those years ago. Obviously, there is still part of her in my heart, which is why I always think about her on this day. I think about the opportunity I had to kiss her and how I totally fucked that up by assuming that our slow roast was just an act of friendship. As you can probably guess, I dwelled on that for a long time, even after I found out she got married and had children with him.

I miss you Gayle...I'm sorry we never got to hold hands while we made fun of people at the Coffee shop. If I had to do it over again, I would've kissed you when you dropped me off at home after we had too much to drink. And when your boyfriend was away, I gave you flowers and hoped you would leave him for me because he didn't love you as much as I did.

I wonder what you're doing right now on your birthday and hope that you'll think of me as I do about you on this day. Even if you don't, just know that I think you're a very special woman, one that I missed my chance to cherish.

In retrospect, I get down on myself for pining so much for women I can't have. It's the proverbial story of my life. I love too easily, and get broken hearted just as quickly. While I pretend that this doesn't effect me at all, it's made me absolutely paranoid about meeting anyone new. It doesn't help that I think about all the missed opportunities I've had in the past and how things could've gone differently if only I had listened to my instincts. Back to those again...instincts. Why do I doubt them so much when they have been more successful than my emotionally fueled logic?

That's all for now, I'm gonna go spend some time with Mary jane.