Insatiable and Restless

I've been restless since I came back from SD. I can't explain completely why I don't feel anywhere content with where I am in life. I wouldn't compare this to a 'mid-life' crisis because I don't exactly know when 'mid-life' happens to be.

While I realize that this goes against my new policy of focusing on the things I have (and not the contrary), it's still a significant subject on my mind.

As far as finding a 2nd job, I have been scouring Craig's list to find something I can do on the off-hours when I'm not here at work. I have been spoiled with the 'casual' work environment for so long, I wonder if I can even tolerate having to acclimate to another place without some growing pains. This brings me to wondering what the hell I'm qualified to do outside of this job. At least, if I go in for an interview, I'll have the backup/confidence of already having a job which is infinitely better than looking for one while being unemployed.

I spend too much time thinking

And not enough time enjoying or taking part in activities. They say that the 'Idle mind is the Devil's playground' and while this applies to me when I sleep, you could say that I feel that my mind is always in motion when I'm awake. We all know that I spend my time daydreaming about sex, but that's not really enough to occupy it, so I do other things like listen to music and write when I find things to share/talk about.

My over-analytical nature really helps with my job, but outside of that, it's a serious pain in the ass to discourage. I attribute some of my former personal relationships being destroyed because I read too deeply into something they said/wrote/did. This is something that locks me up from meeting new people. I know...I just need to relax and let my personality make the impression.

Homecoming and Vacations

I've been here at work for 3 hours now and I'm still not really 'back' in the swing of things. Since I work in an office, I can at least say I appreciate being in an Air-conditioned building today.

I thought i'd have to get caught up on my emails today, but I ended up working on a number of things I'm not normally responsible for doing. I guess considering all I accomplished, it was a quick day~the kind where you're so busy, you don't notice your shift is about to end.

Fuck Automobiles

After I left work, I had intended to visit my buddy's new place, but karma interjected again. The radiator I just bought (probably refurb'd) sprung a leak while I was on the highway. Have I mentioned how much I hate automobiles? They're just a money pit...a bottomless one.

My patience are really being tested as of late...I wouldn't be surprised if I start developing an ulcer from all this goddamned stress. Fortunately for me, my buddy saw my car smoking and graciously stopped on the highway to take me to his place. Have I mentioned how much my friends fucking rock? He and his woman fed me beer and pasta to ease the pain of losing another proverbial limb to the car gods.

More to come when I don't feel like going fetal under my desk.

Um, about that vacation thing...

It sure hasn't exactly turned out like one. It's more like a bad porno turned nightmare slice-off-your-genitalia-without-anesthetics-holiday...only this one is just the beginning.

Where do I fucking begin? Caution: Swearing and things that could damn me to hell are about to be shared...you have been warned....

Thursday,

the day I leave, my car's radiator blows on the 5 in the middle of fucking nowhere, but for the sake of factual content, it was Los Banos, California. The tow truck driver assured me that the mechanic knew his shit and then directed me to a local hotel for the night. The kids took it in stride despite me freaking-the-fuck-out. I have a wonderful hotel story for you once I get done pouring out my soul for all to see (or hopefully pity).

Did I mention that I spent my whole vacation wad on said tow truck and hotel? I didn't even get a fucking T-shirt, but I digress.

Friday the 16th

So I wake up the next morning in Middle-of-nowhere-ville (around the time the mechanic's shop opens) and manage to walk there without incident. I explain the situation to him and he tells me he'll take a look at it shortly to let me know what guage my rectum will need to be stretched to satiate the bill.

Less than a half hour later, TJ (seriously, his initials are TJ according to the fancy diplomas in his office) calls me to give me the bad news. It was what I expected, so no surprises there. He even gives me some good news about the turn-around time; ETR (Estimated Time of Repair) is by 2pm. "Great!" I exclaim. Now that only leaves me with one tiny problem. Where the fuck am I going to go after the Hotel forces me to check out (at 11am)?

Karma, in her incredibly fickle ways, goes down on the hotel Manager and her assistant to give me the time I need to wait out the repairs. Choking on my humility, I explained my situation to the Hotel Manager and she agreed to allow me to stash my bags in a safe place while my kids and I hung out in the indoor pool (without having to pay for another night in the place). I must've thanked them a dozen times for their generosity while I stayed until around 4:45pm.

Did I also mention that the Mechanic's shop closed at 5pm?

I felt like they had enough opportunities to fix my car since they had gone well over their 'projected' estimate. I know it was an 'estimated' time they gave me initially, but with them closing at 5pm, and me being 150 miles from home, it was imperative that my car could make it another 400 miles. When I arrived (with children in tow), I was informed that the car was 'ready to go'~great news~but he noticed that the car was still overheating and the radiator fan was constantly running~not-so-great. I didn't care, it was time to get the fuck out of dodge, even if I had to push my car up the grapevine.

So we hit the road and by the time I reached the freeway entrance (about 10 miles), my car was overheating, hissing loudly, and spewing forth steam like a locomotive. I was fucking livid and managed to maintain my composure for atleast 20 seconds prior to throwing an adult-sized tantrum in the Shell parking lot. I wish I could tell you what was going through my mind at that time. I was panicked, broke, infuriated, and on the verge of a Chernobyl-like meltdown. My kids, like the troopers they are, hung in there for me and, without saying it out loud, reminded me that I needed to snap out of my nervous breakdown and do something about the situation.

I'll stop for a moment and make it known how much I adore my children for being in my life. I didn't feel like I had a purpose until they came along. They give me strength when I want to lie down and go fetal. They give me hope that humanity has a chance. They have shown me what unconditional love means and I will goto to the ends of the Universe for them. Okay, you get the idea. Moving on....

Somehow, I made it back to that shithole of a town with children and car. I pulled up to the Mechanic's shop and saw that luck was on my side once again. TJ was working on another customer's truck when I pulled up. I waited patiently in his office until he noticed I had returned. In an amazing feat of self control, I quietly (and diplomatically) explained the situation to him and asked if he could take a second look at the car. Upon a closer inspection, he noticed a pretty serious thing missing in my vehicle...the belt normally found on my water pump (which also is attached to my alternator). For those of you that don't know this (I didn't know it until he told me), the water pump is directly responsible for keeping the engine cool. Without it working, my car would continue to overhead and eventually fuck up my engine.

TJ will forever be my hero for demonstrating 'going beyond the call of duty'. Not only did he admit (and apologize profusely) his oversight to me, he called his wife to the garage, asked to her pick up a belt for me, and installed it for me~free of charge and on the fucking spot! My jaw still has not recovered from that one. Here I was, bitching at karma for kicking me in the balls again, and then she goes down on me (and the mechanic) all in one sitting. Call it good fortune, call it karma, I don't fucking care. She (karma)wasn't done just yet...while TJ and I were finishing the paperwork for the belt, he let me in on a little known secret. TJ explained to me that he stuck around 2 hours after his shop closed, fixed my car for FREE, and took shit from his wife (because they had a dinner engagement at 7pm) all because of how I approached him after I brought the car back. He actually thanked me for treating him like a human and not being an asshole about it. I'll never forget him for that...and if I ever get stuck in that shithole again, rest assured, I'm gonna push my vehicle to his respectable establishment every time.

7 hours later, I made it to San Diego without any significant problems or power steering (another story~yay!). The many hours in the car gave me lots of time to reflect on the significant events we experienced in that 24 hours. I have a renewed appreciation of people and their generosity when it really doesn't benefit them. Those people give me hope and when the time comes for me to help someone out, I'll be there for them without question.

So there you have it...my first 48 hours of vacation and I'm already asking my folks for money. I guess it's time to get used to the flavor of Humble Pie. I hear it goes down well with Tobasco Sauce.

Anne, I'm gonna borrow your 'gratefuls' just this once because I feel I don't take inventory nearly as often as I should. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery anyhow.

I'm grateful for:

• My kids and the strength they give me when I lose hope.
• My parents for helping me up when i've hit the ground too hard.
• My friends for never letting me forget that I matter to them.
• Kind and compassionate people who I never knew existed.

I'll write more about my amazingly profound vacation whenever I can find some free time. Thanks for stopping in!

A dish best served cold

It's now my duty to pass along a very amusing story about a stolen phone and the steps the owner's friend takes to make sure justice is served. It's very long, but I promise that you will be cackling along the way. Having a myspace account will probably help for the visual aids, but even if you don't, the story itself is quite entertaining.

Enough babbling, you've got reading to do (if you care to do so I mean).

Mujer Hermosa and Nerd Tools

I'm a sucker for accents, I admit this. There's only a small handful of accents that don't make the hair stand up on my neck, but I'm here to talk about the sexy ones. There's a latina woman in my office (I've had wild sex fantasies about her in the past) and once in a while, I'll chat with her in the break room about our kids.

Today, she said I looked 'intellectual' and 'handsome' with my new glasses~quite a compliment from my lovely foreigner coworker...at least for me it is. Hearing her talk reminded me of why I, not only enjoy watching her walk away from me, but I also enjoy her sexy accent. Maybe I can get her to say my name again before the day will end~*smirk* Have I mentioned how cool it is that you women can't read my mind?

Another accent that makes me purr are those East Coast variants. Yeah...weird, huh? I was shocked to find this out as well. It really doesn't matter if they're from Boston, Rhode Island, New York, or Jersey even...I just think they sound hot. I believe this is a sign I'm getting older because I used to think the accent made them sound like idiots. The men, yeah, it makes em sound like fucking twits...but if I hear a woman with that accent, I'm starting to think about nylon rope, a bed, and a blindfold (bring on the soft porn music).

Southern women have a special place in my heart and a reserved spot on my lap. I wont stereotype these women because they're vastly different depending on their region. There's subtle differences with how they talk and I'm almost at the point where I can identify them. Every one of them is sweet as sugar and I do my best to make them laugh because that's hot too. I'm such a phone whore!

All this talk of accents gave me a conclusion I really should've known or atleast been more aware of: Californian Women don't have accents because this is where I was raised and I'm so used to it now, they lack the same appeal as the ladies in the other states.

Moving on...Have I mentioned I'm starting my vacation today?

And finally, the Nerd tool of the day

Even though I took a collective 4 years of Spanish from High School to Junior College, I still get lost on specific words and how they're used in a sentence. Whenever I am stumped with a word, or don't know the spanish translation, I use Babel Fish, the coolest fucking nerd tool in the book (with maybe the exception of the Urban Dictionary) or maybe just the cliff notes (to Nerdity).

This tool has bridged the gap whenever I make a new friend and I've been told that it's almost 90% accurate~not bad for an online service that happens to still be free. Coincidently, the 'Babel Fish' is a fictional fish that was featured in the best book in the whole known Universe, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'. It was used to translate any spoken language if you shoved it in your ear. I wonder if it speaks Woman.

Squirming in my seat

I am here trying to focus on work...obviously i've failed miserably. With my vacation coming very soon, I can barely remember what it was like to have more than 3 days off in a row. Sounds like a good time to take a vacation.

My last year's vacation was quite monumental (emphasis on the mental). I went to a buddy's old stomping ground with his girlfriend and another friend from work. This place happened to be in the northern mountains of Washington. While I was there, I experienced something close to nature overload and loved every freaking minute of it. This was the first time since my junior college days where I spent every day of my vacation with drink in hand...usually right after my morning joint. We're talking a very decadent vacation that I'm sure will be very difficult to top. Guess I'll have to shoot for next year to enjoy the same gluttony.

The kidlings will be coming with me for this vacation. It will be a nice chance for them to visit with their other Grandparents as well as offer me the chance to take them to a beach. There has been talk of going fishing, but I'll have to see how much gear survived my parent's most recent garage sale. I really don't mind having them drive down with me because they're just enjoyable people to be around...I like that about them. The boy is maturing to quite the prankster and the little girl has a wit that could cut schools in half.

Sand in my sneakers

It's been way too long since I've enjoyed the salty air of the ocean. This vacation, I intend to take the kids to some coastal locations, perhaps Sea World if I can fanagle some passes out of Great Grandma. A picnic on the beach ala sodas and tuna sandwiches sounds like a nice afternoon (as long as we don't forget the sunblock). I've spent far too long away from the ocean for my liking...it's time I made an appearance so it doesn't forget me.

But I digress...

Well, tomorrow will be a pretty long journey, but it sure will be worth it once I make it down there. Driving through the central valley will probably be the worst leg of the trip since that place is flat, featureless, and full of fanatics. Wish me a safe trip!

Genetic Mutation Proposal

Biochemists, Microbiologists, Geneticists, lend me your ears and opposable thumbs for just a moment please. For reasons of improving the Human race, I propose that you all get together and work on mutating our genetic code to include the following upgrades:

• The male gender requires the implementation of 'on-demand' ESP to avoid further interpersonal disturbances.
• As the Baby Boomers approach the golden years, the necessity for replacement limbs and organs (among other things) becomes imperative. My momma needs a new body, please help her fix it and move onto enjoying being a grandparent again. This is your highest priority.
• Attempt to locate and remove the flawed intelligence gene.
• Install a functional libido killswitch in the Male gender since the Females already have one.
• Create an adapter allowing people to plug a cell phone into their head so they don't slow down to 20 under the speed limit for proper 'chit-chat' velocity.
• Increase the level of desire to breed in Females under the age of 30.
• Offer the option to women to have their menstrual cycle disabled indefinitely.

Anyone else have any requests while I've got the nice futuristic scientists at my disposal?

The Freak In Me...

Would like to thank you ladies for being so incredibly delicious. I'll be showing my appreciation sometime in the future in the form of adoring you via email/phone. That is all I have to say about that right now.

Completely off the subject

• I finally found my Digital Camera as well as the battery charging unit. This means you will eventually see the things I see whenever I decide to share it. Considering the wad of cash I spent on this thing, I sure haven't gotten much use out of it.
• Friday, I start my short vacation. My kids are excited about seeing my parents (and their swimming pool) as am I, and I bet my ex-wife will be able to find a job without them being in her hair (the kids I mean)
• Given that Thursday is the official start of my weekend, I'm finding it very difficult to focus on anything but vacation and sex.
• Sex is highly underrated and I don't get enough of it.
• Vacations and Sex are great on their own, but Sex on Vacations would be so much better.
• I'm finally caught up on my blogs~it was really buggin me that I would finish them after-the-fact.
• It occurred to me recently that I'm still adjusting to living with other people. Last week, I felt the need to 'avoid going home' because I just didn't want to be around them. I guess that's as good of an excuse as any to get out of the house...I'm gonna count this as a 'mixed blessing'.
• Ben Harper fucking rocks. Download some of his music and tell me otherwise...I dare ya!
• I need a hobby besides online gaming...one that involves me leaving the house a few times a week.
• Returning to college is something I have been putting some thought into lately. You could say I'm experiencing my mid-life crisis a few years early since I don't really have anything I can call a 'career'. Besides, college chicks need older men to help them unlock their freakish sides!

I'm sure as the day progresses, I'll start accumulating more things to add to my list. Have a monday!

'Why not?'

A friend and I were discussing the Casual Encounters sexion of Craig's list today. I was looking at some of the posts for 'W4M' (aka 'Women looking 4 Men') and contemplated responding to one or two that didn't look like scams. For reasons I will explain later, said friend asked me why I don't ever reply to those posts. Good question.

For those of you that don't know what Craig's list is, it's a free local forum where you can find just about anything you're looking for...even casual sex. I'm dead positive that it works very well for women (and gay men) looking to get laid, but I can't say the same for the straight guys. You can also look for romance if you look in the right spots, but as I mentioned before, CL has a large populace of straight males all competing for anything remotely resembling sex with a straight girl/woman.

So she asked me why I never respond to those ads of women looking for sex and I found the reasons just spewing out of me. I wish I could say they were 'good, legitimate excuses', but unfortunately, they were just 'fucking weak' at best. I came up with a list (haha, I came):

• I never got a response from the ones I've replied to in the past (I think i've replied to like 3 or 4 of them if memory serves).
• I didn't want to be labeled as 'Desperate' regardless if I am or not.
• I might actually get a legitimate response (and i'll explain this more later).
• They rarely include pics of the women looking for sex, so it's really difficult to want to fuck someone who may not appeal to me.
• I don't have a place to call my own anymore, so hosting is not an option.
• To get laid like that requires me to include enough information about me without inundating them with details and therefore sounding 'desperate'.
• I might meet some psycho stalker chick (which really doesn't sound all bad until Lauren put the whole 'Fatal Attraction' scenario into the picture~thanks for killing my nympho stalker fantasy! =P)
• The numbers are stacked horribly against me and I dislike that kind of subtle rejection of them not replying to my email.

There were a number of reasons that forced me to really examine what I was looking for when responding to these posts. I'm flawed because I require chemistry to be attracted to someone. Whether it be physical or mental, chemistry must be there otherwise, I feel guilty for not wanting to fuck them again. I dislike rejecting people for their outside appearance, this is something innately shallow about myself that I just can't do anything to change.

Right after I became separated from my exwife, I slept with a woman I met on the internet. She contacted me first, and I only had a remote idea what she looked like. Still, we had a common interest: smokin the ganja. We ended up hanging out a few times before she offered to stay the night at my apartment. It was the first time I had ever had sex with someone I wasn't attracted to and as much of a relief it was to get off, I felt like I gave in to 'mercy sex'.

Mercy Sex

This is a really harsh term to swallow (haha, I said swallow) because there were times when I felt like my ex was just giving me some to shut me the fuck up about it. It's very difficult to enjoy sex if my partner isn't having a good time and it's just worse when she's doing it because she feels like it's her 'job'. I realize I still have some hangups (from the ex-wife) about mercy sex and I'm still working on beating them fuck out of my persona. As a result of this hangup, I find myself looking for the 'freaks' because I know there will rarely ever be an instance where they wouldn't want sex...namely sex from me.

"Just get it over with"

She said that to me (pre-coital) when she was pregnant with my first born and I don't know why I continued to stay with her. Okay, that's not true, I know why I stayed...she was the mother of my child and I felt I was doing the right thing by staying with her. Still, since her sex drive was comparatively non-existent (to mine) after I got her pregnant, I had to pretty much bury my libido for a later date (when I naively thought things would change).

Now that my libido is no longer on hiatus, I find myself wondering how I could've survived so long without feeling much affection in return. I guess this explains why I can be so needy when it comes to feeling like my partner is attracted to me. Everyone needs reassurances, even when their presence should be enough to confirm it...atleast I hope they do. It would suck to be the only guy that needs to hear 'I want you' from a woman.

This subject has begun to take a downward spiral, so I'll just move on. Happy weekend everyone!

Disclaimer required

It's not often I find a website that makes me suddenly cover up my monitor, but hey, the Internet is a big place, and so is Alaska. This website is a mish-mash of internet phenomenon among other things that make the meek blush.

I particularly liked the notes about Livejournal. I realize since I maintain one, I fully fit into this category, but hey, at least I admit I have one.

Enjoy!

Coitus interruptus

Lately, I've been having sexual dreams that are being interrupted by the sound of my alarm. This really isn't the first time my subconscious has been cock-blocked by reality, but goddamit, it's the 3rd day in a row! First night was my ex-wife, a Brunette. Tuesday, a spiral curl blonde. Then this morning, a cute dark-haired vixen.

Just as the dreams start to get good (and by 'good', I mean strong mental foreplay, necking, heavy petting goodness), my friggen alarm quickly decimates the moment. Normally, I can rely on my uncanny sense of timing to ruin a hot sexual moment, but seriously, this has to stop!

Years ago, I stopped trying to interpret my dreams. They're usually so random and bizarre, it really didn't make much sense to analyze them beyond the blatant sexual content. While I was a full-time stoner, I stopped remembering my dreams all-together, which I honestly didn't miss because I ended up daydreaming more often anyway. Being perpetually stoned, it's easier to drift away like that.

Damn the Dam

It seems that the more I attempt to block out thoughts about sex, the more difficult it becomes to fuckus on anything else. Previous entries have proven that I end up fucking about sex, so why sex it? Labia me a perv, it wouldn't be too inaccurate or swollen with blood. I have tried distracting myself with things not related to sex, which only fucks for a short while. Throwing myself head-long into work doesn't seem to fornicate any difference either. Perhaps I should seek professional help and visit the massage parlorshrink to see if there's some medicinal sex I could have to curb my affucktion. Does anyone else think it's warm in here? I think I need to visit the restroom for a few minutes....hold my calls please!

The return of Jesse's girl

Last week, I figured out who my buddy will be living near, as in sharing a back yard, and I can't tell you just how shocked I was to discover that it's Jesse and his omg-hot-brainy girlfriend. How did I find this out? Well, we went over to their new place to drop off some boxes and~HOLY SHIT! It's him...AND HER. Funny how it never got out to my friend that I was flirting with her (jessie's girl) like there was no tomorrow the last time I met up with them.

As burnt as I was at the time, I can't really describe to you why I felt like I was being transparent, perhaps the paranoia came back for a visit? It could be that I felt awkward because I know it's wrong to flirt with women who aren't remotely available...and besides, Jesse is a pretty fucking cool person. It's infinitely worse when you get along with their counterpart because you're just stuck in emotional neutral.

But hey, at least I know to be prepared to suppress whatever inappropriate thoughts/desires before spending any time over there. True to the Boyscout in me, I'm taking this in stride and trying to make the best of it. I'll probably look back on this post and wonder why the fuck I was stressing about it to begin with...blogs are good for that.

Human Nature, or Animal Nature?

Yesterday was a really peculiar day for me. Rather than retreat to my gaming world, I tagged along with my buddy while he did some errands around the region. We drank Daquiris, smoked some funny smelling plants, and drove through some of the lesser traveled roads the Bay has to offer. Needless to say, I was awestruck with the beauty of the areas we visited.

Who knew that there's a hidden lake near where I live? It's known as 'Lake Chabot' and I nearly fell over with how freaking gorgeous it was from the vehicle. I plan on taking the kids there when I can and since they've been asking me to take them fishing, I suppose it's time I relearned how to clean and gut a fish. *laughs* This also means I have to invest in some fishing gear...maybe Mom and Dad might have some to let me inherit when I go down there for a visit.

Speaking of nature...seeing Lake Chabot has really sparked a strong feeling of wanderlust in me. My buddy asked me what that word meant and my best definition was 'that feeling you get when you look at some mountains and say, "I wonder what's on the other side of that hill". I'm sure Wikipedia has a better definition, but I think he understood what I meant.

Urges of Nature

I'm sure all of you are familiar with hormones and how they effect us on a daily basis. Something occurred to me during our jaunt through nature. I think about sex constantly because my physiological goal is to reproduce or 'continue the species' for lack of a less dirty way to put it. The root of this reproductive goal is to survive~pretty simple, and yet this creates a world of complications. I guess I don't feel so bad about being inundated with thoughts of fornication.

That's all I can think of right now...have a great weekend!

Just a quick post...

...About how sometimes I have my moments where I am weak to my own hormones. I'm sure everyone gets this, and in past times, I wish I had means of shutting it off (besides thinking about my parents getting it on or my deceased Grandmother in her flowery undies~*vomit*). Today was no different when I visited my ex-wife.

I have new glasses as I've mentioned before, and when she saw me, she told me how handsome I looked in them. It might've been what she was wearing, or the position she was in when I saw her, but~Damn she was looking good. *shakes his head quickly* WTF is wrong with me? Could it have been that she complimented me?

Whatever it was, it at least made me feel attractive. The glasses are a hit with others as well at work, but it seemed to make a difference when the ex-wife told me. Could it be that women are also attracted to the nerdy look? Women with glasses tend to lower my intelligence a bit, so maybe this theory is true.

In spite of the fact that I have pretty much sworn off the idea to ever indulge in the pleasures of the flesh with my ex-wife, I have had some really sweaty, kinky dreams (with her involved) lately. The fact that it's so wrong probably appeals to me and is making me think about it. Whatever the case may be, I think I'm gonna have to lean on my Internet Mistresses to rid me of this totally hot~wrong mental image of my ex.